My computer is up and running! What would I do without my husband?
I feel like I'm getting a little stale. I have had little to write about in the last couple weeks-mostly because I've had very little time to think. At work I run around all day going from this to that with barely enough time for lunch (or a thought) in between, and then when I come home I numb my brain with television and crocheting.
It's been disappointing really. I enjoy sitting down with a good book, or reading thought-provoking articles, or scripture. I enjoy learning, I really do. But lately I haven't been taking the time to really teach myself anything new, nor have I had the inclination to do so. This has been making me feel disconnected lately, and I just don't know how I feel about it.
I've had several people ask me lately what it is that I'm passionate about, and really the only thing I can come up with at this point in time is being a mother. I want to be the best kind of mom out there (not perfect by any means, but as good as I can be), but even then I'm not really doing what a passionate mother would be.
It's a strange place having lost a child and being so close to holding another. I haven't really gone into the nursery much at all this pregnancy...I have clothes to sort and wash, books to read on breastfeeding and raising baby. I have a registry to finish and plans to make. And I haven't been doing a single one of them.
On the one hand, I'm tired. I am just having a hard time motivating myself to get up and organize (even though there's so much of it to do around here). On the other hand...I think I'm waiting. Waiting for the moment were we will know for sure we are bringing this girl home, and that moment will most likely be at the hospital.
I think Jamey and I are just being cautious right now. Not negative or morbid, but we know much better than we ever have before in our lives that nothing is guaranteed. So, we've taken on this kind of "let's wait and see" attitude. Not that we don't want to prepare or be excited for this baby (because goodness knows we are SO excited), but really more of a "let's not rush things" type of thing is going on right now.
Most of our friends are pretty understanding of this. Most say they couldn't even imagine having been through what we have and the feelings that must come along with a new pregnancy. It's kind of funny because we really can't imagine it either. Because we knew so early that Sam was sick, we really didn't plan anything for him. We bought him 3 outfits during the pregnancy (different sized ones just in case he was born early), and we had a party to celebrate his life, but we didn't want any baby things. We didn't really plan for a baby to come home with us, because we knew he wouldn't be. We didn't really build a savings or plan for daycare, because we wouldn't need it. My body is tired from having one baby less than a year ago and at the moment growing another. My brain is tired from thinking of all the planning that should be happening right now but isn't.
So, I'm totally new to this. Completely unsure of myself. But it's nice to know that we're not alone in feeling that way as new parents. I am excited, scared, and exhausted. But I'm not alone :)
If you could tell yourself one thing before your first baby came home, what would it be?
I feel like I'm getting a little stale. I have had little to write about in the last couple weeks-mostly because I've had very little time to think. At work I run around all day going from this to that with barely enough time for lunch (or a thought) in between, and then when I come home I numb my brain with television and crocheting.
It's been disappointing really. I enjoy sitting down with a good book, or reading thought-provoking articles, or scripture. I enjoy learning, I really do. But lately I haven't been taking the time to really teach myself anything new, nor have I had the inclination to do so. This has been making me feel disconnected lately, and I just don't know how I feel about it.
I've had several people ask me lately what it is that I'm passionate about, and really the only thing I can come up with at this point in time is being a mother. I want to be the best kind of mom out there (not perfect by any means, but as good as I can be), but even then I'm not really doing what a passionate mother would be.
It's a strange place having lost a child and being so close to holding another. I haven't really gone into the nursery much at all this pregnancy...I have clothes to sort and wash, books to read on breastfeeding and raising baby. I have a registry to finish and plans to make. And I haven't been doing a single one of them.
On the one hand, I'm tired. I am just having a hard time motivating myself to get up and organize (even though there's so much of it to do around here). On the other hand...I think I'm waiting. Waiting for the moment were we will know for sure we are bringing this girl home, and that moment will most likely be at the hospital.
I think Jamey and I are just being cautious right now. Not negative or morbid, but we know much better than we ever have before in our lives that nothing is guaranteed. So, we've taken on this kind of "let's wait and see" attitude. Not that we don't want to prepare or be excited for this baby (because goodness knows we are SO excited), but really more of a "let's not rush things" type of thing is going on right now.
Most of our friends are pretty understanding of this. Most say they couldn't even imagine having been through what we have and the feelings that must come along with a new pregnancy. It's kind of funny because we really can't imagine it either. Because we knew so early that Sam was sick, we really didn't plan anything for him. We bought him 3 outfits during the pregnancy (different sized ones just in case he was born early), and we had a party to celebrate his life, but we didn't want any baby things. We didn't really plan for a baby to come home with us, because we knew he wouldn't be. We didn't really build a savings or plan for daycare, because we wouldn't need it. My body is tired from having one baby less than a year ago and at the moment growing another. My brain is tired from thinking of all the planning that should be happening right now but isn't.
So, I'm totally new to this. Completely unsure of myself. But it's nice to know that we're not alone in feeling that way as new parents. I am excited, scared, and exhausted. But I'm not alone :)
If you could tell yourself one thing before your first baby came home, what would it be?
Trust your instincts. That's what I would have told myself. And if they are strong feelings, keep trusting them more than you trust what other people say.
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