Kaila Mugford

I know I've been pretty quiet lately. And I'm pretty sure as time goes on, the more spread out my posts will become. So many blogs begin and end like this. I was told that if I ever wanted to make blogging my job that I would have to post just about every other day of the week for about 2 years to be taken seriously. I guess my heart's just not in it. I am not willing to work a job with no pay for 2 years to be noticed. I want people to read what I have to say and enjoy it. I want to write because I like it, and not because I'm working toward a goal to have so many followers. That being said, I do love it when someone posts a comment or clicks 'like' on my link. It just puts a smile on my face :-) Nothing really is new over here, that's why I've been quiet. Life has slowed down a little bit (thank goodness!). We have actually managed to stay in the same state for the last month, and don't have plans to go anywhere until the end of next month. It ...

I have so many topics I want to write about, yet can't seem to find the words at the moment. Maybe this is God's way of telling me, "not now." So many of my words find themselves scattered about a page, some loving, some insightful, some...not so much. The longer I sit though and think about what it is I want to write, the more I realize I'm trying to think of things that other people want to hear. I think, "Well, I'd like to write about placing judgement on other people," or "I'd love to write about the importance of reading the Bible," or even, "I'd really like to write about how we're doing great as moms even though EVERYONE writes about that." But then I stop. I have a really great idea and then I think, "Oh wait, no...you can't say it like that. Because someone will immediately be offended." I simply don't understand why we do this, all of us. I'm not innocent of this either. Recent...

This update is from my phone, so please forgive the inevitable typos. I'll do my best :-) Jamey, Mira, and I are all packed up in the car and heading to Chicago.  I'm flying to El Paso alone while Jamey stays at his best friend's house with Mira. His wife is also out of town, and he has their two boys so they're very excited to have a Daddy Daycare weekend! I on the other hand will be flying (hopefully, since I think my name is on a watch list or something...it never fails that I'm scanned, patted down, and all my carryons unpacked) to meet a woman I've come to know and love in the last 16 months. I can't wait to meet her and her beautiful family, and yet I wish I weren't going for the reason I am. I posted in August about her son, Kaden, who passed away on his 3 week week birthday to heart failure. We connected in May 2012 after Sam was born; she lost twin boys 3 days after he died. I didnt have a blog yet (but I've always kept a journal) and ...

A few days ago, I saw a beautiful story of a father's love for his daughter with down syndrome. It was on YouTube...and of course there are comments underneath it. Why do I read those? Why? As I scrolled through sentiments of, "Realistically, it was selfish of them to keep the baby knowing she wouldn't be able to function properly in society," and, "It would only be logical for them to have gotten rid of her if they truly loved her," a knot formed in my stomach. I honestly can’t believe that this is where “logic” and “realism” has gotten us. I'm so tired of these two words being used synonymously with pessimism . I've heard way too often as of late that even though my faith is all "fine and dandy," we simply DO NOT live in utopia. What I think people really mean when they say things like this is, "I'm going to be happy when things are good, but I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, so I'm go...

We're getting cable tomorrow...cable!! I think it's been about a year since we've had it, I can't remember. When we got rid of it, we were doing some super-budgeting trying to figure out if I could be a stay-at-home mom. We have Netflix and Hulu anyway, so we were good. It just meant we were one season behind everyone else. And commercials. I think so many people have DVR now, but I was getting tired of people asking, "Hey, have you seen THAT commercial?" No, no I haven't. I don't have cable.  First world problems. Pretty much though, I don't need cable. I just need a few channels. Mainly: HGTV, DIY, TLC, Bravo, Discovery, FoodNetwork, and FX. And you know what I like FX for? The movies it plays on the weekends. Which usually I own them anyway...but for some reason it just feels so special when I catch a favorite on tv! Why is that?? You know what question I got most (behind the commercial question)? HOW do you get your news?!? ????????...

I'm a supermom. Yeah, you heard me. Okay, I just put curtains up in my house and we've lived here for almost a year and a half. My kitchen (and bathroom) needs a good scrubbing. My eyebrows need plucked, my hair needs washed. But I'm still a supermom. Because... Mira is fed. She is clothed (several times a day). She has a clean diaper on I hope . She has too many toys to play with. She is happy. I may not be able to leap tall buildings, but I bet you've never seen someone move as fast as I can during nap time. That's MY super power. Who'd have thunk that chores that used to take me hours can now be done in one hour's time? Amazing what kind of super powers you get when you become a mother. And if I don't get the chores done...well, I'm still awesome because I probably took a nap with Mira. Which is just as important because who wants a cranky mama? I consider it doing my family a favor ;-) I write this for all the days I don't feel amaz...

