I really don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life, but I'm afraid I might.
I'll be perfectly fine for days, maybe even weeks, and then it just seems to hit me out of nowhere. Something huge is missing from my life. I feel homesick even though I'm home.
Jamey and I packed a bag tonight for when we go up to the hospital. We read through the lists of suggestions from other moms, mostly of what to bring for baby. Only because we don't know what we'll need for her. We bought two outfits for Sam, bathed him once, and he only wore one diaper. I know the hospital has most of the stuff we'll need, but I like to bring a little extra.
As much fun as it is to pack a coming home outfit, it's equally sad for us. I asked Jamey if any of this made him sad and he said, "yes, it does."
I don't want the happy moments in my life to be overshadowed by this sadness that we have for Sam. Although I don't ever want to forget him in any way, I wish these incredibly happy moments be only that...happy. I don't like this hole in my heart, this sinking feeling that I'm missing or forgetting something. I want to preserve Sam's memory without this indescribable sadness.
Most people have funny and happy memories with loved ones who've passed away to mix in with the sad. And although we did have plenty of happy moments when we were pregnant with Sam, I really don't feel like we started to get attached or felt like becoming parents was real until we were told he would never be coming home with us. Almost all of our memories that surround Sam include tears. He never talked to us, told jokes, anything. So I don't have those things to miss or remember with a smile.
This is so very hard. It's even hard to just describe.
"Aren't you just SO excited?!?" they ask.
Mhmm. We are very excited. So excited that it takes everything not to cry about it sometimes. Except I feel like I've cried all my tears. I've cried all my tears and yet I need some more to do the crying I feel like I need to do now. They're just not there.
I can't wait to be holding our baby girl in my arms, but I'm afraid that I'm just too exhausted to be taking care of a little one right now. It's scary really to think how drained I am at the moment...and I'm constantly being reminded that my exhaustion now is nothing compared to what I will be feeling in the months to come.
But, I think it's possible that for us there will be a sense of relief when she's actually here. That we'll be tired of course, but we'll be on cloud nine because the next time we drive away from that hospital, our baby will be in the car with us. I'm really hoping that is the case...and that the rain clouds will recede even for a short while so we can enjoy the sunshine.
I'll be perfectly fine for days, maybe even weeks, and then it just seems to hit me out of nowhere. Something huge is missing from my life. I feel homesick even though I'm home.
Jamey and I packed a bag tonight for when we go up to the hospital. We read through the lists of suggestions from other moms, mostly of what to bring for baby. Only because we don't know what we'll need for her. We bought two outfits for Sam, bathed him once, and he only wore one diaper. I know the hospital has most of the stuff we'll need, but I like to bring a little extra.
As much fun as it is to pack a coming home outfit, it's equally sad for us. I asked Jamey if any of this made him sad and he said, "yes, it does."
I don't want the happy moments in my life to be overshadowed by this sadness that we have for Sam. Although I don't ever want to forget him in any way, I wish these incredibly happy moments be only that...happy. I don't like this hole in my heart, this sinking feeling that I'm missing or forgetting something. I want to preserve Sam's memory without this indescribable sadness.
Most people have funny and happy memories with loved ones who've passed away to mix in with the sad. And although we did have plenty of happy moments when we were pregnant with Sam, I really don't feel like we started to get attached or felt like becoming parents was real until we were told he would never be coming home with us. Almost all of our memories that surround Sam include tears. He never talked to us, told jokes, anything. So I don't have those things to miss or remember with a smile.
This is so very hard. It's even hard to just describe.
"Aren't you just SO excited?!?" they ask.
Mhmm. We are very excited. So excited that it takes everything not to cry about it sometimes. Except I feel like I've cried all my tears. I've cried all my tears and yet I need some more to do the crying I feel like I need to do now. They're just not there.
I can't wait to be holding our baby girl in my arms, but I'm afraid that I'm just too exhausted to be taking care of a little one right now. It's scary really to think how drained I am at the moment...and I'm constantly being reminded that my exhaustion now is nothing compared to what I will be feeling in the months to come.
But, I think it's possible that for us there will be a sense of relief when she's actually here. That we'll be tired of course, but we'll be on cloud nine because the next time we drive away from that hospital, our baby will be in the car with us. I'm really hoping that is the case...and that the rain clouds will recede even for a short while so we can enjoy the sunshine.
