It's been building.
The stress, the self-pity, the feeling of hopelessness. I don't even really know exactly where it's come from, other than it's here, and I feel like I've been drowning in it. Drowning.
One little thing today that would normally have irritated me for a minute and I would have let it go and moved on just set me off in a spiral that I couldn't control. I let it consume me all day, making me angrier the longer the hours ticked until I was able to just come home and let it out.
I lay in my bed, thinking about the tears I knew needed to come, but just weren't. Jamey came into our darkened bedroom for a few minutes and when he didn't ask what was wrong, I just shooed him out. I lay for a few minutes longer just figuring I would fall asleep.
And then my phone rang. My mother's ringtone.
I'd tried to call her right after work but there was no answer, and I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to answer this call. But I did.
"Hey Mom, how's it going?" And I swear I sounded as upbeat as possible.
"Hey kiddo, what's wrong?" How does she just know??
And the floodgates opened. Tiredness, anxiety, fears for the future, worries of the present....they all come pouring out. It had been building. And she knew.
Like I said, I don't understand why this has really been building. I lead a very blessed life, and am thankful for it all. But some things are not going the way I would like, and it stresses me out. I know I have no right to a happier or more peaceful life than any other person does. But sometimes I just ask, "Hasn't this been enough for one person?"
But this is exactly why God gave me the family I have. He knew I would need their support and reminders of just how big He is, and that everything I am going through and feeling right now will work out for the good of His kingdom. I knew I had been falling these last few weeks because to be honest, I didn't even want to pray. Didn't want to read my Bible. Didn't want to hear words of encouragement. I wanted to feel sorry for myself.
But having done it now for a short period of time...I don't like the feeling. It's a hopeless feeling, one that really does drown you. And I want to be lifted out of those waters. I want to lay in the sun and feel the happiness I know I am capable of feeling. But it's a choice, and I just let myself fall on the other side for a bit.
So here's choosing to be happy. For tonight I'll take refuge in the pillow that feels all that much softer when my eyes are swollen. And tomorrow is a new morning, a fresh start, a choice to be happy...thankful.
The stress, the self-pity, the feeling of hopelessness. I don't even really know exactly where it's come from, other than it's here, and I feel like I've been drowning in it. Drowning.
One little thing today that would normally have irritated me for a minute and I would have let it go and moved on just set me off in a spiral that I couldn't control. I let it consume me all day, making me angrier the longer the hours ticked until I was able to just come home and let it out.
I lay in my bed, thinking about the tears I knew needed to come, but just weren't. Jamey came into our darkened bedroom for a few minutes and when he didn't ask what was wrong, I just shooed him out. I lay for a few minutes longer just figuring I would fall asleep.
And then my phone rang. My mother's ringtone.
I'd tried to call her right after work but there was no answer, and I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to answer this call. But I did.
"Hey Mom, how's it going?" And I swear I sounded as upbeat as possible.
"Hey kiddo, what's wrong?" How does she just know??
And the floodgates opened. Tiredness, anxiety, fears for the future, worries of the present....they all come pouring out. It had been building. And she knew.
Like I said, I don't understand why this has really been building. I lead a very blessed life, and am thankful for it all. But some things are not going the way I would like, and it stresses me out. I know I have no right to a happier or more peaceful life than any other person does. But sometimes I just ask, "Hasn't this been enough for one person?"
But this is exactly why God gave me the family I have. He knew I would need their support and reminders of just how big He is, and that everything I am going through and feeling right now will work out for the good of His kingdom. I knew I had been falling these last few weeks because to be honest, I didn't even want to pray. Didn't want to read my Bible. Didn't want to hear words of encouragement. I wanted to feel sorry for myself.
But having done it now for a short period of time...I don't like the feeling. It's a hopeless feeling, one that really does drown you. And I want to be lifted out of those waters. I want to lay in the sun and feel the happiness I know I am capable of feeling. But it's a choice, and I just let myself fall on the other side for a bit.
So here's choosing to be happy. For tonight I'll take refuge in the pillow that feels all that much softer when my eyes are swollen. And tomorrow is a new morning, a fresh start, a choice to be happy...thankful.
Romans 8:31 "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?". It's when we try to do things our own way, it just doesn't work! Remember, you are the righteousness of GOD! Also, draw nearer to him and he will show you which path to take. AMEN!
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