Kaila Mugford

Eleven months. How can such a short span of life seem so long? Before my birthday last year, I felt like I had been 24 for my entire life. The wait for Sam to be born lasted an eternity, yet it felt like the blink of an eye. I felt like I had lived one hundred years that year. To say I miss Sam just doesn't seem appropriate. That phrase doesn't go as deep as the wound in my heart does. I want to hold him one more time and just kiss him all over. I feel like I barely kissed him when he was here, and I want to make up for it. I miss all the milestones we never got to have with him. He'd be trying to stand on his own by now, he'd have the most incredibly chunky legs, and he'd be playing with us. Maybe he'd even be talking a little bit by now. I'll never know who he was like. Whether he'd have Jamey's laugh or my temper. I will never seem him go to kindergarten, graduate high school, get married, have children of his own. People mourn when their ch...

We had an appointment today. It was short and sweet, saw baby girl for a short while but didn't get any pictures. The only issue we have is she is breech right now but otherwise she looks perfect. My doctor said, "So how are you feeling?" "Really good," has been my go-to response. And it's not a lie. I feel fine, apart from the usual aches and pains of pregnancy. Just as she stands up to leave she asks again, but in a different way. This time, I have to think about it, and as the tears well up, she sits down. I do not have any worries about the health of this little one. I know physically she's fine. She'll cry when she's born, she'll open her eyes, she'll be hungry. I do not have any serious worries whether we'll be good parents or not...I know we'll be fine. But I miss them. I miss them both, Sam and baby girl. It might sound weird, but I missed Sam long before he was born and died. I wrote to him as if he were alread...

I don't feel well. And after Sam was born, I told everyone I would be super happy all the time if God ever saw fit to make me a mother again. Well...I guess I lied. Overall I have been happy, I feel blessed and thankful. I just don't feel well. I go to bed tired, I wake up tired, I feel like I could cry for pretty much anything. I've been mean to Jamey, and have stopped spending as much time with friends. And it's just because I'm not feeling well. I hope this gets better soon...because if I don't like being around me cranky, I know no one else will either. Cranky or not, here's my update :) How Far Along: 29 weeks and 3 days Size of baby: About 4lbs & 17in long Sleep: I have been dreaming a lot. Just about anything, but it makes me feel like I'm really awake. Surprisingly the most comfortable position for me to sleep in is on my back...which I've read is really not the best. But as much as I try to sleep on my sides, I always seem...

We are still dealing with insurance issues for Sam's medical bills. Still. I just don't understand. This should be pretty straight forward-he was born, he was checked over, he died. All in one hour. So why are bills still being decided? And it's not for lack of very helpful representatives with my insurance company or with the billing institution. I just believe that many have just as hard of a time sorting through the junk that comes on an "itemized statement" as I do. Why can't they just say, "Gave a shot," "Checked vitals," "Asked a question."? All I see on these bills are, "Contractual write off," "Refund," "Hospital, laboratory." Oh, and that refund? Yeah, it was requested by a 3rd party who works with my insurance company. The money was just given back to this company, and tacked onto my bill. And guess what else happens on a fairly regular basis? The insurance company ALSO comes back fo...

I had been waiting for today for almost 2 years. Jamey and I started trying to get pregnant May 2011, and found out we were pregnant with Sam in September of that year. And I just couldn't wait for the shower and all the fun cute things that went with it. But we ended up not being able to have a shower. We hadn't even bought anything by the time we found out that Sam would not be with us for very long, and the last thing I wanted was a room full of baby things with no baby to use them. We had a 'Life Celebration' party for Sam I think almost exactly this time last year. It was so much fun...it was almost hard to believe it was for a baby who wasn't going to live. Instead of strollers and diapers, we asked for inspirational items and received the most beautiful angel figurines, baby blankets, and books to read to Sam while he was still growing. I couldn't help but think about that day last year during our shower today. It was so beautiful, and my in-laws di...

