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Not today.

I am so grateful to read my own writing just 5 days ago and be reminded of the beauty of each day.

Because today is not one of those days. Today I am tired. I'm worn. My mind hurts.

I smile and shake my head when I share with those in person about what our current issues are because I just cannot believe the twists and turns this journey with Gabriel has taken us on. It doesn't seem real. Believe it or not, the newest news we've received is even harder than what I've shared thus far.

I'm hurting. I can't even explain it other than I feel heavy. I'm having one of those days.

One of those weeks.

30 weeks pregnant today. I wish I could be excited. I wish I could take a glowing picture. Three fourths of the way done! In the home stretch! But I haven't showered. I haven't even brushed my hair. 

I'm devastated. And I look it. I feel everything so deeply today...this week. Everything hurts.

I have terrible heartburn. Every time I close my eyes, the nightmares come. The nightmares themselves don't even entirely make sense, but I've woken myself up from crying so hard in them. Sleep is not an escape for me, but it's all I want to do.

I'm doing too much. I can feel it. But I don't want to stop, because I'm desperate for 'normal'. Normal moms are tired. Normal moms sigh when their kids ask for just one more snack. 

I get up to get those snacks...but I feel like I'm dragging lead weights behind me every time I move.

And my sweet husband. I know he's tired. You can see it in his face; hear it in his voice. I want to do so much more for him. I feel like more often than not when he walks through the door after work, I say, "I'm sorry." 

And he doesn't fault me. He rolls up his sleeves, picks up his babies, and starts making food. He makes sure we all get to the table to eat together. He makes sure we all make it to church on the weekends. He makes sure I don't have too much to worry about other than the basic needs of the kids on any given day.

God has taught me so much about grace by giving me this amazing husband. 

Today is not a good day. Not the celebratory day I envisioned when we first announced this pregnancy. I can't even look at the "30 weeks pregnant" updates on pregnancy apps. 

Because Gabriel isn't doing "practice breathing."

I can't do kick counts. 

I barely feel him. 

30 weeks and Jamey hasn't been able to feel his newest son move. 

That's sad. And I just need to sit in this sadness for today. I have to process it. I hate that this all needs to be done. It takes so much energy that I simply do not have.

I am so grateful for the good days. They carry me through days like today. Reading through my good days gives me so much hope that there are more to come. And come they will.

They just aren't today.

30 weeks.


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