Waiting for my Christmas

Today was my last day of work for the next 12 weeks. I have been so excited about this day, about finally being able to put my feet up and wait for baby girl to get here. And instead of the elation I expected, I have this sinking feeling.

This holy moly this is really happening what the heck am I going to do I don't know what I'm doing feeling.

Maybe I'm just really tired right now. Either way, my heart is fluttering, and I wish it would stop.

I keep having this feeling of inadequacy, that says, "You really should have just kept working right up until you had the baby. You could have kept going, and if you don't go into labor before the 31st, you'll have missed out on 2 weeks with your baby."

Okay, 2 weeks. Big deal. But Sam had 50minutes. 2 weeks is an eternity to me with my baby.

And what about when I go back? Who will I leave my baby with? How could I possibly ever leave her?

I'm so excited to be home and to finally meet our daughter. But actually being home breaks the balance I've had for so long....being pregnant and continuing to work. Being home changes everything, and is forcing me to think about a lot I'd rather not.

I feel like a big kid waiting for the days to pass til Christmas day and at the same time terrified for summer vacation to end. It's a weird place, an emotional place. So please be gentle right now :)

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Kaila Mugford

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