My entire life I was told that when I grew up, I needed to be independent and successful. Like any other kid, I dreamed of being a doctor, a lawyer, or anything of that kind. I even told my Dad once that I planned to start an insurance company because then I'd be really rich. He laughed and said he didn't need to worry about retirement then.
It wasn't just my parents who said these things. I know they were just trying to make sure that I believed I could reach any height I aspired to and that anything was possible. The songs of the 90s were riddled with songs of female i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-c-e, women don't need men (period), and any woman who depends on a man is weak. As a result, I grew to be a very strong woman. My husband will tell you that, as well as my parents and sisters.
I spent my days in high school going to school board meetings, urging its members to incorporate more advanced courses in our school. I went to one of the top ten schools in the country, and successfully completed the program with a B.S. in Biology, and a minor in Chemistry. I joined organizations, played golf, and have held a job since I was 15. I had plans to go to medical school and become an OB/GYN.
Part way through my sophomore year of college, however, I hit a wall. I was diagnosed with depression. I joined one-on-one therapy, group therapy, and I was prescribed medication. I cried almost every single day that year, and I remember being on the phone with my mother and boyfriend, begging each of them to come take me home. During the spring semester of that same year, my dad nearly died, and I spent a week in the hospital with him just in case he did. I somehow made it through that year, and after a summer spent with my boyfriend, he dragged me back the next year.
My junior year was a little less hard. I was finally getting the hang of college, and started to enjoy some of the time spent with my peers. But by my senior year I counted the months, weeks, days, even hours before graduation. Somewhere in my junior year, I began to realize that my priorities were not what they once were. I was burned out, and began to worry that joining medical school might be the end of me. Once I start something, I always finish, even if it's to my detriment. I began to discuss my thoughts with my parents, and of course (as any parent would be), they were disappointed. I began to feel like a failure to myself and to my family, and my boyfriend. I just needed some time to think.
My boyfriend proposed to me the winter of my senior year of college, and I can tell you without a doubt that was one of the happiest moments of my life. I couldn't wait to be his wife and be together all the time. For the entirety of our relationship we had been long distance, so we were both excited. Jamey and I got married 5 months after I graduated college. We moved in together in an apartment in Toledo where we had both found jobs, and started settling in. I worked as a research assistant in a lab at the university with fantastic coworkers and a boss who truly cared about the education of those who worked for him...and yet, I was still unhappy.
When Jamey and I started our family, I knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom. At the time, we really couldn't afford it, and after the birth and death of our firstborn son, I had no choice but to return to work. My feelings of wanting to be a stay at home mom were solidified after his birth, and when we got pregnant with Mira, we made it a point to budget and save as much as possible, just in case I was able to achieve my new dream.
When Mira came home, I knew I was never going back. I didn't care if we ate rice and beans for the rest of our lives, I was not going to leave her. I'd already missed out on Sam's life, and was not about to miss out on hers. My feelings were met with a variety of reactions from, "You'll love it! I would never give back my time raising my babies," to, "How could you waste your education like that?"
Of course, my mind mostly paid attention to those negative comments. No matter how many positive things I hear, that one negative thing is what I tend to focus on. I know I'm not the only one who does that, but it's definitely a habit I need (and want to) kick.
I can tell you this: for the majority of my life, I was unhappy. Unhappy with myself, unhappy in my schooling, unhappy in my job. I wanted more than anything to be a wife and stay at home mom to my children, but couldn't get past the comments that I'd only be a waste if I chose that lifestyle. And the push and the stress to be this independent woman, who doesn't need anybody or anything because she can do it all by herself?
It made ME miserable.
I can't do it by myself. I don't want to raise my children alone. And I don't need to hear anyone's comments on how my success is based solely on my ability to generate income. The world's definition of success, however, is very different than what mine has become. Where the world sees a wasted education, I see an educated mother raising her children to problem solve at young ages and explore the world around them. Where the world sees a woman dependent on her husband, I see an amazing father who is willing to sacrifice so that the woman he loves can raise the children they love together. Where the world sees vulnerability in a woman who dares to trust her husband to be the breadwinner, I see a husband and wife who work together, trusting each other, and bringing out the best in one another.
I could function independently if I so chose. But I would be unhappy, and my happiness should not be dependent on your opinion. Therefore, I choose to be independent of the world's approval. <<See what I did there? :D
Now, with that said, many women do very well on their own. They are financially successful, and are able to raise families while doing it. Kudos to you lovely ladies. It just wasn't what worked for me or made me happiest. I do hope one day once my babies are grown to continue my career (it's never too late!)
I pray that whatever Mira chooses to do with her life, she loves, whether it be a stay at home mom, or a career woman. I pray that she knows that I'll love her no matter what she chooses. I pray for the wisdom to raise her to be a responsible, respectable woman who loves others. And I pray that she do everything she does for the glory of a God who loves her more than I do.
