Kaila Mugford

One year ago I turned 30. Such a big year. So much behind us. So much ahead of us. We found out on October 13th 2017 that we were pregnant with our 4th baby. I created a sweet little announcement. My heart pounded with excitement as I posted that picture and typed out our news. I called Gabriel "my favorite birthday gift." And it was true. I felt like we were in the clear. That grief wouldn't touch us again in such a deep way. At least not so soon. It all looked so perfect. I didn't know that little yellow pumpkin would be in our home one year later. And he would be missing. This day last year, I had dreams of what our family raising 3 kids would look like. This day this year my 5 year old turned in an assignment for Dia de los Muertos where she wrote about her two brothers in Heaven. My 30th year didn't turn out anything like I thought it would. Today? It has been such a good birthday. I am so very loved. But my boys. They'

I feel like I can't even write right now, but my fingers hover over the keyboard and I just need  something  to come out of them. I feel like I'm carrying a lead weight today. No, nothing's happened lately. Nothing bad, nothing sad. I actually have lots of good, exciting, new things going on in my life. Some I've shared, some I haven't. But I feel like I've been in a knock-down drag-out fight today.  Most days I can push through these feelings. Gosh, I just don't know how you do it,  I hear so often. And the truth is, I don't want to do it . I don't want to get out of bed. I want to stay under the blankets. Warm. Cozy.  And forget. I want to forget all the awful things of this world. I want to forget the loss, the pain, the struggles. I want to wrap my arms around Jamey, Mira, and Edward, and just hold them forever.  Sometimes this pain is just too heavy. And I think, God, I'm only 30. I can't take much more of thi