Kaila Mugford

I have served in youth ministry for a number of years. Last year, I came to a point where I realized that although we will no longer be bringing home any more babies, God has given me more children than I know what to do with. My high schoolers are amazing young people. In a short time I have had the privilege to meet and build relationships with many kids, and I care for each and every one.  One girl in particular was especially close. Mary. Full of spunk and always asking me if I had time to chat after our small group time. Jamey knew that I would never make it back from youth group 'on time' because either she or another girl would share their lives with me and I just loved to listen.  When Gabriel died, Mary pushed me in ways that many adults wouldn't have thought to even try. She constantly challenged my faith and my thinking, sometimes to the point where I would even ask her to just hush for a moment so I could get my thoughts out. She could talk forever, she always m

"But He could have saved my boys.  He could have . I'm so angry He didn't. I'm going to have to work through that with God, and I'm going to need time to do it. This isn't a quick fix, and there is no band-aid big enough to patch this damage. This cut is so deep it's going to take some major reconstructive surgery." I wrote that nearly two years ago. Two years. I wasn't wrong. There has been no quick fix. There was no band-aid. I'm still working through this with God. I still need time. I'll likely be working on this grief until it's my turn to leave this world. What I can  say is the waves have settled a bit; the intensity of the grief not quite so severe. I don't talk about them as much anymore. I no longer desire to go back to the hospital and cradle their cold bodies. We're done having children....even that  thought isn't as painful as it was just a year ago. Sam's birthday is April 30th. Gabriel