If you've been following along with me for a little while, you'd know that my next post about Gabriel's life is about his birth. Meeting him for the first time, holding him as he slowly slipped away. I've already written about the time leading up to that here and here.
The truth is, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that once I write his story, it'll be over. That's all I'll ever have to say about my son. No new updates, no new pictures. I remember when it was 'over' for Sam. I shared my last picture ever of my boy, and that was it.
Sharing your baby's last picture is hard.
I have many many pictures of Gabriel, and I'm well aware that I don't have to share them. I want to though. Just like I share pictures of our other babies, I want to share Gabriel's life. Each time I post one however, it's one new photo for the world to see, and one less photo of the limited collection I have to post of my beautiful boy. I'm not even sure if it make sense to be sad about that, but it does to me.
I have this same feeling with his life. I'm so excited to write about him, and I'm terrified that once it's done, it's done.
No one will care anymore.
Now I know that's not true. It just feels that way. I feel so ridiculous sometimes about how hard it is for me right now to think about things like updating my Facebook profile picture. The one I have up is my very favorite, and I'm afraid that by changing it somehow it will erase a part of him...a part of me. Just change the picture, Kaila, you can always change it back. I know. It's weird. It seems so simple. Just do it.
There are no more 'just do it's for me anymore.
Every little thing I do right now is heavy. Will I change my profile picture? What if it means I've forgotten him? Will I bring him up in conversation today? Ugh I'm so tired of hearing my own words. Why can't I be grateful for the two I have and move forward? Why am I so stuck in this sadness? Why is this so intense? Why am I grieving for THIS long?
And I forget. It's only been 5 weeks. I've woken up each morning for the last 33 days without Gabriel. I just stopped producing milk last week. I can still count the days from when he died.
It feels like decades.
I have to remind myself 'it's only been' whenever the thoughts of 'it's been long enough' creep in. And of course it hasn't been 'long enough.' Honestly...it will never be 'long enough.'
Twice I've sat and held my baby in my arms as a doctor has listened for a heartbeat. Twice I've watched them close their eyes and say, time of death...
Twice I've kissed cold skin and cried that they needed blankets. Twice I've asked for my son to be taken out of the refrigerator so I can hold him just one more time.
Twice I've felt the helplessness of handing my son to a funeral director and watched them walk away with his body. Forever.
Twice I've had this story to tell.
But this is the first time I've been this afraid to tell it. I will soon, I promise. He was just too sweet not to share. I just really wish I could write "is" instead of "was."
The truth is, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that once I write his story, it'll be over. That's all I'll ever have to say about my son. No new updates, no new pictures. I remember when it was 'over' for Sam. I shared my last picture ever of my boy, and that was it.
Sharing your baby's last picture is hard.
I have many many pictures of Gabriel, and I'm well aware that I don't have to share them. I want to though. Just like I share pictures of our other babies, I want to share Gabriel's life. Each time I post one however, it's one new photo for the world to see, and one less photo of the limited collection I have to post of my beautiful boy. I'm not even sure if it make sense to be sad about that, but it does to me.
I have this same feeling with his life. I'm so excited to write about him, and I'm terrified that once it's done, it's done.
No one will care anymore.
Now I know that's not true. It just feels that way. I feel so ridiculous sometimes about how hard it is for me right now to think about things like updating my Facebook profile picture. The one I have up is my very favorite, and I'm afraid that by changing it somehow it will erase a part of him...a part of me. Just change the picture, Kaila, you can always change it back. I know. It's weird. It seems so simple. Just do it.
There are no more 'just do it's for me anymore.
Every little thing I do right now is heavy. Will I change my profile picture? What if it means I've forgotten him? Will I bring him up in conversation today? Ugh I'm so tired of hearing my own words. Why can't I be grateful for the two I have and move forward? Why am I so stuck in this sadness? Why is this so intense? Why am I grieving for THIS long?
And I forget. It's only been 5 weeks. I've woken up each morning for the last 33 days without Gabriel. I just stopped producing milk last week. I can still count the days from when he died.
It feels like decades.
I have to remind myself 'it's only been' whenever the thoughts of 'it's been long enough' creep in. And of course it hasn't been 'long enough.' Honestly...it will never be 'long enough.'
Twice I've sat and held my baby in my arms as a doctor has listened for a heartbeat. Twice I've watched them close their eyes and say, time of death...
Twice I've kissed cold skin and cried that they needed blankets. Twice I've asked for my son to be taken out of the refrigerator so I can hold him just one more time.
Twice I've felt the helplessness of handing my son to a funeral director and watched them walk away with his body. Forever.
Twice I've had this story to tell.
But this is the first time I've been this afraid to tell it. I will soon, I promise. He was just too sweet not to share. I just really wish I could write "is" instead of "was."
First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. Losing a baby is SO difficult. My husband and I recently lost a baby girl in March, born at 34 weeks and passed 13 days later. I go to church with your husbands Aunt and she gave me the link to your blog. We also have 2 older boys ages 4 & 9. So like you, we are also dealing with them processing everything. It has been quite the journey so far. So many mixed emotions, grief is a crazy thing. Just when you think your doing better, Bam! Everything comes back again. I have been making connections with other women who have lost babies. It is amazing how you feel comfortable talking with them or just emailing them, even complete strangers, because you know that they know exactly how you feel. Each woman I meet or I know has lost a baby has stayed on my mind. So I will be thinking of you. Sending thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteOh I am so sorry to hear about your baby girl. Yes, it is always such a comfort to find other mommas who know how you feel. Yes, the emotions (and hormones) are all over the place! Thinking of you too sweet momma <3
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