"Hope deferred makes a heart sick,                but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life."                                      Proverbs 13:12 I've read this verse before, nestled between 24 others in this chapter. But during this week's service, it just hit me how true this really is. I've been living much of my life in "hope deferred" mode. I've been wanting to be a mommy for so very long, and for the longest time I didn't even realize it. In high school I focused on my grades, the extracurricular, and working. I had my eyes set on that diploma, and couldn't wait to find out where I would be attending college. Graduation day came and went. I found myself in college, with a major I thought would make my family proud and others "ooh and ahh" over. I couldn't wait...

A professor I had in college once said to the class, "... never become a stereotype." I watched as many of my classmates nodded their heads in agreement. But her words resonated with me in a much different tone, and I just had to let her know. "What if you were happy with your life, but just so happened to BE a stereotype? Should you focus on being 'outside' the box just for the sake of it, regardless of how you wanted to live your life?" I just had to ask her. This was a professor I got along with and respected, but it really bothered me that she would give a warning like this to my peers. WHAT in the WORLD is so WRONG with NOT making it your life's purpose to be unique??? I find uniqueness to be pretty hilarious in the fact that it in itself is a stereotype. Do you follow? Are you picking up what I'm throwing down here? ;-) I have a bachelors in biology and 6 years of experience as a research assistant. I just decided to become a stay ...

Time flies when you're having fun...how in the heck did 3 months go by already? I absolutely am blessed to watch my daughter grow up. To see things through her eyes (why is bath time so hilarious? And what is it about rotating fans that are so mesmerizing?) 3 months have come with so many new and exciting things like... Enjoying Saturday morning cartoons, like every good kid! 1. Mira LOVES t.v. (I know, I know, what kind of mother am I?) But to be perfectly honest, Jamey and I love it too. It's just our thing, we aren't even picky. We watch everything from Once Upon a Time to American Horror Story...so it's kind of hard to find something we don't like or haven't seen...although in the near future we're going to need to pick more kid-friendly stuff. Do we exercise as often as we should or read as many 'intellectually stimulating' books as we should? Probably not. But we do our best; we're healthy and can run with the genius crowd (yeah I sa...

I've never felt such heartbreak for another family...especially one that I've never met in person. The week that Sam died, I was introduced by a friend to a blog of a woman who lost twins. As I read about the emotions she was going through, I checked the date on the post, figuring that this was written years ago and this family had moved forward since then. But it wasn't. I was reading her life in real time...we had suffered our losses within 4 days of each other. Hers sudden, unexpected. Mine drawn out. Our first emails back and forth were of comfort and support, each sharing our individual stories. She couldn't imagine knowing for 4 months that her child would not live after birth. I couldn't imagine the shock of having no idea. When I got pregnant in September of last year, she and I continued to message. And when she got pregnant in January of this year, we finally took some time to Skype. I got to meet her and her beautiful daughter. We were both ecstat...

I just finished getting ready to go out to dinner. I know many people who don't like dressing up...but I love it. Working in a lab in jeans and a t-shirt every day can do that to you ;-) Have you ever had a certain smell call up a powerful memory? I'm sure you have, it happens to most everyone. Right now, as I wear my mother's perfume, I can smell my childhood. My parents would go out once every week or two when we were kids, and I loved it when they did (unless it was a not-so-friendly babysitter). The smell of my mother's perfume just takes me back. I can hear the hair dryer as she blow dries her bangs. I can hear her jewelry clink as she takes out the most gaudy pieces. I watch her as she meticulously applies her make up. And then she sprays her perfume. She always looked so put-together, so pretty. I thought my mom was the most beautiful woman I 'd ever seen. My sisters and I would try and wait up for them to get home, because they would be in such a good ...

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.   Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. ~Ephesians 4:31-32 I've been holding onto a lot of anger for a very long time. My thoughts and feelings toward a select few have become so bitter, that I have to bite my tongue each time I speak to them. I don't like these feelings I have. All they do is upset me, and nothing ever gets resolved. I'm constantly prompted in church to think of people I need to forgive...and the truth is I haven't done it. I think all the time about how I would go about this, and I've even tried to forgive those who have hurt me so badly. But every single time I try, I don't feel that weight being lifted off my shoulders. I don't immediately feel good. I know forgiveness sometimes has to happen more than once. Sometimes you have to forgive over and over. I honestly wi...

