Kaila Mugford

joy. I scrolled right on past the post the first time I saw it. Several friends shared the video made by For King and Country this last week.  I love their music but I'm not feeling too much of that right now. I don't know how many times I scrolled past, but when I finally hit play, the song did not disappoint. Last Tuesday I confided in my therapist that I am not finding joy in much of anything. I'm going through the motions, forcing myself to get up and just 'do' whether I feel it or not. I told her that so much of my energy goes into just getting out of bed that I am tired much of the day and fall asleep right away when my head hits the pillow at night. Grief is exhausting. And quite frankly, I'm tired of it. Tired of being tired. Tired of not feeling the feelings I used to feel. I started to get very discouraged last week, especially on Gabriel's due date. We are having some troubles with insurance covering some of the testing we had done and I'

I design and buy a Shutterfly calendar every year with pictures of the kids. This year as soon as our calendar arrived, I wrote this.  I've been staring at these words since the page flipped from May to June. Talking with friends last night, I'd said, I just wish I could go back to "before." I wish I could go back and be HER again. The woman who felt joy. Who didn't see it coming. I'm tired of being broken over and over.  Everything is a reminder. The beginning of my 2018 journal hurts... Jan 1, 2018 Milestones in 2017:  Mira turned 4 Edward turned 2 I turned 30 Expecting baby #4! Student loan debt FREE Milestones to come: Mira turning 5 Edward tuning 3 New baby in June Debt FREE Jan 5, 2018 In just 12 days we will find out the health status of our newest baby Mugford. Time seems to have flown by for me already.  I started a journal for Gabriel that same day. Daddy and I are so excited to have you join

"Tell me, what is the biggest difference between your grief journey with Sam and now with Gabriel?" My therapist asked me this question last week. I sat in silence. I think it's having Mira and Edward now...is it? Maybe it's not. "It's my relationship with God." When we had Sam, I couldn't wait to get out and share our story with the world. About how God had given us so much peace. How he had been there with us in the storm. How we didn't know how people could survive this much pain without him. And now... Now. I don't know. I really don't know. I wish I could say I still felt that way. I wish I could say I feel his presence strongly with me. I wish I could say I know that he is good and his plan is perfect, and that I know without a doubt he will redeem this great loss for the second time. I envy 6 year ago me who was so sure of those things. God gave his one and only son for me. That brought me so much comfort. L

For previous posts, click  here  and  here . Beep....beep....beep..... I can hear all the machines chiming away as doctors begin my c-section. This isn't my first section so I know it will only be a matter of minutes before Gabriel will be out. I stare at the little baby warmer as I hear the doctors talking. I can't help but think that just the day before I had said, I'm just really tired. I want this to be over.  No I didn't. I didn't want this. I wanted this to be a beginning...not over. I wanted to bring him home...not have an emergency c-section that would save my life. This is not what I meant. "Baby's out," I hear one of the doctors. My biggest prayer when I was pregnant with Sam was just that we would hear him cry. God, just let me hear his little baby cry. That's not too much to ask, is it?  Doctors had told me multiple times it would be unlikely given how immature his lungs would be. But the minute Sam was in the baby warmer an