Kaila Mugford

It's been building. The stress, the self-pity, the feeling of hopelessness. I don't even really know exactly where it's come from, other than it's here, and I feel like I've been drowning in it. Drowning. One little thing today that would normally have irritated me for a minute and I would have let it go and moved on just set me off in a spiral that I couldn't control. I let it consume me all day, making me angrier the longer the hours ticked until I was able to just come home and let it out. I lay in my bed, thinking about the tears I knew needed to come, but just weren't. Jamey came into our darkened bedroom for a few minutes and when he didn't ask what was wrong, I just shooed him out. I lay for a few minutes longer just figuring I would fall asleep. And then my phone rang. My mother's ringtone. I'd tried to call her right after work but there was no answer, and I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to answer this call. But I did. ...

My Facebook feed lately has been filled with parents desperate for one good night's sleep, begging for the sicknesses to stop, and the kids to sit down for just. one. minute. You may laugh, but this scares me a bit. I know there are many fun times to be had with little ones, but the majority of posts that are deemed Facebook-worthy are negative. And no, my friends don't have naughty kids, and no, my friends are not negative people (or at least most of them aren't). I'm sure the posts are more meant for "Is anybody out there I'm going crazy over here please tell me I'm not," as opposed to "My life is awful, feel sorry for me." But still, it scares me. I don't even know if I should say this, or if this is truly how I feel. But I feel like Sam died forever ago...I don't remember how he smelled, nor how it felt to hold him. Nothing. It's like I have all these pictures up of a baby I know is mine, I know I love, but I truly have ...

How Far Along: 25 weeks! Size of baby: Cauliflower...cute huh? Sleep: Much better this week! Been having some interesting dreams but we are getting back to "normal" now. We already kind of look like up-all-night parents with bags under our eyes, so be ready for the zombies that come out of our house here in a few months ;-) Total Weight Gain: I think about 12 pounds. Baby weighs 2 pounds for sure now. Symptoms: Incredible pain in my lower abdomen, like a stabbing pain when I walk. I got off the couch tonight and couldn't even stand up straight it was so bad. Where's my wheelchair? Haha! Oh and I really can't eat anything without having heartburn....especially not my beloved Mickey Ds! Movement: She's pretty quiet during the day. In fact, a couple days ago she was so still I got worried and drank some juice, which she then kicked me a couple times and went back to sleep. Mom! I was sleeping didn't ya know! But I'm pretty sure she's up...

I do not have a green thumb. Like...at all. I don't really think anyone else in my family does either. Plant something outside? That I don't have to take care of? I'm a rockstar. My most successful plant has been a little evergreen that was given to me by a coworker and I potted about 2 years ago. It now grows itty bitty pine cones! Bring something inside? Kiss of death. But. Now...I have a magic window. No, seriously. A window that every plant we put in front of it comes back from the dead. We can even forget to water it, and it lives! I was so excited about this tonight that I just had to snap a quick picture. We had a "Life Celebration" party for Sam around this time last year. One of the gifts we received was a red Japanese maple...which we are told is very easy to care for. And it is. Except I killed it. Or thought so. Look! It's.....ALIVE!! At that party we also received a gift certificate to a greenhouse for another plant. We chose a rose...

There is one thing in this world that stops me dead in my tracks and makes sure that I put my butt in bed and actually sleep: a stomach ache. It's ridiculous, actually, and I have no idea where my fear of throwing up came from. My mother tells me that I have always been this way, having a massive panic attack every time I'm sick to my stomach. Give me strep, a head cold, anything...just nothing that makes me sick to my stomach, please no. I have been laid up in my bed the entire day with a belly ache, and last night I called triage because I really felt like I might die (a little dramatic huh?) When I was in the hospital last week they gave me a list of symptoms to look out for and "heartburn that won't go away" was on the list...so I called. At 5am. And the nurse said, "Honey, I think you just need to lean over a toilet and get it over with." She was being sweet when she said it, but I told her that really wasn't an option for me and what else...