Kaila, the exhaustion that is to come isn't something you are going to think about. The exhaustion you have now is because of the hormones and having another human being living off your system. Totally different. When you bring your baby home and you fall into a routine with her, it'll all come together. Hormones will level out and all will be good with your little family. The exhaustion of carrying a baby is different and doesn't last forever. You're almost there kiddo. Just a little bit longer :)
ReplyDeleteKaila, I just read your post for She Reads Truth and immediately came over here to read more. I just want to thank you - thank you for sharing your testimony of love and grace and hope and trust. Your faith is shining, even through the rain clouds, and it is filling my soul with the reminder of hope and the incredible healing power of God. Your family will be in my prayers! You're in God's hands... Here comes the sun :)
ReplyDeleteThank you! It has been very healing to write everything out. Thank you so much for your prayers. We have an appointment today for this little girl's measurements and are so excited to see her again. God is great :)
DeleteYes, like the sweet lady above, I hopped over to your blog after reading your testimony on SRT. I'm praying for you and yours and that you don't feel so exhausted when you come home with your little one. May your strength be renewed like the eagles. Amen!
ReplyDeleteI am praying for strength also, and to be the mother God wants me to be. Thank you so much for your prayers!
DeleteI also connected to your blog through SRT. Thank you for continuing to share your testimony and your feelings. I will be praying for you and your family. I wish you love, peace, and blessings.
ReplyDeleteI also connected to your blog through SRT. Thank you for continuing to share your testimony and your feelings. I will be praying for you and your family. I wish you love, peace, and blessings.
ReplyDeleteThese comments were such a wonderful way to start my week, thank you for your well-wishes. I feel so blessed to have had this opportunity to write and share our testimony. Thank you for your prayers!
DeleteI also immediately came to your blog after reading your testimony on She Reads Truth. Know that during this time which can seem to be exhausting, exciting, and scary- you have a Kingdom of people praying over you! Take time to really REST in His arms, be in His presence, and bask in His glory. He's a Father of such peace, love, and joy. He wants to continually lavish you. I am praying over you, your family, and your delivery. God really does make all things work together for His good; the power of your testimony is a witness to just that!
ReplyDeleteThank you for these reminders Debbie! I feel like God just laid Himself over me last year while I was pregnant with Sam, and I need to remember to trust Him with this one as well!
DeleteHi Kaila! Found your blog through SRT and Diana Stone. My niece was born on Wednesday and passed about 4 hours later. Your testimony hit really close to home. Thank you for sharing. I am continually amazed at the strength my brother and sister in law have had since they got the news at their gender ultrasound and then carried little Rosalie to term. I wish you all the best with your little girl!
ReplyDeleteJenny I am so sorry to hear about your niece passing. Carrying to term was the best and only choice for us. As much as I didn't want to carry him all the way only to lose him, I can't imagine not having met Sam and held him for the hours I did. He was such a gift, and I'll treasure that time for the rest of my life, as I'm sure your brother and sister in law will do as well with their daughter. My prayers go out to your family!
DeleteHi Kaila! Found your blog through SRT and Diana Stone. My niece was born on Wednesday and passed about 4 hours later. Your testimony hit really close to home. Thank you for sharing. I am continually amazed at the strength my brother and sister in law have had since they got the news at their gender ultrasound and then carried little Rosalie to term. I wish you all the best with your little girl!
ReplyDeleteHi Kaila! Found your blog through SRT and Diana Stone. My niece was born on Wednesday and passed about 4 hours later. Your testimony hit really close to home. Thank you for sharing. I am continually amazed at the strength my brother and sister in law have had since they got the news at their gender ultrasound and then carried little Rosalie to term. I wish you all the best with your little girl!
ReplyDeleteThanks you so much for sharing your story with the SRT community. Your story is inspiring and encouraging in very deep ways. Thanks you also for enabling us to pray with you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your prayers! We feel every one. I am so blessed to be able to share our testimony.
DeleteHi Kaila! I can so relate to where you are right now. My husband and I found out at 12 weeks that our daughter Layla would not survive once she was born. Like you all, we decided to carry as long as we could and she was stillborn at 32 1/2 weeks, on December 23rd, 2011. I became pregnant again a few months later and our daughter Ellie was born on December 28th, 2012. It is so strange to feel so much joy and excitement along with so much sorrow. I was worried about the same things before Ellie was born-that the happy moments with this child would be overshadowed by pain from missing the child we lost. I can tell you that the sad days do still come, but God has been SO faithful to give us such joy with Ellie. He has allowed us to be fully present with her which I am so thankful for. He will do the same for you. I have talked to her a little bit about Layla (even though she is just a few months old I want to share with her) and I cry, but it is good to tell her about her sister. Be gentle with yourself as you are dealing with a flurry of emotions that no one should ever have to endure. I will be praying that the Lord overwhelms you with peace and that you and your husband are able to fully enjoy your sweet girl when she is here.
ReplyDeleteKristina
http://alabaster-jars.blogspot.com/
Thank you for your sweet message Kristina! This gives me so much hope and excitement! I LOVE that you talk to Ellie about Layla...I am definitely going to make a point to talk about Sam to this little girl :) We are so excited and can't believe that the time is almost here to meet our daughter. I can't wait for her to open her eyes and see us for the first time...that's something that always bothered me that Sam never opened his eyes. Thank you for your comforting words!
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