There's something I just need to get off my chest. I might regret it down the road. But just remember...I'm 25 and a brand new mother, okay? I don't claim to be the perfect parent (far from it), I'm just the daughter of the One I'm trying to learn from. I am incredibly sick and tired of the coddling we do to our children these days. And I'm not only speaking as a mother, but as a person who was a child until very recently and had to grow up with other coddled kids. Maybe you know what I'm talking about, maybe you don't. And I know every generation feels this way about the one coming right after them, but it's true. I would say we're rapidly approaching a society of blame, that it's everyone's fault but our own, that we're afraid of failure. But we're not approaching it. We are IN IT. I don't even know if I can say what I need to say appropriately, but one of the many points I took away from last Thursday and Friday at ...

I'm sitting downstairs listening to my baby cry. No, I'm not trying the cry it out method...she's upstairs with Daddy. She just hates bedtime. And as hard as it can be to hear her be so upset, I know she's just fine and just fighting sleep. I will miss these days, I know I will. I can't believe my baby is 2 months old, and yet, I feel like she has been with us forever. I don't even remember what it was like before we starting having kids, and it really wasn't that long ago. I love being a mother. Love it. Mira did end up getting her vaccinations (and I'm either an awesome Mom or how could I possibly do that to my child depending on your viewpoint). I realized though, that I had to let go of what others might think about the decisions I'm making as a mother. Because I'm making them out of my love for her. I'm making them based on what I feel is best for her. And if I make a decision that somewhere down the road leads to some compl...

All of a sudden today I got this overwhelming feeling that I don't know what I'm doing. I haven't read one single parenting book...not one. I didn't read them while pregnant with Mira partially because I didn't want to get my hopes up. I know many new parents pour over new parenting books, baby's first year, what to expect, etc. They compare the milestones their babies hit with those described in the books. I'm really not sure what Mira should be doing yet at 2 months old. She smiles, coos, follows us around the house with her eyes. She sleeps all night long, and eats heartily. My intuition tells me everything's fine, that the decisions we've made for her are right. But today is just different. I feel like I should pick up some parenting books...maybe Mira is not as happy as she should be? Sometimes when she fusses people just look at me like something is wrong with her. And it makes me worry if there is. Mira gets her vaccinations on Wedn...

It's almost 2am....and I'm up. Pretty normal for new parents, but it hasn't been our norm for over 2 weeks now. Mira goes to bed before midnight and gets up around 8am. I know. Be jealous. But we're in the hospital, and will be for at least 48 hours as we wait for blood, urine, and CSF cultures come back on Mira. This makes for our third time in 8 weeks Mira has been hospitalized. Ok. Now don't be jealous. She spiked a fever today, and has been pretty lethargic. I decided to call the pediatrician hoping they'd just say "give her x dose of tylenol and call us back," but no such luck. I got an, "you have an appointment at 3:45." So we went in. And then got an, "She has a fever of 101.6. That's pretty serious for a baby her age, and we cannot see an obvious reason why she'd have a fever (no ear infection, throat is clear, and no vomiting). We're going to have to admit her." I actually said, "Are you serious?!...

So...I did it. I let go of my worries, my fears, my pride. ...and quit my job. 0_o The last time I asked for prayers, Jamey and I were in the midst of making this decision. We weren't sure how things would work out (and still don't know what God has in store for us), but we are now confident that this is the right decision for our family. But I had to let go bit by bit. I've been working since I was 15 years old, and the only reason I've ever quit a job before is I was moving to or from college (or in one case I had a boss that made me cry every day for almost 3 months). This was my first big girl job, one that I truly enjoyed. And thankfully when I went in to give my notice, my boss made it easy to say goodbye. He told me that I would be missed but he completely understood my desire to want to be home. He said that after everything we've been through that he was happy for me, and that if I ever do decide to get back into the field, he would be more than...

I am reminded every time I look at her beautiful face, just how precious life really is. Losing one too soon, I fear the loss of another. My heart whispers prayers to never feel that pain again. Time travels and I feel myself standing still, soaking in the moments I have with this little one. I pray for a lifetime of memories, for me to grow old, for me to be the one to say goodbye next time. I pray for her future, her happiness, her relationship with God. My worries and fears for what the future might hold, subside when I remember how He loves her more than I ever could. I have prayed "let Your will be done" in the face of death, and it was. With our loss we grew stronger in Him, and have been blessed again.  Giving You all the praise, thank you, Oh Lord.