This week has been another incredibly busy week for us (when will I EVER learn to sit down? Oh yeah, when I'm ordered to.) I have been having some severe pain in my lower abdominal area, so Jamey and I headed up to triage last night to be checked out. They did that super fun pelvic exam and then ran a few tests. They said baby is nice and high and my body is showing no signs of preterm labor which is wonderful. But one of the tests they ran was for a protein called fetal fibronectin, which is secreted before your body gets ready to give birth, and mine came back positive. It still could mean nothing (as it pretty much tells you more if it's negative), but the doctors are keeping a close eye on me for right now and kept me overnight last night for observation. Let's just say Jamey and I have had better nights sleep before ;-) But I am home now and am told to take it easy until they see me again on Monday. So please if you could add us to your prayer list, we would really app...

One of the things that has surprised me most in the last year or so is just how many people oppose sharing anything. And not just about their lives (because I completely understand that is a personal choice), but about mine . I couldn't even begin to tell you how many times I've been asked the question, "Why do you share your life like that? I wouldn't if I were you, it makes you too vulnerable." I get those looks that say, "That is your private life, and you shouldn't share." Now of course I'm not talking about seriously private matters of the home that should be kept between spouses or within family. The types of things I've been asked about are topics like my son, Sam, about my praises to God, and about my pregnancy now. That those things are "personal"...and should be kept to myself. Why do I continue to share when it makes me "oh so vulnerable"? For starters...it's because so few people are willing to. I...

How Far Along: 23 weeks and 3 days! Size of baby: We have a little grapefruit! Sleep: Suprisingly the most comfortable position I have found right now is sleeping on my back. I have no idea why, but it works for me. Total Weight Gain: Around 10 lbs....but baby over one of them! Symptoms: Heartburn. Every. time. I. eat. anything. Movement: Lots of movement! Every family member has now been able to feel her kick. Maternity Clothes: Pants, shirts, you name it. I can't fit my old clothes at all anymore. Go-to eats: I just kind of want everything at this point and at the same time nothing...because I know I'm going to be tasting it for hours after I've eaten. Best moment of the week: Going home to see my family and they got to feel her kick! Gender: We're having a little girl! What I wish people knew: I love being pregnant. Although I'm very uncomfortable and have crazy heartburn, I love every minute of it. Because pregnancy was really the o...

I am heading back to family this weekend for the funeral of my Aunt who passed away in a car accident almost a week ago. Although I am looking forward to spending time with everyone, the reason is just too sad. I wanted to put something on here as a type of memorial to my beautiful Aunt, but the words are just not coming right now. How can  you describe in just a few short paragraphs the entirety of a person's life? My Aunt was only 12 years older than me...more the age of an older sister. She used to babysit me and truly enjoyed telling the stories of how I used to scare the socks off her when I was little. Of how she got in trouble all the time because she was supposed to be watching me and just when she turned around I would do something like fall down the stairs in my walker. And of how according to my Grandmother my name was Shay-Kaila because she just couldn't separate our names. We would laugh and laugh and laugh. My Aunt was just one of those people you could never ...

I just feel the need to share some funnies tonight. It has been a rough week for my family, but even in the hard times there need to be some smiles. My husband Jamey just makes me laugh. Without even trying. And when he laughs, I laugh harder. Those who know him know what I mean...just one of those people whose giggle is contagious. Tonight as I was washing my face for bed, I looked at Jamey and asked "Have you ever wondered what it would be like to not be you but to interact with you for a day?" (I hope I'm not the only one who thinks about these types of things.) He looks at me and without missing a beat says "I bet it would be the most interesting conversation of my day." Totally serious. Of course, I can't help but just laugh so hard. He then went on to explain that most of it could be done with body language and facial expressions, since he would already know what he would be thinking. I of course told him that would violate the rules of the day...

This week seems like it has lasted forever. I have been fighting a cold this entire week and sleeping through a stuffed nose has not been fun. I think it's starting to go away though :) How Far Along: 22 weeks and 3 days! Size of baby: About the size of a papaya Sleep: Difficult again, but can't really blame it on pregnancy. Just having a hard time staying asleep! Total Weight Gain: Around 10 lbs....but baby one of them! Symptoms: A lot of back pain...already. If I'm on my feet for too long I feel awful! Movement: Definitely! This girl likes to sleep during the day and is awake in the evenings/early morning. Maternity Clothes: Pants, shirts, you name it. I can't fit my old clothes at all anymore. Go-to eats: Anything with butter, salt, or cheese...yep this one has a healthy start to life ;) Best moment of the week: Strangers notice my belly now and are quick to say congratulations. This time I can really have a smile on my face, say thank you, an...