Our baby pineapple

How Far Along: 31 weeks!

Size of baby: About 4lbs & 17in long

Sleep: Pregnancy dreams are crazy! A few nights ago I had an incredibly vivid dream of being on a rocket going into space (and thinking to myself, "my doctor wouldn't approve this..."), and last night I dreamed I was being chased by a family of vampires and the only way to defeat them was to put stickers on them! I have no idea where my brain comes up with this stuff...

Total Weight Gain: I haven't checked in a couple weeks but so far it's been 20lbs.

Symptoms: Swelling...and major heartburn. I have to sleep propped up for the most part, and the swelling is no fun at all. I have numbness in my fingers and pain in my feet because of this. Probably my least favorite symptom so far.

Movement: She moves quite a bit now and gets the hiccups often!

Maternity Clothes: I'm even getting big for some of my maternity clothes, but I have to make these last...I don't want to spend any more money on them!

Go-to eats: I can't get enough fruit. Or Jimmy Johns. Mmmm.

Best moment of the week: I was laying in bed yesterday morning and put my hand on my tummy because she was moving around so much. She stuck her ENTIRE foot up into the palm of my hand, it freaked me out because it was so big! Sam never did that, so that was a first for me :)

Gender: We're having a little girl!

What I wish people knew: I really don't need advice unless I ask for it. I'd rather not be told about how horrible parenthood is going to be...especially after everything we've done to bring this baby home. I don't especially enjoy my weight being commented on (yes I know I'm pregnant, but still it's no fun putting on 20lbs), and I don't need anyone guessing about my feelings about Sam...or judging me for them. I've had people say I should write a book on what not to say to a woman who has been through what I have, but honestly I wish I couldn't and that people would use common sense.

What I’m looking forward to: We are getting closer and closer to meeting our daughter. My parents will be visiting this weekend and we haven't seen them in 2 months! It will be so nice showing them the nursery :)

Comments

The Hardest Part

One year ago today I had my very last prenatal checkup. I saw both my maternal-fetal medicine specialist and my ob/gyn. My blood pressure was great. Gabriel was still there and moving. There was no indication that within 24 hours my liver would start to fail. I didn't know that April 13th, 2018 would be the last time I ever saw my baby on an ultrasound. It would be the last time I heard his heartbeat. I didn't know that the next morning a pain would begin. The next day I would meet my sweet little 2-month-old nephew. I wouldn't be able to eat because I just wasn't feeling well. I would stay up late with the pain, sipping water and waiting for it to pass. The next night would be spent in the ER, not knowing we would be meeting Gabriel face to face just 10 hours later. One year ago was the beginning of goodbye to this teeny boy. And I had no idea. Wednesday morning. It's time to get ready to leave. Except it's 3:00am. I keep waking up, worried tha...

A New Way to Celebrate

"But He could have saved my boys. He could have . I'm so angry He didn't. I'm going to have to work through that with God, and I'm going to need time to do it. This isn't a quick fix, and there is no band-aid big enough to patch this damage. This cut is so deep it's going to take some major reconstructive surgery." I wrote that nearly two years ago. Two years. I wasn't wrong. There has been no quick fix. There was no band-aid. I'm still working through this with God. I still need time. I'll likely be working on this grief until it's my turn to leave this world. What I can say is the waves have settled a bit; the intensity of the grief not quite so severe. I don't talk about them as much anymore. I no longer desire to go back to the hospital and cradle their cold bodies. We're done having children....even that thought isn't as painful as it was just a year ago. Sam's birthday is April 30th. Gabriel...

On Not Writing.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash Kaila...why don't you write? I stopped writing, really writing , almost 3 years ago. Sometimes I share my old posts. Sometimes I just read them on my own, so glad I put words to my feelings at the time. Sometimes they remind me that the feelings haven't gone away. Last night as I put the kids to bed, Edward said, Mom, I know what I want for Christmas. What's that, buddy? He paused for a moment. I want a wittle brudder. This isn't the first time he's asked. It likely won't be the last. We're honest with Mira and Edward that we can't have any more kids; and to try would risk my life. There's a bit of confusion just because of their ages, but they're getting to the point where it's really starting to settle in. Mom, can we go get a baby? Like, adopt? We've walked this thought-road as well, weighing our options. We've weighed every. single. option. We've considered trying again, rolling the dice...

Kaila Mugford

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