Full Term. Finally :)

How Far Along: 37 weeks--FULL TERM!

Size of baby: 7lbs maybe?

Sleep: Near impossible to get comfortable, but I'm trying to get as much rest as possible right now.

Total Weight Gain: 28lbs

Symptoms: I have a lot of pain when I walk and I'm pretty much tired all the time. Almost done though!

Movement: This girl has been getting the hiccups more and more, and that's what I feel most often. But every so often she has a spurt of energy where she pushes out in the most uncomfortable spots and it's all I can do to keep from pushing back on her ;-)

Maternity Clothes: Getting a little big even for some of my maternity shirts.

Go-to eats: Fruit and cereal mmm mmmm!

Best moment of the week: Baby girl dropped last night! I woke up this morning and my tummy was super low! Hopefully she's making preparations to meet us!

Gender: We're having a little girl!

What I wish people knew: I still think a lot about what could or might go wrong. I told a friend this week that sometimes it has crossed my mind that the doctors know something is wrong but don't have the heart to tell us we're going to lose another. I know that's irrational, but it's something that I do think about every once in awhile.

What I’m looking forward to: Tomorrow is my last day of work before we meet our daughter. I. CAN. NOT. WAIT. TO. HOLD. HER. :-D

Comments

Unfixable

I have to share some things that are going to make some people uncomfortable. I'm okay with that, but I know it's not going to be easy to read because you might want to try to fix me. You can't. You can't "fix" these feelings. You can't pray them away. You can't tell me to "just trust God" and go on with your day. Well, I guess you can. But I can't. I am not in a good place. I am not okay. I don't even want to be okay at this point. I tell Jamey almost every night that I want to go back to the hospital. I want to lay in that bed. I want to kiss and cuddle my son. I want to stroke his cheeks. I don't care if they're cold. I don't care if he'll never open his eyes again. I just want to go back there and rock him in my arms. I took pictures of the bruises on my arms and hands from being in the hospital. There are so few memories of my son, that I didn't even want to forget that part. My blood pressure w...

Memories

I have videos of the entirety of Sam's life...so even if I forget them, I'll be able to see everything from those moments. The moments after he was born, however, are only images in my head. After Sam died and everyone had the chance to hold him, it was time to get some rest. Jamey's family went home, my sisters slept on the chair and couch in my room, and my parents went out to the car to sleep. The hotel attached to the hospital told my family they'd be charged full price for a room if they checked in at 5am but would need to check out at noon, so they opted not to get one. Jamey crawled into bed with me, Sam snuggled between us. He had been in heaven for over an hour, but to us it just seemed natural. We wanted to share one nap with our boy, before he was physically taken from us. It wasn't a peaceful sleep, of course. Hospital beds aren't made for 2 grown people. But we made it work. Phone calls were made, and we were told that the director of the Cr...

Rain Clouds

I really don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life, but I'm afraid I might. I'll be perfectly fine for days, maybe even weeks, and then it just seems to hit me out of nowhere. Something huge is missing from my life. I feel homesick even though I'm home. Jamey and I packed a bag tonight for when we go up to the hospital. We read through the lists of suggestions from other moms, mostly of what to bring for baby. Only because we don't know what we'll need for her. We bought two outfits for Sam, bathed him once, and he only wore one diaper. I know the hospital has most of the stuff we'll need, but I like to bring a little extra. As much fun as it is to pack a coming home outfit, it's equally sad for us. I asked Jamey if any of this made him sad and he said, "yes, it does." I don't want the happy moments in my life to be overshadowed by this sadness that we have for Sam. Although I don't ever want to forget him in any way, ...

Kaila Mugford

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