But I wouldn't complain if she wanted to own an insurance company too :)
It wasn't just my parents who said these things. I know they were just trying to make sure that I believed I could reach any height I aspired to and that anything was possible. The songs of the 90s were riddled with songs of female i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-c-e, women don't need men (period), and any woman who depends on a man is weak. As a result, I grew to be a very strong woman. My husband will tell you that, as well as my parents and sisters.
I spent my days in high school going to school board meetings, urging its members to incorporate more advanced courses in our school. I went to one of the top ten schools in the country, and successfully completed the program with a B.S. in Biology, and a minor in Chemistry. I joined organizations, played golf, and have held a job since I was 15. I had plans to go to medical school and become an OB/GYN.
Part way through my sophomore year of college, however, I hit a wall. I was diagnosed with depression. I joined one-on-one therapy, group therapy, and I was prescribed medication. I cried almost every single day that year, and I remember being on the phone with my mother and boyfriend, begging each of them to come take me home. During the spring semester of that same year, my dad nearly died, and I spent a week in the hospital with him just in case he did. I somehow made it through that year, and after a summer spent with my boyfriend, he dragged me back the next year.
My junior year was a little less hard. I was finally getting the hang of college, and started to enjoy some of the time spent with my peers. But by my senior year I counted the months, weeks, days, even hours before graduation. Somewhere in my junior year, I began to realize that my priorities were not what they once were. I was burned out, and began to worry that joining medical school might be the end of me. Once I start something, I always finish, even if it's to my detriment. I began to discuss my thoughts with my parents, and of course (as any parent would be), they were disappointed. I began to feel like a failure to myself and to my family, and my boyfriend. I just needed some time to think.
My boyfriend proposed to me the winter of my senior year of college, and I can tell you without a doubt that was one of the happiest moments of my life. I couldn't wait to be his wife and be together all the time. For the entirety of our relationship we had been long distance, so we were both excited. Jamey and I got married 5 months after I graduated college. We moved in together in an apartment in Toledo where we had both found jobs, and started settling in. I worked as a research assistant in a lab at the university with fantastic coworkers and a boss who truly cared about the education of those who worked for him...and yet, I was still unhappy.
When Jamey and I started our family, I knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom. At the time, we really couldn't afford it, and after the birth and death of our firstborn son, I had no choice but to return to work. My feelings of wanting to be a stay at home mom were solidified after his birth, and when we got pregnant with Mira, we made it a point to budget and save as much as possible, just in case I was able to achieve my new dream.
When Mira came home, I knew I was never going back. I didn't care if we ate rice and beans for the rest of our lives, I was not going to leave her. I'd already missed out on Sam's life, and was not about to miss out on hers. My feelings were met with a variety of reactions from, "You'll love it! I would never give back my time raising my babies," to, "How could you waste your education like that?"
Of course, my mind mostly paid attention to those negative comments. No matter how many positive things I hear, that one negative thing is what I tend to focus on. I know I'm not the only one who does that, but it's definitely a habit I need (and want to) kick.
I can tell you this: for the majority of my life, I was unhappy. Unhappy with myself, unhappy in my schooling, unhappy in my job. I wanted more than anything to be a wife and stay at home mom to my children, but couldn't get past the comments that I'd only be a waste if I chose that lifestyle. And the push and the stress to be this independent woman, who doesn't need anybody or anything because she can do it all by herself?
It made ME miserable.
I can't do it by myself. I don't want to raise my children alone. And I don't need to hear anyone's comments on how my success is based solely on my ability to generate income. The world's definition of success, however, is very different than what mine has become. Where the world sees a wasted education, I see an educated mother raising her children to problem solve at young ages and explore the world around them. Where the world sees a woman dependent on her husband, I see an amazing father who is willing to sacrifice so that the woman he loves can raise the children they love together. Where the world sees vulnerability in a woman who dares to trust her husband to be the breadwinner, I see a husband and wife who work together, trusting each other, and bringing out the best in one another.
I could function independently if I so chose. But I would be unhappy, and my happiness should not be dependent on your opinion. Therefore, I choose to be independent of the world's approval. <<See what I did there? :D
Now, with that said, many women do very well on their own. They are financially successful, and are able to raise families while doing it. Kudos to you lovely ladies. It just wasn't what worked for me or made me happiest. I do hope one day once my babies are grown to continue my career (it's never too late!)
I pray that whatever Mira chooses to do with her life, she loves, whether it be a stay at home mom, or a career woman. I pray that she knows that I'll love her no matter what she chooses. I pray for the wisdom to raise her to be a responsible, respectable woman who loves others. And I pray that she do everything she does for the glory of a God who loves her more than I do.
But I wouldn't complain if she wanted to own an insurance company too :)
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