I have an admission that I'm not very proud of. While I was pregnant with Sam, and after he was born, I wanted nothing to do with other pregnant women. Absolutely nothing. Or newborns. I had a frustration and an anger that I didn't know how to deal with when I was around other people who had what seemed like perfect families with perfectly healthy babies. And it was all taken for granted. And you know what? It still hurts. I still have a hard time with ultrasound pictures, pregnancy pictures, new baby pictures, that pop up on my newsfeed. I am so incredibly happy for these parents, please don't get me wrong. But I'm happy from a distance. It doesn't seem to make any sense though does it? We are waiting on our healthy baby girl in the next 10 or so weeks...and I'm still holding onto these painful feelings of not having a baby in my arms while others have multiple children. I don't have the bitterness that I used to. Just an extreme sadness for wh...

What an amazingly beautiful day. I don't think anything could possibly put me in a bad mood when I can open my windows for awhile and let the fresh air and rays of sun pour in. And what a perfect day to take in a message from our lead pastor. What would your last day on earth be like? What would people at your funeral say about you? We are currently doing a series titled "YOLO" (you only live once). Because you do only live once, what are you doing with that life? What will your legacy say about you? Is it what God has intended for you? Our pastor gave a list of the most important parts of life: faith, family, friends, etc...and asked us. What would people say about your faith? Were you a good family member? A good friend? One thing that struck me in particular was in reference to a section in Andy Stanley's book: When Work and Family Collide: Keeping Your Job from Cheating Your Family. In it, is a parable to be used as an imaging tool, and it really went dee...

My computer is up and running! What would I do without my husband? I feel like I'm getting a little stale. I have had little to write about in the last couple weeks-mostly because I've had very little time to think.  At work I run around all day going from this to that with barely enough time for lunch (or a thought) in between, and then when I come home I numb my brain with television and crocheting. It's been disappointing really. I enjoy sitting down with a good book, or reading thought-provoking articles, or scripture. I enjoy learning, I really do. But lately I haven't been taking the time to really teach myself anything new, nor have I had the inclination to do so. This has been making me feel disconnected lately, and I just don't know how I feel about it. I've had several people ask me lately what it is that I'm passionate about, and really the only thing I can come up with at this point in time is being a mother. I want to be the best kind of m...

So, just an fyi I just wrote an entire post. And it deleted itself. So I'm sitting here frustrated and debating whether or not to repost...maybe just some highlights ;-) My computer is broken right now. Jamey told me that somehow I managed to unplug my power plug from the motherboard. He thinks I dropped it, but I didn't...this time. This poor thing has survived that along with spilled water and who knows what else. He said it's really impressive that I didn't damage anything else with what happened. He calls it luck. I call it talent. So, he took my entire computer apart tonight and put it back together. It took him about 2 and a half hours. I sat down to turn it on (and it powered up!), but my screen was black. I see Jamey type a few keys and go "Oh man, really?" He thinks he forgot to plug the monitor cable back in, and he was only checking for the light to blink that it would take a charge when putting it back together. Yep, the charge light is impor...

I had one of the most stressful weeks this week. I ended up in tears not once but twice at work and with all the gloomy weather, my phone was malfunctioning, the air pressure in my tires got low again along with several other unfortunate events...I felt like the world was crashing in on me. Jamey had to listen to me after work pretty much every day complain about this or that. When I'm unhappy, I'm pretty miserable to be around. But thankfully, the week started on an upward climb yesterday and now it's the weekend! Jamey and I will be resting...something that I've heard enough times to do by now that I guess maybe we should try it.  How Far Along: 26 weeks! Size of baby: About the size of a head of lettuce Sleep: I slept better this week, even woke up in time for work today without an alarm (it never went off) and felt pretty good! Total Weight Gain: I think about 12 pounds. Baby weighs 2 pounds for sure now. Symptoms: Heartburn, weight gain, but much l...