I'm sitting here and I'm just staring.
I don't even know where to start. Where? Gabriel's birth? My feelings now? Everything in between?
3 weeks ago I was still in the middle of processing his diagnosis. I was still planning his birth. I was still working on coordinating our calendar to see genetic counselors and neonatologists.
I had to cancel those appointments the week after he was born. I guess we don't really need to see all of you anymore.
We still will see a genetic counselor soon. We have many questions that need answered. Tests that need run. Fears still to face. This isn't over. Much of this has really only just begun. All the while processing a grief that runs deeper than I could have ever imagined.
I hate to write this as a to be continued kind of thing, but there is SO much to tell. So many wonderful things about Gabriel's birth. And so many awful, horrible things. I don't even know if I'll be able to put words to some of what we went through. I want to though. I'm going to try. This is how I process.
I'll start with April 13th. We had two regular appointments scheduled with my OB and Maternal Fetal Medicine in the afternoon. Edward had an eye doctor appointment that morning, so I took him. I was trying to get all of our checkups taken care of before Gabriel was born just so I wouldn't need to worry about them right after.
For some reason, I decided to make an extra appointment at Stork 4D Imaging after Edward's visit. I knew we wouldn't get normal 3D images of Gabriel, but I wanted to try. I was hoping to get something because we were heading to my parents' the next day for a party and I wanted to share new pictures. I love the owner, Becky. She had told us earlier on in our pregnancy that we could come in any time we wanted to make as many happy memories with Gabriel as we could. I'm so glad we went in for that appointment. We hadn't been there in almost 2 months. Little did we know that would be the second to last time we would see him moving on the screen. His little hand up in front of his face, mouth opening and closing. We smiled and chatted through the whole session as the kids played.
That afternoon we went to see my OB and MFM. We saw Gabriel once again, but this time it was focused on diagnostics. We saw his little kidneys, still filled with cysts. Looked at his brain, his heart, his stomach. We were just so happy to have another chance to hear his heartbeat. They measured my belly, took my weight, blood pressure, and urine.
Everything was normal. I was perfectly healthy.
The next morning we got up and got ready to head to my parents' for a day trip, just over 2 hours away. We hadn't left our area since Gabriel's diagnosis 3 months before but everything was looking good and we thought we would be just fine for the day. I was so excited when we first woke up, because I felt some real baby kicks. 30 weeks, 4 days pregnant and I hadn't felt real kicks until then. I grabbed Jamey's hand and put it on my belly. Feel that? I asked. He was still half asleep but opened his eyes and smiled. Yes I do. Gabriel gave his Daddy his first little kick the day before he was born.
Heartburn was bad that morning, and I couldn't drink enough water on the ride over. I felt like I had a lump of food sitting at the base of my throat. I always have heartburn in my 3rd trimester and always end up needing Zantac. I hadn't started it yet in this pregnancy, so while we were at my parents' Jamey went out and bought me some, along with Maalox. I decided that I'd start taking it that night before bed.
The party was sweet. I met my nephew Abel for the first time, and I spent the entire day snuggling that sweet chubby boy. He took a good long nap on my belly, arms draped over the sides, hugging his baby cousin. People came and went, congratulating my sister and her husband on Abel's birth and giving me hugs and kisses saying how sorry they were that we were facing this yet again. I was so happy for my sister and all the cute clothes and baby gifts she opened that day, I really was. I loved kissing and cuddling baby Abel.
But as she opened clothes and toys, I opened Willow Figurines and crosses. I opened Scripture verses and sympathy cards. I loved every single thing I received, celebrating the life of my own sweet boy. I just wished I could have opened clothes too.
The entire day people asked me if they could grab me something to eat or drink, but I kept having to say no. The heartburn was just too awful and I needed to wait it out. The party ended, people started going home, and Jamey and I made a last minute decision to stay the night and leave early in the morning. We'd be fine staying a few hours more.
Jamey and I stayed up late talking with my Dad about all things politics. It always gets a little heated, but it's how we are. It's crazy, but I love it. I was so uncomfortable with this horrible heartburn that I just stayed up talking and talking, until we finally needed to say goodnight.
