Skip to main content

Shower Day

I had been waiting for today for almost 2 years. Jamey and I started trying to get pregnant May 2011, and found out we were pregnant with Sam in September of that year. And I just couldn't wait for the shower and all the fun cute things that went with it.

But we ended up not being able to have a shower. We hadn't even bought anything by the time we found out that Sam would not be with us for very long, and the last thing I wanted was a room full of baby things with no baby to use them.

We had a 'Life Celebration' party for Sam I think almost exactly this time last year. It was so much fun...it was almost hard to believe it was for a baby who wasn't going to live. Instead of strollers and diapers, we asked for inspirational items and received the most beautiful angel figurines, baby blankets, and books to read to Sam while he was still growing.

I couldn't help but think about that day last year during our shower today. It was so beautiful, and my in-laws did a fantastic job. It was all about "building baby's library", and the tables were full of confetti, pop-up story books, and candy. We had the neatest cupcake "cake" that looked like storybooks piled on top of each other, and each food item was based on a book theme.

I absolutely loved it.

Opening the gifts, however, was difficult. Being that the last time we did this I was opening up angel baby gifts, just caused a lump in my throat that I had a hard time swallowing. I had a big smile on my face the entire time....because I am just so thrilled, I really am. But I couldn't help but want to crawl up into a ball and cry on the floor. Out of sadness for Sam, and happiness of all the love I felt from everyone in that room....just because it is amazing at how incredibly blessed we are.

I couldn't believe how exhausted I was after the party, I mean, it was only 2 hours long! And I sat opening gifts for most of it! But the emotional roller coaster I was on for most of the day took its toll, and I am feeling it now. I just feel wrapped in so much love, and I know I will be sleeping soundly tonight.

I can't wait to go into our girl's room and start unpacking things. I can't wait until we get to use them. I just can't wait for her to get here :)

I found my journal entry from this time last year, written to Sam:

Dear Baby Sam,
One more work day until I get a 3-day weekend devoted to you! I am so excited for your party on Saturday. You have been moving around so much in the last day, it has been incredible! I wish you could be out here with us to celebrate the day, but at least you'll be with me. At least you'll enjoy the sweets :) I am getting more and more anxious to meet you. Time is going by quickly, but I feel like it will be forever before you get here and we are all settled into the new house.
I got a quilt to embroider for you. I'm really afraid I won't have time to finish it before you're born. Why didn't I think of something like this sooner? I feel like I've finally come out of a haze where I know how I feel about things and what I want to get done, and how I want to spend the time with you when you're born. I don't know why it took me so long. Or maybe it didn't. I love you so much baby, please stay with us as long as you can.
Love,
Mommy

We had 40 days left with him. It felt like so long at the time...and now it feels like I blinked.

So, to sum up today: It was wonderful. Happy. Sad. Full of love. We are blessed.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Hardest Part

One year ago today I had my very last prenatal checkup. I saw both my maternal-fetal medicine specialist and my ob/gyn. My blood pressure was great. Gabriel was still there and moving. There was no indication that within 24 hours my liver would start to fail. I didn't know that April 13th, 2018 would be the last time I ever saw my baby on an ultrasound. It would be the last time I heard his heartbeat. I didn't know that the next morning a pain would begin. The next day I would meet my sweet little 2-month-old nephew. I wouldn't be able to eat because I just wasn't feeling well. I would stay up late with the pain, sipping water and waiting for it to pass. The next night would be spent in the ER, not knowing we would be meeting Gabriel face to face just 10 hours later. One year ago was the beginning of goodbye to this teeny boy. And I had no idea. Wednesday morning. It's time to get ready to leave. Except it's 3:00am. I keep waking up, worried tha...
2 comments
Read more

A New Way to Celebrate

"But He could have saved my boys.  He could have . I'm so angry He didn't. I'm going to have to work through that with God, and I'm going to need time to do it. This isn't a quick fix, and there is no band-aid big enough to patch this damage. This cut is so deep it's going to take some major reconstructive surgery." I wrote that nearly two years ago. Two years. I wasn't wrong. There has been no quick fix. There was no band-aid. I'm still working through this with God. I still need time. I'll likely be working on this grief until it's my turn to leave this world. What I can  say is the waves have settled a bit; the intensity of the grief not quite so severe. I don't talk about them as much anymore. I no longer desire to go back to the hospital and cradle their cold bodies. We're done having children....even that  thought isn't as painful as it was just a year ago. Sam's birthday is April 30th. Gabriel...
2 comments
Read more

On Not Writing.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash Kaila...why don't you write? I stopped writing, really writing , almost 3 years ago.  Sometimes I share my old posts. Sometimes I just read them on my own, so glad I put words to my feelings at the time.  Sometimes they remind me that the feelings haven't gone away. Last night as I put the kids to bed, Edward said, Mom, I know what I want for Christmas.  What's that, buddy? He paused for a moment. I want a wittle brudder. This isn't the first time he's asked. It likely won't be the last. We're honest with Mira and Edward that we can't have any more kids; and to try would risk my life. There's a bit of confusion just because of their ages, but they're getting to the point where it's really starting to settle in. Mom, can we go get a baby? Like, adopt?  We've walked this thought-road as well, weighing our options. We've weighed every. single. option.  We've considered trying again, rolling the dice...
Post a Comment
Read more