A New Way to Celebrate

"But He could have saved my boys. He could have. I'm so angry He didn't. I'm going to have to work through that with God, and I'm going to need time to do it. This isn't a quick fix, and there is no band-aid big enough to patch this damage. This cut is so deep it's going to take some major reconstructive surgery."

I wrote that nearly two years ago. Two years.

I wasn't wrong. There has been no quick fix. There was no band-aid.

I'm still working through this with God.

I still need time.

I'll likely be working on this grief until it's my turn to leave this world.

What I can say is the waves have settled a bit; the intensity of the grief not quite so severe.

I don't talk about them as much anymore. I no longer desire to go back to the hospital and cradle their cold bodies. We're done having children....even that thought isn't as painful as it was just a year ago.

Sam's birthday is April 30th. Gabriel's is the 15th.

I almost always take the entire month to remember them in some way, pulling out their little memory boxes, folding their tiny hats, going through pictures and video of them. I haven't had the time this month with both kids home and everyone getting the hang of e-learning.

I'm grieving not having the time to grieve this year. I've had a few moments where I'm talking to Jamey and my breath catches. My eyes tear up and I just whisper, Jamey, I miss them. 

I get but a moment before someone is screaming or crying or fighting or hungry (again).

And it's not that I'm complaining, because I am so grateful for these two in front of me. These two beautiful little people who keep me laughing (and yelling) and learning (and wishing we didn't have to do so much learning), and snacking (and snacking more). I love waking up to these two little bed-head creatures who keep me on my toes.

I just don't have the time right now to lean into my grief.

With that said, I do have a request for you, my loved ones.

I began running just 4 months after Gabriel's death. I ran my very first Half Marathon on the one year anniversary of his funeral.

Running has become part of my healing process.

I always said I would never be a runner. (I also said I would never homeschool and look at where we are now 😉)

This "never will I be a runner" signed up for the Chicago Marathon in October.

That's right, M-A-R-A-T-H-O-N.

I've signed up to fundraise with Team World Vision to help provide life-changing clean water to children and communities in the developing world.

Did you know that nearly 1,000 children under age 5 die every day from diarrhea caused by contaminated water, poor sanitation, and improper hygiene?

One. Thousand. Children. A. Day.

I know the horror of holding two dying children knowing there was nothing I could do.

THIS. This is something I can do. 

Would you help me celebrate my boys' birthdays this year by donating? Nothing would make my heart happier than knowing that Sam and Gabriel are being celebrated by helping save the lives of little ones around the world.

And if you're unable to celebrate with us in this way, please send me a message to let me know you're thinking about them. It would mean more than you know. ❤❤


Link to my fundraiser:
https://www.teamworldvision.org/participant/330396