I had a moment with my Dad before he went to bed where he told me just how sad, mad, and sorry he was that this was happening to us again. I don't see him cry often, but when he did that night, I hugged him and told him I felt all those things too. It's so awful and so healing to see someone cry for you like that. Especially when it's your Dad.
Jamey and I headed downstairs to go to sleep. I told Jamey I was hurting too much from the pain to sleep laying down so I needed a recliner.
It wasn't until I sat still that I realized just how much I hurt. I don't know how I'd held off that long, but as I lay in the recliner, I knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. I felt like someone was stabbing a knife into the base of my sternum that went through my back and radiated out across my shoulder blades.
Jamey, I need to call my OB and just ask if this is a nasty case of heartburn.
Poor guy. He was so tired. Fine. But I'm sure you're just having bad back pain from sitting in a hard chair all day he said. I so wish he'd been right.
I called my OB and told him my symptoms. You're out of town?! That does NOT sound like heartburn. You may be having a heart issue. You need to head to the ER right away.
I relayed the message to Jamey and he groaned. Please. I'm really in THAT much pain. I wish I were kidding.
We went upstairs and let my Mom know where we were going and why. Mira was asleep next to her. We should be in and out, they just want to check and we don't want to take any chances, I'd said. She asked us to keep her updated throughout the night.
We got to the ER around midnight. Someone had just passed away in a room next to ours, the family outside a crying mess. Someone on the opposite side was vomiting so loudly it could be heard a mile away. Please, God, don't let us catch the stomach flu here. We've already had it twice this spring. My biggest concern. The stomach flu. Ha.
The ER ran a series of tests. My blood pressure was high but they said with the pain I was feeling, that could just be a normal pain response for me. They ran an EKG. Abdominal CT. They ruled out a heart attack and blood clot in my lungs. They mentioned something about my gal bladder. I hoped that maybe it was just that and they'd give me something to calm it down, worst case need surgery to have it removed. The last thing on my mind was this was pregnancy-related.
Have you ever had any pregnancy complications?
Me, personally? No. I've always been healthy. With the exception that two of my babies have been very sick, I have had normal pregnancies. They gave me Tylenol for the chest pain, took labs and a urine sample. Routine stuff, but they were sure we would be sent home soon with a diagnosis of esophagitis.
Cool. Bad heart burn. The ER bill is going to suck, but I'm glad it's nothing more. At that point it was around 5am. Jamey had been sitting in a wooden chair for nearly 5 hours, and I had been in so much pain I'd gotten maybe 30minutes of sleep. The Tylenol kicked in around 4am. My blood pressure lowered and the doctors told me that was because I wasn't feeling such pain anymore. Awesome. Please send me home so we can get some sleep.
I texted my Mom. "All is good, we are just waiting on these last labs and we'll head home."
"Okay, you guys can sleep when you get here," she responded. I so looked forward to sleeping in a normal bed.
The ER doc opened our door. Hey, some of your labs are looking abnormal and there is protein in your urine. We are consulting with the OB emergency department across town right now to see if they'd like to see you over there. She left to answer the phone.
What does that mean? Abnormal labs? I'm pregnant. How abnormal could they be? What's odd about them?
The doc came back in. Your liver enzymes are high and with the protein and high blood pressure, they've recommended that you head over. We need to transport you via ambulance.
Ummm....no. I am much too cheap for that. It's a 5 minute car ride to that hospital, my husband can take me thank you very much. I'm not paying $1000 for you to take me to another place and hold me hostage just because you want to cover yourselves. I have an OB team back home, I'm not even from here. You don't even know what's going on with us. We'll head home right now and follow up with our team. I'm feeling much better, thank you.
No I'm sorry, she said. We cannot let you leave here without an ambulance. If you have a seizure on the way over, your husband will not be able to help you. You're not stable enough to leave on your own. They should be here very soon to transport you, we already made the call.
My first (and hopefully last) ambulance ride. I smiled and chatted the whole way. I had no idea why they said I could have a seizure, but I figured it really was just them being overly cautious.
