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It Still Hurts

I have an admission that I'm not very proud of.

While I was pregnant with Sam, and after he was born, I wanted nothing to do with other pregnant women. Absolutely nothing. Or newborns. I had a frustration and an anger that I didn't know how to deal with when I was around other people who had what seemed like perfect families with perfectly healthy babies. And it was all taken for granted.

And you know what? It still hurts.

I still have a hard time with ultrasound pictures, pregnancy pictures, new baby pictures, that pop up on my newsfeed. I am so incredibly happy for these parents, please don't get me wrong.

But I'm happy from a distance.

It doesn't seem to make any sense though does it? We are waiting on our healthy baby girl in the next 10 or so weeks...and I'm still holding onto these painful feelings of not having a baby in my arms while others have multiple children.

I don't have the bitterness that I used to. Just an extreme sadness for what I missed out on with Sam. What I would give to smell him just one more time, or to hear him cry.

And I'm sure these feelings will resurface even when we welcome this new baby. Feelings of elation mixed with grief. When a new baby comes...it just makes me sad. But then that baby gets older, fattens up a bit...and that sadness melts for me. That baby no longer reminds me of Sam, or having to hand him over to a man with a basket lined with soft pillows.

I worry that my sadness comes off as unhappiness for others, which couldn't be farther from the truth. I love babies, and their beautiful families. They are all gifts from God.

But Sam was too. As his memory seems to fade, and the further we move from his birth, the sadder I get about him.

I do not forget to count my blessings, however. Many are denied the gift of children, and the last thing I want is to seem ungrateful for mine. I just get sad sometimes. And that's okay.

Comments

  1. HyacynthMarch 14, 2013 at 5:16 PM

    It IS ok! Jesus cried for the broken, for the loss, for what death steals from us. And one child doesn't replace another as you know and will come to feel with every fiber of your being every time you think of both Sam and your new little one. And that's ok and normal and right, too. I love you, Kaila. Thanks for sharing your heart.

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