One Word.

Today has felt odd and I can only sum up my emotions in one word:

Split.

Split between two boys in heaven. Split between two children in heaven and two on earth. My heart doesn't seem to be able to hold everything I feel right now. 

The hormones don't help.

I just gave birth two weeks ago to a perfect little boy who couldn't come home. We said our final goodbyes yesterday at the most beautiful funeral service done by our church. Surrounded by friends and family.

I woke up yesterday morning with signs of an incision infection. Thankfully the day before, I didn't feel right and went to be seen by my OB, asking for antibiotics. I wanted to avoid at all costs the need to be in the hospital for his funeral. They seem to finally be taking effect today, but yesterday was pretty painful and tiring. 

I was very sick in the hospital just two weeks ago, so any symptoms I've had lately have caused suspicion. I go to bed every night talking to Jamey about what to do if something happens to me. We've spent too much time Googling all of the things that could go wrong from complications. I sound like a hypochondriac every time we talk. I feel dramatic. 

I know I'm not though. 

I feel a little disjointed in my writing right now, so please hang with me as I try to make sense of all that's happened. Please don't be shy when you see me to ask questions you may have. I forget who I've spoken to. I don't know who knows what. So go ahead and ask, it's okay.

Today my heart hurts mostly for Gabriel. Two weeks ago he was in my arms. Two weeks ago we watched him lie on my chest as his heart slowed and stopped beating. The memories are still very fresh of stroking his head, his feet, his hands. So many kisses. 

And today I've felt guilty.

Because every time this year I write posts about his big brother Sam. I write about what I miss most about him, about our time with him. I sit and go through Sam's things. I share his story. I look at his pictures. I'm not doing that right now. I want to but I'm tired. I watched the 44 second video of his only cries this afternoon to see if I was even still sad because I wasn't sure. My heart is so broken for Gabriel, I wondered if it was still also broken for Sam.

It is. 

I could barely even get through it. It hurts even more now, knowing that two of them are gone. Two of them sit on a shelf together in little boxes. Two of my babies will never physically need me again. 

I miss my 6lb 5oz chubby baby boy. The one who made me a Momma. The first one to have THAT nose all our boys share. 

6 years ago I was in a hospital bed waiting for him to make his appearance. Dreading and anticipating his arrival. Being so happy when he was placed in my arms and feeling such pain when he was gone. Hating leaving that hospital without him. Feeling like the worst momma for letting people take him from me. Hurting with the thought that I'd abandoned his little body, letting him sit in a fridge for a week awaiting cremation.

My sweet little Sam. Here and then gone. 

We always go to the zoo or to a museum (depending on weather) on his birthday. April 30th. This year we cannot go because I'm still pretty limited in what I'm able to do, healing from this c-section. We do have plans to go out on a little date, just Jamey and me, and I am really looking forward to it. 

But I'm still split. Glad we will be able to get out. Sad we have to do all of this again.

I keep saying I can't wait to write about Gabriel. I've already filled a notebook with my memories of our time with him. I really am looking forward to sharing his life. But I can't today. Probably not tomorrow either. Today and tomorrow I want to think about his big brother, remembering our time with him. 

I miss them both. More than I can describe. 

Happy almost-birthday, sweet Sam. Momma loves you.