They weren't.
I don't even know where to start. Where? Gabriel's birth? My feelings now? Everything in between?
3 weeks ago I was still in the middle of processing his diagnosis. I was still planning his birth. I was still working on coordinating our calendar to see genetic counselors and neonatologists.
I had to cancel those appointments the week after he was born. I guess we don't really need to see all of you anymore.
We still will see a genetic counselor soon. We have many questions that need answered. Tests that need run. Fears still to face. This isn't over. Much of this has really only just begun. All the while processing a grief that runs deeper than I could have ever imagined.
I hate to write this as a to be continued kind of thing, but there is SO much to tell. So many wonderful things about Gabriel's birth. And so many awful, horrible things. I don't even know if I'll be able to put words to some of what we went through. I want to though. I'm going to try. This is how I process.
I'll start with April 13th. We had two regular appointments scheduled with my OB and Maternal Fetal Medicine in the afternoon. Edward had an eye doctor appointment that morning, so I took him. I was trying to get all of our checkups taken care of before Gabriel was born just so I wouldn't need to worry about them right after.
For some reason, I decided to make an extra appointment at Stork 4D Imaging after Edward's visit. I knew we wouldn't get normal 3D images of Gabriel, but I wanted to try. I was hoping to get something because we were heading to my parents' the next day for a party and I wanted to share new pictures. I love the owner, Becky. She had told us earlier on in our pregnancy that we could come in any time we wanted to make as many happy memories with Gabriel as we could. I'm so glad we went in for that appointment. We hadn't been there in almost 2 months. Little did we know that would be the second to last time we would see him moving on the screen. His little hand up in front of his face, mouth opening and closing. We smiled and chatted through the whole session as the kids played.
That afternoon we went to see my OB and MFM. We saw Gabriel once again, but this time it was focused on diagnostics. We saw his little kidneys, still filled with cysts. Looked at his brain, his heart, his stomach. We were just so happy to have another chance to hear his heartbeat. They measured my belly, took my weight, blood pressure, and urine.
Everything was normal. I was perfectly healthy.
The next morning we got up and got ready to head to my parents' for a day trip, just over 2 hours away. We hadn't left our area since Gabriel's diagnosis 3 months before but everything was looking good and we thought we would be just fine for the day. I was so excited when we first woke up, because I felt some real baby kicks. 30 weeks, 4 days pregnant and I hadn't felt real kicks until then. I grabbed Jamey's hand and put it on my belly. Feel that? I asked. He was still half asleep but opened his eyes and smiled. Yes I do. Gabriel gave his Daddy his first little kick the day before he was born.
Heartburn was bad that morning, and I couldn't drink enough water on the ride over. I felt like I had a lump of food sitting at the base of my throat. I always have heartburn in my 3rd trimester and always end up needing Zantac. I hadn't started it yet in this pregnancy, so while we were at my parents' Jamey went out and bought me some, along with Maalox. I decided that I'd start taking it that night before bed.
The party was sweet. I met my nephew Abel for the first time, and I spent the entire day snuggling that sweet chubby boy. He took a good long nap on my belly, arms draped over the sides, hugging his baby cousin. People came and went, congratulating my sister and her husband on Abel's birth and giving me hugs and kisses saying how sorry they were that we were facing this yet again. I was so happy for my sister and all the cute clothes and baby gifts she opened that day, I really was. I loved kissing and cuddling baby Abel.
But as she opened clothes and toys, I opened Willow Figurines and crosses. I opened Scripture verses and sympathy cards. I loved every single thing I received, celebrating the life of my own sweet boy. I just wished I could have opened clothes too.
The entire day people asked me if they could grab me something to eat or drink, but I kept having to say no. The heartburn was just too awful and I needed to wait it out. The party ended, people started going home, and Jamey and I made a last minute decision to stay the night and leave early in the morning. We'd be fine staying a few hours more.
Jamey and I stayed up late talking with my Dad about all things politics. It always gets a little heated, but it's how we are. It's crazy, but I love it. I was so uncomfortable with this horrible heartburn that I just stayed up talking and talking, until we finally needed to say goodnight.
