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A moment.

My today has been hard. It feels like my yesterday.

My yesterday was filled with holding a sweet baby boy in my arms, smelling him, kissing him, loving him. I don't think I once told him I loved him, but he knew it.

My yesterday was filled with a second pregnancy with a healthy girl, living on an adrenaline rush, waiting for my rainbow baby, smelling her, kissing her, loving her. I tell her every day I love her.

My today has been an edgy one. 10 weeks pregnant. No adrenaline rush. I know what it's like now for my love to grow as my daughter grows. Feel her kisses on my cheek. See her smile, hear her laugh. There's no other feeling. And my heart hurts knowing that it's possible (just bear with me) that I may or may not get the same opportunity with this one.

I said bear with me.

I'm not depressed. I haven't given up on God. I'm not any less positive than I usually am. I'm not expecting the worst. I'm having a moment.

Please let me have it.

Please let me feel that grief that washes over me every now and again. Please let me cry if I need to. Please don't try to fix it. Please don't tell me to keep my chin up, everything will be okay, don't worry. I know they're all meant to be good, helpful comments, but sometimes they're not.

Especially when I just need my moment.

I'm so excited for this new baby. So happy. I feel so much love for this new life already.

But I'm scared. And that's okay. It doesn't fill my every day. It's not something that stops me from living the life God gave me, with the people I love.

To say I'm not scared, that I don't have anxieties, that I think everything will be perfect. Well, that's just not true. I would be denying healthy and normal emotions that I need to feel in order to cope with what I've been through.

Will you take a moment and say a prayer for us tomorrow? At 12:30pm we have our first ob/gyn appointment and ultrasound. We have already been to a 3D/4D ultrasound place and seen a heartbeat, but this is a "for real" appointment. Please pray that whatever we see on that screen, that we have the peace and strength that is only found with Jesus. We know what it's like to come out of that office and have our lives turned upside down. It's been awhile, though. The old emotions are flooding in, and we're embracing them as they come (the good, the bad, and the ugly).

Comments and prayers are very much appreciated. 

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