Kaila Mugford

A few weeks before Christmas, I was asked to write about our journey with Sam by a fellow blogger. It was an honor to write a featured story (when I hadn't written in so long), so thank you for sharing it Kim, and a thank you to my friend Cala for connecting us. This writing inspired me to start my own blog, so here is the link: http://kimharms.net/2013/01/31/preparing-for-goodbye-by-kaila-mugford/ Thanks for reading!

I. am. exhausted. Even more exhausted than I was in the first few months of being pregnant with this baby. And that's saying a lot. I come home and try to relax, but I struggle with relaxation if my house is dirty. If there's anything that needs to be done, I just have to do it. Maybe I've started to nest? I haven't always been like this...sure it has bothered me to have dirty dishes in the sink but right now, it bothers me to the point I can't resist doing them. So, I come home after a long day at work, we decide on something to eat, and sit down for a few minutes. We've been eating in silence for this week only because the both of us are too tired to talk. So we eat, take care of anything from the mail or bills, clean up, sweep floors if need be, do a load of laundry...and then it's bedtime. Every day, in and out. And I am crazy tired....I really don't even know what's coming, do I? If I think I'm tired now...I bet I will yearn for the...

Although at times it makes me sad, I am really enjoying going back through the journal of letters that I wrote to Sam this time last year. It is bringing back some really wonderful memories of the 4 months we had with him before he came into this world only to leave it and us 50 minutes later. I hope you don't mind that I'm sharing these journal entries, but if in some way they could help someone else see the hope in this world, I consider it completely worth it. Maybe one day I will write a book including every letter (along with some that Jamey wrote), about our journey with Sam. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. 1-29-12 Baby Sam, Grandma & Grandpa Davis just left. You were so active for them, I finally realized at the doctors on Friday that the twitches I feel are you kicking! So nice to have a constant reminder that you're right here with me, such a strong baby. Even Daddy can feel you move a lot. We have found you really like sherbert ice cre...

Let me just preface this by saying that I love my life. Yes there are days where I would rather be someone else, but overall I am completely content. But some moments are just way better than others. Do you ever have those moments where you just stop and think, "I'm getting just a little taste of heaven here. I could stay here, in this moment...forever." Those moments tend to happen for me, more often than not, on the weekends. On bright, sunny, beautiful days. Where I can open my blinds (if not my windows) and just let the sunshine pour in. When the house is completely quiet, and as clean as can be. Sometimes I make myself a cup of tea even if I don't feel like tea, sit on my couch, and just soak it up. What makes moments like those so special? The tea? The sun? The clean house? And why do they only pretty much happen on the weekends? It's because I allow myself to take those moments. During the week, I get caught up in the busyness and I forget or I am ...

This week has been pretty uneventful, other than we have not gotten very much sleep. And I feel as though I may be coming down with something...just in time for the weekend. So here's our week: How Far Along: 21 weeks and 1 day! Size of baby: Length of a large banana! Sleep: Difficult this week for some reason, but planning on spending as much of the weekend in bed as possible. Total Weight Gain: Around 10 lbs....but baby is almost one of them! Symptoms: Indigestion...yum. I pretty much taste my food for hours and hours after I have eaten it. At least this helps me with portion control :) Movement: Definitely! I don't really feel movement every hour yet, but we are getting there quickly. Maternity Clothes: Getting a little worried that my maternity clothes were not made to stretch as big as I might get...I'm REALLY big for 5 months compared to this time last year. Go-to eats: Anything with butter, salt, or cheese...yep this one has a healthy start to l...

We have been busy every night this week. I feel like we have had absolutely no time to ourselves to just sit down and decompress...and it has made the week seem all the longer. I think to myself, "I am so tired I will just crash tonight and sleep well. Today has been such a long day that I will rely on exhaustion to get me through the night." But it doesn't happen. I toss and I turn, waking from dreams I can't escape. Why? Too much on my mind, too much on my heart. The worries of tomorrow consume the thoughts of today. Why? Why do I do this almost every day? And then... So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries.    Tod...

I do not like picking names. Especially for a person . I'm sure I can't be the only parent that worries they'll pick a name that will make my child the butt of every joke in the future... But thankfully, Jamey and I have been very open to God's whispers and a nudge here and there. Do you want to know how we picked Sam's name? It was not by our doing at all. It's not a family name, not a name that ever had any meaning for us before, nothing. It was given to us. We were not going to originally find out if we were having a boy or a girl, but under the circumstances had decided to. Without having much amniotic fluid, it was very hard for the technicians to get a good look at our baby. But one day, one moment, he was in just the right position and they snapped a picture. A boy. Our son. I cried when we found out we were having a little boy. I had had several dreams about giving birth to a girl, but for some reason I just knew that I was having a boy. I just knew...

