Although at times it makes me sad, I am really enjoying going back through the journal of letters that I wrote to Sam this time last year. It is bringing back some really wonderful memories of the 4 months we had with him before he came into this world only to leave it and us 50 minutes later. I hope you don't mind that I'm sharing these journal entries, but if in some way they could help someone else see the hope in this world, I consider it completely worth it.
Maybe one day I will write a book including every letter (along with some that Jamey wrote), about our journey with Sam. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him.
1-29-12
Baby Sam,
Grandma & Grandpa Davis just left. You were so active for them, I finally realized at the doctors on Friday that the twitches I feel are you kicking! So nice to have a constant reminder that you're right here with me, such a strong baby. Even Daddy can feel you move a lot. We have found you really like sherbert ice cream--I get kicked a lot after I've had it for dessert.
We went to the doctor Friday so a cardiologist could look at your heart. I'm just happy to see it beating. It's amazing how much can be wrong with one little heart but it's still strong enough to keep on going. We got a better idea of what is wrong, and although it wasn't really surprising, it was still very hard to hear. How can your organs be functioning enough to keep you alive now, but they won't later?
Baby, you have been dealing with these problems a lot longer than I've known about them. I hope I can stay as strong as you for as long as I need to.
Love,
Mommy
That was a hard day. One that feels like ages and ages ago, and one that I really do remember as if it were yesterday. My parents came up for a visit, not knowing how much longer before I might go into labor. They wanted to spend what time they had left with their grandson as well.
The cardiologist drew a picture of Sam's heart and put it next to a diagram of a normal functioning heart. She drew for awhile and then wrote a list of the issues he faced. I felt like she was never going to finish that list....there were about 7 things on it. His heart was on his right side (along with his stomach), it was facing in the wrong direction, pumping in the wrong direction, there was a huge hole between his ventricles, one ventricle was too small, and so was the diameter of one of his major arteries. Too much for such a tiny baby. I remember sitting at that table, knowing that things weren't good, that he wouldn't likely survive...with every bullet point it was like getting punched in the stomach.
I am so glad that I was able to pull through and see the happiness of the day. I remember the funny technician as he took the images of Sam's heart. And every time I felt a muscle twitch I would say "what the heck is that?" And finally he said, "Honey, that's the baby kicking!"
Such a sad happy day. I thank God for the peace of mind to journal about this time in our lives. Not only do I have these memories in my head, but they are recorded on paper for any time that I need them.
I am one blessed woman.
Maybe one day I will write a book including every letter (along with some that Jamey wrote), about our journey with Sam. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him.
1-29-12
Baby Sam,
Grandma & Grandpa Davis just left. You were so active for them, I finally realized at the doctors on Friday that the twitches I feel are you kicking! So nice to have a constant reminder that you're right here with me, such a strong baby. Even Daddy can feel you move a lot. We have found you really like sherbert ice cream--I get kicked a lot after I've had it for dessert.
We went to the doctor Friday so a cardiologist could look at your heart. I'm just happy to see it beating. It's amazing how much can be wrong with one little heart but it's still strong enough to keep on going. We got a better idea of what is wrong, and although it wasn't really surprising, it was still very hard to hear. How can your organs be functioning enough to keep you alive now, but they won't later?
Baby, you have been dealing with these problems a lot longer than I've known about them. I hope I can stay as strong as you for as long as I need to.
Love,
Mommy
That was a hard day. One that feels like ages and ages ago, and one that I really do remember as if it were yesterday. My parents came up for a visit, not knowing how much longer before I might go into labor. They wanted to spend what time they had left with their grandson as well.
The cardiologist drew a picture of Sam's heart and put it next to a diagram of a normal functioning heart. She drew for awhile and then wrote a list of the issues he faced. I felt like she was never going to finish that list....there were about 7 things on it. His heart was on his right side (along with his stomach), it was facing in the wrong direction, pumping in the wrong direction, there was a huge hole between his ventricles, one ventricle was too small, and so was the diameter of one of his major arteries. Too much for such a tiny baby. I remember sitting at that table, knowing that things weren't good, that he wouldn't likely survive...with every bullet point it was like getting punched in the stomach.
I am so glad that I was able to pull through and see the happiness of the day. I remember the funny technician as he took the images of Sam's heart. And every time I felt a muscle twitch I would say "what the heck is that?" And finally he said, "Honey, that's the baby kicking!"
Such a sad happy day. I thank God for the peace of mind to journal about this time in our lives. Not only do I have these memories in my head, but they are recorded on paper for any time that I need them.
I am one blessed woman.
You're so strong Kaila! You and Jamey were such a blessing for Sam! Blessings :)
ReplyDeleteDEAR KAILA AND JAMEY, YOU BOTH HAVE BEEN VERY STRONG PARENTS FOR SAM. HE IS WITH OUR HEVANLY FATHER AND HE IS SURROUND BY LOVE. SO ARE YOU ALL.GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR BUDDING FAMILY ALWAYS,LOVE AUNT BARBARA AND UNLE TERRY
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