Waiting for my Christmas

Today was my last day of work for the next 12 weeks. I have been so excited about this day, about finally being able to put my feet up and wait for baby girl to get here. And instead of the elation I expected, I have this sinking feeling.

This holy moly this is really happening what the heck am I going to do I don't know what I'm doing feeling.

Maybe I'm just really tired right now. Either way, my heart is fluttering, and I wish it would stop.

I keep having this feeling of inadequacy, that says, "You really should have just kept working right up until you had the baby. You could have kept going, and if you don't go into labor before the 31st, you'll have missed out on 2 weeks with your baby."

Okay, 2 weeks. Big deal. But Sam had 50minutes. 2 weeks is an eternity to me with my baby.

And what about when I go back? Who will I leave my baby with? How could I possibly ever leave her?

I'm so excited to be home and to finally meet our daughter. But actually being home breaks the balance I've had for so long....being pregnant and continuing to work. Being home changes everything, and is forcing me to think about a lot I'd rather not.

I feel like a big kid waiting for the days to pass til Christmas day and at the same time terrified for summer vacation to end. It's a weird place, an emotional place. So please be gentle right now :)

Comments

The Hardest Part

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We Look Like Four

6 years ago I celebrated Mother's Day with no baby in my arms. Sam had died 2 weeks before. The year after that, I was pregnant with Mira and still had no baby to hold. The year after, Mira gave me the gift of the stomach flu. ;) The last few years have been fairly "normal" with the exception that one of my children was not there. And this year, I will celebrate with half of my children. There is nothing easy about this. One thing I grieve is I will never have all of my children in one picture. I asked the photographer to take one with Mira and Edward when they came to visit us at the hospital. I'd said, I don't care if it's crazy or no one is looking. I just want one with us as a family of 5. That's what we have. One picture of the 5 of us. One. We're a family of six, but out and about we look like four. We don't look like our hands are full with just the two. We don't know what it's like to juggle a baby carrier while chasing do

A New Way to Celebrate

"But He could have saved my boys. He could have . I'm so angry He didn't. I'm going to have to work through that with God, and I'm going to need time to do it. This isn't a quick fix, and there is no band-aid big enough to patch this damage. This cut is so deep it's going to take some major reconstructive surgery." I wrote that nearly two years ago. Two years. I wasn't wrong. There has been no quick fix. There was no band-aid. I'm still working through this with God. I still need time. I'll likely be working on this grief until it's my turn to leave this world. What I can say is the waves have settled a bit; the intensity of the grief not quite so severe. I don't talk about them as much anymore. I no longer desire to go back to the hospital and cradle their cold bodies. We're done having children....even that thought isn't as painful as it was just a year ago. Sam's birthday is April 30th. Gabriel

Kaila Mugford

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