I have a dear friend I met online shortly after Sam was born. Someone introduced me to her blog, because she lost her beautiful twin boys only 3 days after we lost Sam. Her blog was so comforting to me during those first few months (and continues to be) because her and my feelings were almost exactly the same during that time! AND she just found out recently that she is expecting again as well! I feel like I have known her forever when it's only been about 9 months and am so thankful for her friendship. She gives status updates every week on her pregnancy, and gave me permission to use her outline so I can update my friends. Hope you enjoy it!! How Far Along: 20 weeks and 3 days! Size of baby: Length of a banana and weighs 14oz! Sleep: I'm still pretty comfortable at night, but have been having a LOT of dreams that I remember, and most are not pleasant. It can make me feel like I have been awake all night :-/ Total Weight Gain: Around 10 lbs....but baby is almost one ...

I sometimes look back at my life and wonder how in the world did I make it through? I think everyone does that from time to time. College, for instance, is one that I don't know how I did it. It was a real struggle for me. I had some good times, but I used to dread going back every semester...having absolutely no idea (and no confidence) in my ability to complete what lay ahead. But looking back at things in life like this can also be very comforting. The more I face, the more confident I become in being able to handle anything that comes my way. And having God in my life now has definitely made life indescribably happier and more peaceful. I want to share with you a journal entry I made on this day last year. We had found out 3 days prior that Sam was unlikely to survive long after birth. Reading it I think, "Wow, who is that person?" Because this time around I have been tending to fall back on my worries and let anxiety take over. But then I read this. And I find my...

Tonight was this guy's first night in obedience class: Duke He's cute, huh? You know those kids in public that run around screaming and acting out and you sometimes just look at the tired parent and feel bad for them? That was me tonight. I had the worst behaved pup in the bunch. And you know why? I'll give you a hint...he has been trained before. This has been his trainer for the last 2 years: Mopsie That's right, my 80lb black lab has been beaten into submission by my 8lb toy poodle. If only I had the control over him that she does. And this is why we're in class. Tonight, we were introduced to the "clicker". Whenever Duke does something we want him to, we give him a treat, and click this little button. Thankfully, our trainer says that 2 year old labs are the most rewarding to train. In her words, "He's like a college student who is paying for their own schooling. He is VERY motivated to learn." Let's hope he paid for a...

One year ago tonight I was laying down to sleep with excitement of the day to come. It was a Sunday night, I didn't have work the next day, and I was going to get to see my little bean for the first time since our 8 week ultrasound. Little did I know that the appointment I had so long waited for would result in spending the entirety of the following week on my pullout couch, unable to get up other than to drag myself to the bathroom. The first few days within finding out that our baby had kidney and heart failure were not pretty. I woke up every morning thinking that it had just been a bad dream and things were back to normal, only to be met with the horrible realization that I was living in that bad dream. I remember calling my parents to tell them how the ultrasound went. They were waiting just as eagerly as we were to see a picture of our little one. They had plans to come visit us for Christmas that year already, because travel with a tiny baby would be difficult for us. Th...

It's of course been on my mind lately what it will be like to have a little girl. Pink, bows, Barbie dolls. A little mini-me. :-O A mini-me? Oy. I can only hope that for the first baby we bring home, I would get one more with Jamey's personality than mine. Because I was a serious handful, and oh boy do I know it. I remember doing most of it! Of course my parents have already wished for me to have one just like me so I know just what it was like to raise me...but please, oh please, NO. And then there are those teenage years. Yes, I'm getting ahead of myself, but still....it's coming ;-) And if we have more than one girl, oh man. We're done for! Thankfully, my sisters and I get along now, but that was not always the case. Most people think that little boys are all rough and tumble and little girls are all hugs and kisses and love. Ha! But it was fun. And I can only pray that my children grow up to know the kind of love that I had in my family. Of course, we w...

