I've never felt such heartbreak for another family...especially one that I've never met in person.
The week that Sam died, I was introduced by a friend to a blog of a woman who lost twins. As I read about the emotions she was going through, I checked the date on the post, figuring that this was written years ago and this family had moved forward since then.
But it wasn't. I was reading her life in real time...we had suffered our losses within 4 days of each other. Hers sudden, unexpected. Mine drawn out. Our first emails back and forth were of comfort and support, each sharing our individual stories. She couldn't imagine knowing for 4 months that her child would not live after birth. I couldn't imagine the shock of having no idea.
When I got pregnant in September of last year, she and I continued to message. And when she got pregnant in January of this year, we finally took some time to Skype. I got to meet her and her beautiful daughter.
We were both ecstatic to have something to look forward to...but we were walking hand in hand in the grief we still felt for the children we never got to bring home.
When Mira was born, she messaged me with excitement and congratulations, and it just made us all that more excited for her son to be born just a few months later.
Kaden was born August 5th. I was incredibly excited for their family as they felt the joy that we experienced the day of Mira's birth. He had some issues breathing, so was taken to the NICU.
And then the world came tumbling down.
The day they were planning on taking him home, a heart problem was discovered and he was flown to a more specialized hospital. Upon testing, they found that a virus had attacked his heart. He needed a transplant, but was ineligible for one because of the virus.
Kaden died yesterday at 3 weeks old. My heart just can't comprehend this kind of hurt. This loss has taken me back to the day Sam died, and to be honest I can't even really fully take myself there. I have no words for this family, this woman I've come to know and love...because there are none.
A parent should never have to walk this earth without their child. Ever. I know this isn't how things work, but I feel as though if you lose one, you should have a free pass at the happiest life possible. Because you have to live the rest of it with part of your heart separated from you. It's just so wrong.
As I sit and hold my Mira(cle)...my heart feels like it's going to fall out for Kaden's family. And it makes me realize just how incredibly special Mira is. We don't know if what Sam had any genetic links, so with every pregnancy we will have no idea the health status until about 4-5 months in. We weren't even guaranteed to get pregnant again, a fear I had shortly after he was born.
I wake up many times a night (like any other mother) to check her breathing. But I have a real fear that one time I will just walk in there and she'll be gone. When you've lost a child you just come to truly understand that these things happen, that your kid could be taken from you again.
Despite the possibility, I can't imagine truly living it twice. It's something I'm not even going to try to understand how it fits into God's plan because it is so far beyond me. I know He works all things for good, but this just plain hurts.
So friends, if you could please lift up this family in prayer, they need it. May Kaden rest in peace with no more pain and suffering. I know the Lord loves him more than anyone and Jesus has him in His arms.
The week that Sam died, I was introduced by a friend to a blog of a woman who lost twins. As I read about the emotions she was going through, I checked the date on the post, figuring that this was written years ago and this family had moved forward since then.
But it wasn't. I was reading her life in real time...we had suffered our losses within 4 days of each other. Hers sudden, unexpected. Mine drawn out. Our first emails back and forth were of comfort and support, each sharing our individual stories. She couldn't imagine knowing for 4 months that her child would not live after birth. I couldn't imagine the shock of having no idea.
When I got pregnant in September of last year, she and I continued to message. And when she got pregnant in January of this year, we finally took some time to Skype. I got to meet her and her beautiful daughter.
We were both ecstatic to have something to look forward to...but we were walking hand in hand in the grief we still felt for the children we never got to bring home.
When Mira was born, she messaged me with excitement and congratulations, and it just made us all that more excited for her son to be born just a few months later.
Kaden was born August 5th. I was incredibly excited for their family as they felt the joy that we experienced the day of Mira's birth. He had some issues breathing, so was taken to the NICU.
And then the world came tumbling down.
The day they were planning on taking him home, a heart problem was discovered and he was flown to a more specialized hospital. Upon testing, they found that a virus had attacked his heart. He needed a transplant, but was ineligible for one because of the virus.
Kaden died yesterday at 3 weeks old. My heart just can't comprehend this kind of hurt. This loss has taken me back to the day Sam died, and to be honest I can't even really fully take myself there. I have no words for this family, this woman I've come to know and love...because there are none.
A parent should never have to walk this earth without their child. Ever. I know this isn't how things work, but I feel as though if you lose one, you should have a free pass at the happiest life possible. Because you have to live the rest of it with part of your heart separated from you. It's just so wrong.
As I sit and hold my Mira(cle)...my heart feels like it's going to fall out for Kaden's family. And it makes me realize just how incredibly special Mira is. We don't know if what Sam had any genetic links, so with every pregnancy we will have no idea the health status until about 4-5 months in. We weren't even guaranteed to get pregnant again, a fear I had shortly after he was born.
I wake up many times a night (like any other mother) to check her breathing. But I have a real fear that one time I will just walk in there and she'll be gone. When you've lost a child you just come to truly understand that these things happen, that your kid could be taken from you again.
Despite the possibility, I can't imagine truly living it twice. It's something I'm not even going to try to understand how it fits into God's plan because it is so far beyond me. I know He works all things for good, but this just plain hurts.
So friends, if you could please lift up this family in prayer, they need it. May Kaden rest in peace with no more pain and suffering. I know the Lord loves him more than anyone and Jesus has him in His arms.
Comments
Post a Comment