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I Can't Remember

My Facebook feed lately has been filled with parents desperate for one good night's sleep, begging for the sicknesses to stop, and the kids to sit down for just. one. minute.

You may laugh, but this scares me a bit.

I know there are many fun times to be had with little ones, but the majority of posts that are deemed Facebook-worthy are negative. And no, my friends don't have naughty kids, and no, my friends are not negative people (or at least most of them aren't). I'm sure the posts are more meant for "Is anybody out there I'm going crazy over here please tell me I'm not," as opposed to "My life is awful, feel sorry for me." But still, it scares me.

I don't even know if I should say this, or if this is truly how I feel. But I feel like Sam died forever ago...I don't remember how he smelled, nor how it felt to hold him. Nothing. It's like I have all these pictures up of a baby I know is mine, I know I love, but I truly have forgotten the strength of that love. I know how strongly I felt right after he died in being adamant that everyone I came in contact with knew I had a child, and that he would never be forgotten....and that feeling has faded.

I know it's normal to grieve and life continues. But it's a new kind of hurt when you barely remember your own child. And when you're pregnant with a new one that's kicking away and you KNOW you love her, but you think, "Will I feel the same kind of love I did just one year ago?" Is this really going to be worth all of the struggles? Should I even be a parent?

I'm not asking for sympathy votes here or reassurance that I'll be a good parent. I'm pretty sure I will be. But it doesn't stop the questions from forcing themselves into my head. And when I see these status updates from other parents I think, "Wow, you guys are superheros to your kids. How do you do it every single day? Will I be able to?"

I couldn't tell you the last time I cried looking at Sam's pictures. I have memories of the emotions I felt then, rather than feeling them now. I don't know if it's just part of the grieving process or what. And I don't think I'm a bad person for it....it's just how I feel at this moment. Forgetting what it's like to miss your baby, I'm sure is pretty much unfathomable for most parents. But when that baby never made it home, never laughed in your kitchen, cried for a diaper change, or opened his eyes to look at you....you can forget. And the guilt that comes with that can be difficult.

I really can't believe it's been (only) 10 months.



Comments

  1. AnonymousFebruary 23, 2013 at 10:04 PM

    YOU ARE GRIEF DOES CHANGE A PERSON. YOU ARE BRAVE INTELLIGENT YOUNG LADY KAILA, WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU.LOVE YOU ALL,LOVE AUNT BARBARA AND UNCLE TERRY.

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