Kaila Mugford

This is going to sound SO dramatic (because it is), but that doesn't mean it's not true: ob appointments literally drain the life from me. I hate going. I hate sitting in that room and waiting for the doc. Today I thought we might get a good look at baby, and maybe, just maybe, be able to tell the gender. It was a long shot but I was holding out hope. Instead we got a doppler, a 2 second scan after they couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler, and a full body exam. I'll spare you the details. But, instead of the hopeful feelings that I had going into the appointment, I came out feeling drained. Baby is just fine as far as they can tell. They can't tell a whole lot though, because the ultrasound technology is too old. I really like my new doctor, I do. She's funny, and nice, and she HAS let us have extra ultrasounds just for our peace of mind. But, I realized today, that her ultrasound machine just isn't specific enough to tell us much of anything,...

My today has been hard. It feels like my yesterday. My yesterday was filled with holding a sweet baby boy in my arms, smelling him, kissing him, loving him. I don't think I once told him I loved him, but he knew it. My yesterday was filled with a second pregnancy with a healthy girl, living on an adrenaline rush, waiting for my rainbow baby, smelling her, kissing her, loving her. I tell her every day I love her. My today has been an edgy one. 10 weeks pregnant. No adrenaline rush. I know what it's like now for my love to grow as my daughter grows. Feel her kisses on my cheek. See her smile, hear her laugh. There's no other feeling. And my heart hurts knowing that it's possible (just bear with me) that I may or may not get the same opportunity with this one. I said bear with me. I'm not depressed. I haven't given up on God. I'm not any less positive than I usually am. I'm not expecting the worst. I'm having a moment. Please let me have it....

Wow, I have blogged a total of 16 times this year (compared to 85 the year before). I think it goes without saying that having a toddler takes up just a bit more attention than a non-mobile baby. Quality, over quantity, right? I have very little to say as of late. I'm sure my previous sentence would knock my husband's socks off, hahaha. I usually say that though, and then write a book. I promise, I won't. Unless it would make me some money. Then, I'll write you a nice long book. I'll even put pictures in it ;) I've been sick for the past week. I'm really not good at being sick and being a mommy. Like, really not good. Those super moms who say, "Mom's don't have time to be sick, we still do everything while we're sick"? Yeah, not me. We pretty much just watched Disney movies on the couch the whole time with some pauses to heat up chicken nuggets. Or hot dogs. You know, the healthy stuff. I did manage to give her some applesauce in...

Has there ever been a time where you logged onto Facebook (or any other social media site for that matter), and immediately saw something that set you off? I have. It just happened a few minutes ago, actually. An article popped into my newsfeed on how spanking delays cognitive development. The title was enough to irritate, and the comments...ugh why do I even care to read something people have to say about a subject I already have made my decision on? As if I didn't already have a hard time making parenting decisions, I now am looking at articles that might as well be titled, "Doomed to Screw up Your Child: Why Your Decisions are Always Wrong." I HAVE to let go of my social media addiction. And yes, it's an addiction. It's something that hurts me more than it does anything else for me, and yet I keep going back to it. Does that mean I'm going to be done cold turkey? Never to have an internet presence again? Umm. No. I like sharing the pictures of my family...

I probably seem a little bipolar of sorts going through highs and lows on here, but that's mostly because the times that are happiest (and saddest), I like to share. I don't care for putting on an air of perfection, because I'm not. Tomorrow Jamey and I will be celebrating our 4 year anniversary. Has it really only been 4 years? I feel like we've already lived a lifetime together. And that's a good thing ;-) We didn't really seem to have much of a chance when we first started dating. Eight months after our first date, Jamey moved me in to college in North Carolina and shortly after that, he boarded a plane for Japan. I was told by multiple people in college that it would never last, and we'd be better off ending it early to save heartbreak later. Somehow, we survived that year of saying good morning/good night twice a day, and spent the next summer together. To make a long story short, we did manage to make it through the next 3 years long distance. In...

I have had a lot going on in my head lately. So much so that I haven't even been able to begin to write, mostly because this fullness in my brain has resulted in a fog I can't shake. There are moments of clarity, but that's all they seem to be...moments. Most of what I've been dealing with lately is very personal. I have a lot of anger directed at many people, some of whom have absolutely no idea. I've felt as though boundaries have been crossed, and privacy has been invaded. And yet, for the sake of maintaining "healthy relationships," (or the illusion of them), I've said nothing. People, that is so hard for me. I don't understand those who hold things in. Yes, there is a time and place for conflict, and I think that people who constantly fight with each other are dysfunctional, but I also feel that people who never fight or disagree are just as much so. I also don't understand those who let things go (although I seriously need to wor...

My entire life I was told that when I grew up, I needed to be independent and successful. Like any other kid, I dreamed of being a doctor, a lawyer, or anything of that kind. I even told my Dad once that I planned to start an insurance company because then I'd be really rich. He laughed and said he didn't need to worry about retirement then. It wasn't just my parents who said these things. I know they were just trying to make sure that I believed I could reach any height I aspired to and that anything was possible. The songs of the 90s were riddled with songs of female i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-c-e, women don't need men (period), and any woman who depends on a man is weak. As a result, I grew to be a very strong woman. My husband will tell you that, as well as my parents and sisters. I spent my days in high school going to school board meetings, urging its members to incorporate more advanced courses in our school. I went to one of the top ten schools in the country, and ...