Skip to main content

A moment.

My today has been hard. It feels like my yesterday.

My yesterday was filled with holding a sweet baby boy in my arms, smelling him, kissing him, loving him. I don't think I once told him I loved him, but he knew it.

My yesterday was filled with a second pregnancy with a healthy girl, living on an adrenaline rush, waiting for my rainbow baby, smelling her, kissing her, loving her. I tell her every day I love her.

My today has been an edgy one. 10 weeks pregnant. No adrenaline rush. I know what it's like now for my love to grow as my daughter grows. Feel her kisses on my cheek. See her smile, hear her laugh. There's no other feeling. And my heart hurts knowing that it's possible (just bear with me) that I may or may not get the same opportunity with this one.

I said bear with me.

I'm not depressed. I haven't given up on God. I'm not any less positive than I usually am. I'm not expecting the worst. I'm having a moment.

Please let me have it.

Please let me feel that grief that washes over me every now and again. Please let me cry if I need to. Please don't try to fix it. Please don't tell me to keep my chin up, everything will be okay, don't worry. I know they're all meant to be good, helpful comments, but sometimes they're not.

Especially when I just need my moment.

I'm so excited for this new baby. So happy. I feel so much love for this new life already.

But I'm scared. And that's okay. It doesn't fill my every day. It's not something that stops me from living the life God gave me, with the people I love.

To say I'm not scared, that I don't have anxieties, that I think everything will be perfect. Well, that's just not true. I would be denying healthy and normal emotions that I need to feel in order to cope with what I've been through.

Will you take a moment and say a prayer for us tomorrow? At 12:30pm we have our first ob/gyn appointment and ultrasound. We have already been to a 3D/4D ultrasound place and seen a heartbeat, but this is a "for real" appointment. Please pray that whatever we see on that screen, that we have the peace and strength that is only found with Jesus. We know what it's like to come out of that office and have our lives turned upside down. It's been awhile, though. The old emotions are flooding in, and we're embracing them as they come (the good, the bad, and the ugly).

Comments and prayers are very much appreciated. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Hardest Part

One year ago today I had my very last prenatal checkup. I saw both my maternal-fetal medicine specialist and my ob/gyn. My blood pressure was great. Gabriel was still there and moving. There was no indication that within 24 hours my liver would start to fail. I didn't know that April 13th, 2018 would be the last time I ever saw my baby on an ultrasound. It would be the last time I heard his heartbeat. I didn't know that the next morning a pain would begin. The next day I would meet my sweet little 2-month-old nephew. I wouldn't be able to eat because I just wasn't feeling well. I would stay up late with the pain, sipping water and waiting for it to pass. The next night would be spent in the ER, not knowing we would be meeting Gabriel face to face just 10 hours later. One year ago was the beginning of goodbye to this teeny boy. And I had no idea. Wednesday morning. It's time to get ready to leave. Except it's 3:00am. I keep waking up, worried tha...
2 comments
Read more

A New Way to Celebrate

"But He could have saved my boys.  He could have . I'm so angry He didn't. I'm going to have to work through that with God, and I'm going to need time to do it. This isn't a quick fix, and there is no band-aid big enough to patch this damage. This cut is so deep it's going to take some major reconstructive surgery." I wrote that nearly two years ago. Two years. I wasn't wrong. There has been no quick fix. There was no band-aid. I'm still working through this with God. I still need time. I'll likely be working on this grief until it's my turn to leave this world. What I can  say is the waves have settled a bit; the intensity of the grief not quite so severe. I don't talk about them as much anymore. I no longer desire to go back to the hospital and cradle their cold bodies. We're done having children....even that  thought isn't as painful as it was just a year ago. Sam's birthday is April 30th. Gabriel...
2 comments
Read more

On Not Writing.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash Kaila...why don't you write? I stopped writing, really writing , almost 3 years ago.  Sometimes I share my old posts. Sometimes I just read them on my own, so glad I put words to my feelings at the time.  Sometimes they remind me that the feelings haven't gone away. Last night as I put the kids to bed, Edward said, Mom, I know what I want for Christmas.  What's that, buddy? He paused for a moment. I want a wittle brudder. This isn't the first time he's asked. It likely won't be the last. We're honest with Mira and Edward that we can't have any more kids; and to try would risk my life. There's a bit of confusion just because of their ages, but they're getting to the point where it's really starting to settle in. Mom, can we go get a baby? Like, adopt?  We've walked this thought-road as well, weighing our options. We've weighed every. single. option.  We've considered trying again, rolling the dice...
Post a Comment
Read more