How do 10 days go by so quickly? I swear I just posted a couple of days ago... It was pretty easy losing track of the time while spending a week with my family. Sigh . I miss them. And I'm really at a blank right now as to what to post. Jamey and I are really having to make some big decisions, but I'm just not ready to talk about them publicly yet...soon though! Mira slept for 7 hours straight last night. I actually woke up afraid that I had missed something or hadn't heard her because she had slept for so long. And she went down like a dream tonight...please Lord don't let this be a rarity ;-) I'm sure I sound like a broken record at this point, but can I just reiterate how incredibly blessed we are? We have baby items coming out our ears at this point that have been just handed to us by our family and friends, we have good jobs, great insurance, cars that run, and we have a wonderful relationship that has weathered through the worst. We are tired, things...

Mira already has us on our toes...and she's not even mobile yet! We have had yet another hospital stay. I'd rather not continue this trend, and neither would the doctors. Don't worry, it was nothing incredibly serious this time, just a panicky doctor in the ER who decided to admit us without knowing anything of our history. Let's start from the beginning. Mira has been extra fussy for the last week or so I would say. I was thinking she's just a fussy baby. She feeds all the time, has plenty of wet diapers, and she was sleeping soundly for several hours at a time during the night. However, several people mentioned that she was still looking really small and skinny. I bounced back and forth between thinking she was just fine and worrying if there was something I should be taking her in for. I DO NOT by any means want to be running this baby up to the pediatrician for every teeny tiny little thing. Just because we lost Sam does not mean I want to be a crazy he...

I try not to worry too much...I try. I did everything "perfect" with Sam. When I found out I was pregnant I stopped drinking pop, I started eating better, I stayed away from medications and chemicals...and at 20 weeks pregnant, we found out that doing everything perfect did us no good. Sam was sick, and there was nothing we could have done or could do to help him. So I try not to worry...because even if I do absolutely everything to the book, there are no guarantees. But raising a baby has brought worry to a whole new level. She's here, alive and breathing, and yet I worry about every decision I make for her. I feel like I'm a pong ball being volleyed back and forth between different schools of parenting. Being pushed between the shoulds and shouldn'ts of parenthood. And so many parents feel like their way is the only way. If you don't do it their way, you've ruined your child forever. I don't have this strong a feeling about my way of d...

Mira will be 3 weeks old tomorrow. It's amazing how before she was born, I felt like 3 weeks would last forever, and now that she's here, I felt like I blinked and the weeks just ran by me. I've gotten a lot of questions about Mira and how it feels having her after having lost Sam. To be honest, at this point I feel like losing Sam was something that happened to someone else, not me. Not to say that I don't remember the pain of losing him, that I don't still cry when I think about the life we missed out on with him...but having Mira has changed something about the way I feel about his loss. I told a friend today who had lost her daughter over 30 years ago that I can't imagine having had a healthy baby and having THEN lost Sam. I guess I didn't know what I was really missing out on, I'd never seen a baby hit milestones. I loved and missed him like I never had anyone before, but I truly didn't know how my love could grow day by day for my baby. ...

I'm giddy. And tired. Happy. A little sad. Every emotion in the human spectrum has hit me in such a short period of time, it's unbelievable. Call it hormones. Sleep deprivation. Whatever it is, I hope these feelings don't ever go away. I loved and will always love Sam with all my heart. I still ache to hold the son who will forever be a baby to me, still miss his sweet smell, his hands and feet, his chubby cheeks. I honestly do not know or remember how we were able to walk out of that hospital empty handed just over a year ago. I'm positive God just lifted us up and carried us right out of there. Having Mira home is blissful. I've never been happier to be up in the middle of the night (several times). Talking to her, watching her watch me, listening to those sweet baby sounds of pure contentment coming from her after feeding...I love it. We are starting to get into a routine now, after all the time spent in the hospital. Mira and I sleep in the living room a...

SHE'S HERE!! Mira James Mugford was born on Friday, May 31st 2013 at 11:17am. Weight: 8lbs 3oz        Length: 20.5 inches I will have to post her birth story soon, but for now I hope you'll enjoy the pictures :) Mira has had a bit of a challenging first few days of life with high bilirubin levels and has been under the UV lights almost constantly. But she is such a good baby and we are in love! 39 weeks and 1 day--on our way to the hospital! Happy Birthday Mira! Just a few minutes out of surgery. Sleeping so peacefully Getting to know Daddy while we burp! All ready to be discharged from the hospital! And, back in the hospital just 24 hours after discharge with high bilirubin levels...working on our tan now! It has been a crazy 4 days with little sleep and lots of doc visits, but I can't wait to sit down and write everything out. Hope these hold you over until then :)