Sam's birthday is coming up so fast, it's hard to believe. It's hard to believe it's been almost a year. But it's even more difficult for me to believe that it's only been one year.
Jamey and I are in such a weird place right now. We are ecstatic about having a daughter in the next month or so, but this week has just been strange. We've both been feeling off, and we both know why.
We should be planning a 1 year old's birthday party, planning smash cake photos, and working on teaching our baby to walk.
Instead this weekend we are attending a memorial service for children who passed away at the University of Michigan children's hospital. We will be making a windchime in Sam's memory. On his birthday we will be going to the zoo, alone, and then out to dinner at Biaggi's...the place we had dinner from the night after Sam was born. I know we need and will enjoy the time together, but Jamey and I are just tired of this.
Tired of being just us and no baby. Tired of dreaming about what it will be like to have a baby at home.
We went to the hospital last night to get checked out. I was feeling pretty awful all day and was cramping quite a bit. We both knew it wasn't labor, but crossed our fingers and went anyway.
They checked everything they could, gave me some Tylenol for the cramping, and sent us home. So much disappointment. It's upsetting every time we leave the hospital without a baby. As we're getting closer to our due date, I think we are both reminded of what it was like to be this close last time...to go in and come out empty handed.
We have the carseat already in the car, with a bag packed full of clothes.
And I know we've got our hopes up early. We want her to be healthy, but we also just really want her to be here. Every time we hear, "Just be patient, just be patient, she will come when she's ready," we want to shout WE HAVE BEEN WAITING SINCE SEPTEMBER OF 2011 TO BRING HOME A BABY.
I know that everyone who says this means well, and that one month really shouldn't be breaking us this badly. But we've been in a funk, and just need understanding. Unless you've grieved an entire year of missing out on your child's future while awaiting your future with a new baby, it's impossible to completely understand (and believe me, I am very happy that the club we are in is not a big one, I would never want this for anyone).
I said something today for the first time that I didn't know how I'd feel about it when I did. I told someone over the phone while placing an order at work that this was my first baby. I know she doesn't know any different, and this doesn't change anything about how I feel about Sam, but I really didn't like answering, "Mhmm," to her, "Is this your first?"
It hurt. I know Sam is not watching me going, "Wait, what? Didn't you forget someone?" I know he knows why I answered the way I did. But it doesn't stop me from feeling bad...especially this close to his birthday.
We miss him, a lot. And we know that holding this girl in our arms will not erase the pain we feel for Sam. But we just can't wait to feel the same joy we felt one year ago when we finally got to meet our baby. It has been a very LONG road for us. And we are weary.
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
Jamey and I are in such a weird place right now. We are ecstatic about having a daughter in the next month or so, but this week has just been strange. We've both been feeling off, and we both know why.
We should be planning a 1 year old's birthday party, planning smash cake photos, and working on teaching our baby to walk.
Instead this weekend we are attending a memorial service for children who passed away at the University of Michigan children's hospital. We will be making a windchime in Sam's memory. On his birthday we will be going to the zoo, alone, and then out to dinner at Biaggi's...the place we had dinner from the night after Sam was born. I know we need and will enjoy the time together, but Jamey and I are just tired of this.
Tired of being just us and no baby. Tired of dreaming about what it will be like to have a baby at home.
We went to the hospital last night to get checked out. I was feeling pretty awful all day and was cramping quite a bit. We both knew it wasn't labor, but crossed our fingers and went anyway.
They checked everything they could, gave me some Tylenol for the cramping, and sent us home. So much disappointment. It's upsetting every time we leave the hospital without a baby. As we're getting closer to our due date, I think we are both reminded of what it was like to be this close last time...to go in and come out empty handed.
We have the carseat already in the car, with a bag packed full of clothes.
And I know we've got our hopes up early. We want her to be healthy, but we also just really want her to be here. Every time we hear, "Just be patient, just be patient, she will come when she's ready," we want to shout WE HAVE BEEN WAITING SINCE SEPTEMBER OF 2011 TO BRING HOME A BABY.
I know that everyone who says this means well, and that one month really shouldn't be breaking us this badly. But we've been in a funk, and just need understanding. Unless you've grieved an entire year of missing out on your child's future while awaiting your future with a new baby, it's impossible to completely understand (and believe me, I am very happy that the club we are in is not a big one, I would never want this for anyone).
I said something today for the first time that I didn't know how I'd feel about it when I did. I told someone over the phone while placing an order at work that this was my first baby. I know she doesn't know any different, and this doesn't change anything about how I feel about Sam, but I really didn't like answering, "Mhmm," to her, "Is this your first?"
It hurt. I know Sam is not watching me going, "Wait, what? Didn't you forget someone?" I know he knows why I answered the way I did. But it doesn't stop me from feeling bad...especially this close to his birthday.
We miss him, a lot. And we know that holding this girl in our arms will not erase the pain we feel for Sam. But we just can't wait to feel the same joy we felt one year ago when we finally got to meet our baby. It has been a very LONG road for us. And we are weary.
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
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