I have had a lot going on in my head lately. So much so that I haven't even been able to begin to write, mostly because this fullness in my brain has resulted in a fog I can't shake. There are moments of clarity, but that's all they seem to be...moments.
Most of what I've been dealing with lately is very personal. I have a lot of anger directed at many people, some of whom have absolutely no idea. I've felt as though boundaries have been crossed, and privacy has been invaded. And yet, for the sake of maintaining "healthy relationships," (or the illusion of them), I've said nothing.
People, that is so hard for me.
I don't understand those who hold things in. Yes, there is a time and place for conflict, and I think that people who constantly fight with each other are dysfunctional, but I also feel that people who never fight or disagree are just as much so.
I also don't understand those who let things go (although I seriously need to work on this one). My husband is a shining example of passiveness, and although it makes for a really easy person to get along with, they are oftentimes take advantage of by those of us who are on the opposite end of the spectrum.
So, I can't let go of things, and I can't bottle them in. I'm just a ray of sunshine to be around when I'm upset ;-)
Growing up, we'd get mad, we'd have an argument, we'd go cool off in separate corners, and then we'd come back and make up. All within a matter of hours, or sometimes even minutes. I'm used to that kind of resolve, even if it was an "agree to disagree" kind of moment. Grudges were pretty much nonexistent.
But lately, as I spend time with those who have no idea how to have a healthy argument, I find myself in uncharted territory. I don't know how to approach another person who snorts at me when I speak, openly disrespects me when there's any sort of disagreement, or flat out ignores me. I'm in such shock when I'm faced with those who care more about the appearance of healthy relationships than actually cultivating them, even if it means there are periods of discomfort. And as I continue in these dysfunctional relationships, I find myself withdrawing.
With this withdrawal, I'm unsuccessfully bottling my emotions, and they're coming out at the worst of times. My intense dislike for certain individuals has been eating at me, and I have to say I don't really care for the person I'm becoming when it comes to them. And unfortunately as the saying goes...I'm drowning myself with poison and hoping it will kill my enemies.
No, I don't wish for another person's death. However, a bitterness has been growing within that I know if I don't nip it or work on it now, it will take over certain relationships and they'll be destroyed beyond repair. If I make every effort to make things right, to behave appropriately, respectfully, and lovingly, and things still don't work out, at least I can walk away knowing I gave it my best. I'm in charge of the way I feel, and I need to choose joy. Negativity, hatred, disrespect....they all kill joy, and I cannot let them take charge (as I currently feel them creeping in).
With all that said, I'm so grateful for the Perfect example given to me in choosing joy in the midst of dysfunctional relationships. Without Jesus, I wouldn't even know where to begin. Twelve men pledged their lives to Him, and yet when it came down to it, one betrayed Him and another denied Him. Yet...He loved them. Loved all of them. He loves me too, even though each hateful thought I harbor denies His presence and persistence in my life. I may not be perfect, but Jesus lived perfection. His example shines a light for those of us who at times get lost and need to find a way back.
When I am weak, He is strong. And I am most certainly weak. May His strength see me through these difficult relationships and His love shine through me so that others may see Him.
I have heard things like, "Wow, that is very Christian of you," when I discuss my very personal feelings, anger, and dislike for others at times. And they're right for calling me out, but very wrong in thinking that my anger makes me less of a Christian. If good things, good deeds, good emotions, good thoughts, good feelings, good (anything) made me a Christian, I can stand before you and say I'd be one of the first in Hell. I'm a fairly "good" person, but that does not make me a Christian (and thank the good Lord for that). What makes me a Christian is my repentance of those deeds which are not so good, not so positive, and my acceptance of the forgiveness and grace that has been extended to me through Jesus.
If you have some time, please say a prayer for me and the resolution of the dysfunctional relationships I am part of. And if you'd like, feel free to send me a message so I can pray for you if there are any in your life as well. Sometimes that's all we can do.
Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. --Matthew 7:7
Most of what I've been dealing with lately is very personal. I have a lot of anger directed at many people, some of whom have absolutely no idea. I've felt as though boundaries have been crossed, and privacy has been invaded. And yet, for the sake of maintaining "healthy relationships," (or the illusion of them), I've said nothing.
People, that is so hard for me.
I don't understand those who hold things in. Yes, there is a time and place for conflict, and I think that people who constantly fight with each other are dysfunctional, but I also feel that people who never fight or disagree are just as much so.
I also don't understand those who let things go (although I seriously need to work on this one). My husband is a shining example of passiveness, and although it makes for a really easy person to get along with, they are oftentimes take advantage of by those of us who are on the opposite end of the spectrum.
So, I can't let go of things, and I can't bottle them in. I'm just a ray of sunshine to be around when I'm upset ;-)
Growing up, we'd get mad, we'd have an argument, we'd go cool off in separate corners, and then we'd come back and make up. All within a matter of hours, or sometimes even minutes. I'm used to that kind of resolve, even if it was an "agree to disagree" kind of moment. Grudges were pretty much nonexistent.
But lately, as I spend time with those who have no idea how to have a healthy argument, I find myself in uncharted territory. I don't know how to approach another person who snorts at me when I speak, openly disrespects me when there's any sort of disagreement, or flat out ignores me. I'm in such shock when I'm faced with those who care more about the appearance of healthy relationships than actually cultivating them, even if it means there are periods of discomfort. And as I continue in these dysfunctional relationships, I find myself withdrawing.
With this withdrawal, I'm unsuccessfully bottling my emotions, and they're coming out at the worst of times. My intense dislike for certain individuals has been eating at me, and I have to say I don't really care for the person I'm becoming when it comes to them. And unfortunately as the saying goes...I'm drowning myself with poison and hoping it will kill my enemies.
No, I don't wish for another person's death. However, a bitterness has been growing within that I know if I don't nip it or work on it now, it will take over certain relationships and they'll be destroyed beyond repair. If I make every effort to make things right, to behave appropriately, respectfully, and lovingly, and things still don't work out, at least I can walk away knowing I gave it my best. I'm in charge of the way I feel, and I need to choose joy. Negativity, hatred, disrespect....they all kill joy, and I cannot let them take charge (as I currently feel them creeping in).
With all that said, I'm so grateful for the Perfect example given to me in choosing joy in the midst of dysfunctional relationships. Without Jesus, I wouldn't even know where to begin. Twelve men pledged their lives to Him, and yet when it came down to it, one betrayed Him and another denied Him. Yet...He loved them. Loved all of them. He loves me too, even though each hateful thought I harbor denies His presence and persistence in my life. I may not be perfect, but Jesus lived perfection. His example shines a light for those of us who at times get lost and need to find a way back.
When I am weak, He is strong. And I am most certainly weak. May His strength see me through these difficult relationships and His love shine through me so that others may see Him.
I have heard things like, "Wow, that is very Christian of you," when I discuss my very personal feelings, anger, and dislike for others at times. And they're right for calling me out, but very wrong in thinking that my anger makes me less of a Christian. If good things, good deeds, good emotions, good thoughts, good feelings, good (anything) made me a Christian, I can stand before you and say I'd be one of the first in Hell. I'm a fairly "good" person, but that does not make me a Christian (and thank the good Lord for that). What makes me a Christian is my repentance of those deeds which are not so good, not so positive, and my acceptance of the forgiveness and grace that has been extended to me through Jesus.
If you have some time, please say a prayer for me and the resolution of the dysfunctional relationships I am part of. And if you'd like, feel free to send me a message so I can pray for you if there are any in your life as well. Sometimes that's all we can do.
Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. --Matthew 7:7
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