I had a moment with my Dad before he went to bed where he told me just how sad, mad, and sorry he was that this was happening to us again. I don't see him cry often, but when he did that night, I hugged him and told him I felt all those things too. It's so awful and so healing to see someone cry for you like that. Especially when it's your Dad.
Jamey and I headed downstairs to go to sleep. I told Jamey I was hurting too much from the pain to sleep laying down so I needed a recliner.
It wasn't until I sat still that I realized just how much I hurt. I don't know how I'd held off that long, but as I lay in the recliner, I knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. I felt like someone was stabbing a knife into the base of my sternum that went through my back and radiated out across my shoulder blades.
Jamey, I need to call my OB and just ask if this is a nasty case of heartburn.
Poor guy. He was so tired. Fine. But I'm sure you're just having bad back pain from sitting in a hard chair all day he said. I so wish he'd been right.
I called my OB and told him my symptoms. You're out of town?! That does NOT sound like heartburn. You may be having a heart issue. You need to head to the ER right away.
I relayed the message to Jamey and he groaned. Please. I'm really in THAT much pain. I wish I were kidding.
We went upstairs and let my Mom know where we were going and why. Mira was asleep next to her. We should be in and out, they just want to check and we don't want to take any chances, I'd said. She asked us to keep her updated throughout the night.
We got to the ER around midnight. Someone had just passed away in a room next to ours, the family outside a crying mess. Someone on the opposite side was vomiting so loudly it could be heard a mile away. Please, God, don't let us catch the stomach flu here. We've already had it twice this spring. My biggest concern. The stomach flu. Ha.
The ER ran a series of tests. My blood pressure was high but they said with the pain I was feeling, that could just be a normal pain response for me. They ran an EKG. Abdominal CT. They ruled out a heart attack and blood clot in my lungs. They mentioned something about my gal bladder. I hoped that maybe it was just that and they'd give me something to calm it down, worst case need surgery to have it removed. The last thing on my mind was this was pregnancy-related.
Have you ever had any pregnancy complications?
Me, personally? No. I've always been healthy. With the exception that two of my babies have been very sick, I have had normal pregnancies. They gave me Tylenol for the chest pain, took labs and a urine sample. Routine stuff, but they were sure we would be sent home soon with a diagnosis of esophagitis.
Cool. Bad heart burn. The ER bill is going to suck, but I'm glad it's nothing more. At that point it was around 5am. Jamey had been sitting in a wooden chair for nearly 5 hours, and I had been in so much pain I'd gotten maybe 30minutes of sleep. The Tylenol kicked in around 4am. My blood pressure lowered and the doctors told me that was because I wasn't feeling such pain anymore. Awesome. Please send me home so we can get some sleep.
I texted my Mom. "All is good, we are just waiting on these last labs and we'll head home."
"Okay, you guys can sleep when you get here," she responded. I so looked forward to sleeping in a normal bed.
The ER doc opened our door. Hey, some of your labs are looking abnormal and there is protein in your urine. We are consulting with the OB emergency department across town right now to see if they'd like to see you over there. She left to answer the phone.
What does that mean? Abnormal labs? I'm pregnant. How abnormal could they be? What's odd about them?
The doc came back in. Your liver enzymes are high and with the protein and high blood pressure, they've recommended that you head over. We need to transport you via ambulance.
Ummm....no. I am much too cheap for that. It's a 5 minute car ride to that hospital, my husband can take me thank you very much. I'm not paying $1000 for you to take me to another place and hold me hostage just because you want to cover yourselves. I have an OB team back home, I'm not even from here. You don't even know what's going on with us. We'll head home right now and follow up with our team. I'm feeling much better, thank you.
No I'm sorry, she said. We cannot let you leave here without an ambulance. If you have a seizure on the way over, your husband will not be able to help you. You're not stable enough to leave on your own. They should be here very soon to transport you, we already made the call.
My first (and hopefully last) ambulance ride. I smiled and chatted the whole way. I had no idea why they said I could have a seizure, but I figured it really was just them being overly cautious.
They weren't.
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