One Month

One month in Heaven. Sweet baby boy, I miss you so.

I can't say happy one month, because it's been anything but happy for me.

We have so few memories, but those we do have...I miss everything about you.

I miss that little left leg that went from kicking me on the inside to kicking the air over on that table.

I miss those little dark eyebrows that shot straight up when you tried to open your eyes.

I miss the little man nose that you and your brothers all share.

I miss the sweet little smile we first saw via ultrasound, and then again when Daddy tickled your foot in the OR.

I miss your tiny fingers, your tiny toes, your black hair, and your sweet little lips.

I kissed you over and over and over.

I whispered to you it was okay to go. It wasn't okay. Not at all. But that wasn't either of our choice.

I miss changing your outfit and putting on your little hat. I miss that tiny polka dot diaper secured with a safety pin.

I miss showing you off to the friends and family who got to meet you. Look at my son, isn't he perfect?

I miss your nurses who came in and cooed at you. They weren't afraid. Hi sweet baby boy, you want to go to momma? They spoke like you could hear them.

You couldn't, but I could.

I miss you with every breath of every single day. So much that it hurts. The pain in my chest that took me to the hospital where you were born? It comes back each time I write.

It won't always be this way. One day my mind will not come to you as often.

But this pain will be here forever. It will not fade. It did not for your brother, and it won't for you either.

I wish I could feel better knowing where you are. Yes, you're in Heaven. You're dancing with Jesus. I do believe that.

But you're supposed to be here with me.

Your trip to Heaven was supposed to come after my own.

You should be here my sweet Gabriel. I love you.

One month. <3

Face to face for the first time.