Our baby girl has been given the green light by the doctors. We can now proceed with a 'normal' pregnancy. Whewwww! Have you ever felt like you were holding your breath for a ridiculously long period of time but didn't realize it until you could breath again? That's what it's been like for us. 19 weeks is a long time to hold your breath, we should be entered into the Guinness Book of World Records! I think every pregnancy from this point on will cause at least some anxiety for us in the future. We really have no idea if what caused Sam's illness is genetic. I have had many say, "But since this one is fine, that means it's not genetic then, right?" Oh, how I wish that were true. But what it simply means is that IF it is heritable...this girl did not get it. But we can only focus on today, God has the rest taken care of! I cannot wait to bring this bundle of pink home. Our girl On another note, why do weekends have to end? Sometimes I prolon...

We reached the 19 week mark today! Almost halfway there. Time is crawling....and at the same time it's racing. It has been so different since Sam died. I feel like it's been 10 years and at the same time I remember the details of his birth as if it were yesterday. Our girl is the size of a mango this week. I have been feeling her move for a few weeks now, but finally I am starting to feel real kicks. And Jamey has been able to feel them as well! I am really looking forward to the day that I can watch my tummy move independently :) As far as pregnancy symptoms, the worst one I have is restless leg syndrome. Not fun at all. 20 minutes of laying in bed moving my legs every night before I go to sleep. Oh, and I'm allergic to my kids. No joke. I have a skin reaction to being pregnant, same place, same itchiness as I had just one year ago! Baby Girl Sam This rash went away about a week after Sam was born, and came back about 6 weeks into this pregnancy. I...

This summer, Jamey and I went to a Love and Respect Conference hosted by our church. While there, we listened to Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and his wife, Sarah, as they discussed the keys to having a long-lasting and successful marriage. During his talk, Dr. Eggerichs used an illustration that I think about often: before we are married, we are all cubes. We all have rough edges. Our spouses are there to balance us out, sand down those rough edges. I believe I am a dodecahedron. ;-)  Little did Jamey know when he married me that he was getting into this. LOTS of rough edges. And how does he sand them down? By being himself. I honestly think we couldn't be any more opposite than we are...and it's great . I almost said perfect, but we are not a perfect couple. I get wound up about the smallest things, and Jamey? Jamey lets most everything slide off his shoulders. Case in point. Tonight, our shower rod broke as Jamey was stepping into the shower. The rod is suspended from the ce...

Have you ever missed someone so much that you would do anything to see them just one more time? Have you ever missed someone that you only met for a short while? I do, every day. It's strange though, missing someone you barely met, you never had a conversation with, you only saw his face for an hour. We are told on a pretty regular basis how inspirational we are to have gone through what we have been. And I smile, and say thank you, and mean it :) However, I'm not really sure how else we should have handled it. I almost feel guilty sometimes saying thank you...because none of these people come home with me. Not that I'm hiding anything at all, but sometimes I handle things in the worst of ways. I don't even want to think about where things would have gone had we not given our lives to Christ just one year before Sam was born. This could have been so very ugly. But you know the poem, 'Footprints'? Oh yes, I have definitely been carried. I kept a journal to ...

Most of the day today I was thinking about the types of things you might like to hear about from me. If you have any suggestions, please, don't be shy, I'd love to hear from you too! But for now, I'll let you in on what's been going on in my head. This weekend during church, our pastor asked, "What fills your barrel?" And it's been consuming me. What fills my barrel? Okay...what barrel? What is this crazy woman talking about? Let me explain :) Imagine your life as an open empty barrel with a hole in the bottom. You have things in your life that fill you up, energize you, make you happy; and you have things that drain you, make you tired, cause anxiety. You MUST have more things that fill your barrel than empties, our you will burn out. So...what fills your barrel? I have my list, so here's a little bit more information for you to get to know me better. 1. Movie/tv marathons with my husband. I LOVE to sit on my butt all day long and stare at th...

This is something I've never done before. Posting my thoughts out there for the public to read. Sure, I'm all too comfortable with the usual social media outlets (cough cough *Facebook junkie*), but to share like this? Nope, never. So please be patient :) I'm learning. First things first. Maybe you'd like to get to know me a little better. I love getting to know other people so much that my husband has to literally drag me out of church every weekend or I would stay there later than the staff. I'm 25, yet life at times has felt like I should be a lot older. I have an AMAZING husband, and am so grateful to God that He chose him for me. We were married in October of 2010, 5 months after I graduated from college. He's an engineer, I do research. Makes for some pretty interesting (or nerdy) conversations. We got pregnant with our first in September of 2011. I was absolutely thrilled to become a mother! You know that 20 week appointment where you find out the...