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What I see

Why me? Why us?

A huge question. A hard question. One that I ask often. 

This Monday, however, I asked it in a different way. As I journaled, I did write out those difficult questions. Why did Sam die? Why do we have to do this again with Gabriel? And then I felt the need to write even more questions...

Why did God bless me with two loving parents? Who struggled with alcoholism for over a decade and are now both nearly to a decade of sobriety? Why did He give them back to me?

Why did God bless me with this marriage? One that nearly ended just 2 short years ago but has been since redeemed, healthier, and happier today x1000?

Why has God blessed me with 4 beautiful babies?

Why has He blessed us financially here in Illinois, a tough state to find financial success?

Why has God blessed me with healthy, loving relationships with both of my beautiful sisters?

Why do I have not just one, but a multitude of wonderful friendships free from judgment and drama and instead filled with life-giving joy and love?

Why has God gifted me with a tremendous amount of resources to help raise healthy children?

So many more 'good' whys than bad.


Don't get me wrong- my life is not perfect.

But that's not the goal.

To receive and see the perfect gifts that have been given to me in this very imperfect world.

That is.

I see life in this picture. Not only in the ultrasound photos of our newest sweet baby boy, but in the life we're living every day. I see Scripture cards with memory verses lovingly put together by my Bible study mentors. I see beautiful artwork done by my toddler artists. I see inspirational magnets picked out especially for me by a thoughtful friend back in Ohio. I see a meal plan drawn out by my loving husband. And I see ABC magnets scattered everywhere, given to my babies from one of my favorite people in this world. I could see mess. I could see scattered. I could cringe. But I don't see or do any of those things. 

I see perfection.



I see growth in this picture. I see a tiny miracle baby prayed for so hard, turning into a little girl. I see she got her momma's feet with the middle toe longer than her big toe, and her baby toe curled in. I see crumbs on the floor from a day with play doh and snacks. I see a baby. I'm going to blink and those feet will touch the floor and the play doh will be gone. But today her feet dangle.

I see perfection.


I see love in this picture. A strand of overly bright Christmas lights hung by a loving Daddy to soothe his fearful 4 year old. I see Minnie Mouse bedding and blankets given by loving grandparents. I see her little hand reaching for mine, and the words I just love you so much, Mommy, coming out of her mouth. I see an air mattress next to her bed, with a 7 month pregnant momma sleeping next to her and her brother as they get over the stomach flu. I could remember how this awful bug attacked our whole family over break. I could think about how uncomfortable that air mattress was. But I won't. I'll remember how she reached out for me.

I see perfection.

Friends, we have received more news regarding the genetics of this disease that has affected our two beautiful baby boys. This news was unexpected and has very real possible implications for our living children. We were expecting this newest round of testing to give us answers and close this chapter for us, but unfortunately it has blown open several doors and we have many more questions that now need answered. We will share more when we can, but at this point we just need prayers that we and our doctors are able to get clarity on this disease and how/if other family members may be affected. 

It's no surprise to me that Mira's current favorite song is "Fear is a Liar" by Zach Williams. She asks me to turn it up every time it comes on the radio. This is a beautiful song, right Mommy? She asks every single time. 

Right, baby. Fear is most definitely a liar. We will not let it rob us of our joy.

Or stop us from seeing perfection.

Comments

  1. UnknownApril 4, 2018 at 9:20 PM

    So you can tell me to go away after I say this, but one time I was asking a bunch of questions to my very religious mother in law when I was upset and angry. My last line was "I have a LOT of questions for God when I get up there!" She calmly said to me: "When you get to heaven you will have no questions, they will already be answered." Which took me a long time to digest but that's all she said. I was like what? Whatever. But in the days after when my hurt and anger subsided it became clearer to me what she meant. It meant to me that we will experience such a peace of being with the Lord God himself, that all we will care about is that. All our earthly problems will be no more. And I know that may be of no peace to you right now at all, but I know once I chewed on it for a while it made more sense. Kaila,your strength and perseverance and faith inspire me every day. You are an incredible woman and mommy!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kaila MugfordApril 4, 2018 at 9:38 PM

      Thank you so much for sharing that. It does bring me so much peace- that is beautiful!!

      Delete
  2. Tiffan DensicApril 5, 2018 at 11:30 AM

    That is simply beautiful what you wrote. Every single word.

    ReplyDelete

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