Today would have been Sam's first birthday. Right after he was born, this was actually a day I dreaded. I was afraid to move past his birth and death, because I didn't want to let go of the love and feelings I had right in that moment.
I'm so glad that feelings change though over time. I'm okay with being a bit more removed from the day he was born, but being able to recall feelings when I need to. Sam was the most perfect baby, and I thank God for the fight he had in him. Although we only knew him for 50 minutes face to face, we got to know our son so well in the 16 weeks we had after his diagnosis.
We had the most amazing day today, and we know it is because of the peace we have within us knowing that we will see Sam again one day.
We started off with a very relaxing morning. I like to think that Sam asked God to give us the most beautiful day for his birthday.
We spent most of the day at the zoo, something that we did shortly after Sam was born last year. I don't know how many people know this, but we planned on going to the zoo on Mother's Day, 2 weeks after Sam was born. I just couldn't drag myself out of the house that day, so we went on that Monday instead. We were waiting on Sam's urn being delivered, but the crematorium had given us his remains in a small container...one that I carried in my purse that day. When we had first found out we were pregnant with him, we dreamed of taking him to the zoo, pushing him around in his stroller. So we took him with us. And we took some pictures, but for the most part he stayed in my purse. That was a hard day, mostly because we had several families walking around the same areas we were while screaming at their children. I wanted to run up to the mothers belittling their beautiful kids and ask them to stop, because it was killing me to see them take them for granted. But I didn't. We walked around in sadness..that was a hard day for us.
But today was different. Of course, there were those parents at the zoo again, but for the most part I was able to ignore them. I have a peace that I of course didn't have this time last year. We walked...and walked...and walked...doc says anytime in May would be fine for us to deliver, so why not May 1st? ;-)
After the zoo we went to Biaggi's for an early dinner. The day we came home from the hospital last year, our campus pastor brought us food from there and I remember it being so delicious. I think that night that God was just holding me tightly, because I don't really remember it as the most difficult night. In remembrance of Sam's birth, we decided to go again. It was so relaxing, so needed.
And now we are home, with the couch pulled out, me on my computer and Jamey putting together his Lego sets. We absolutely love being together and doing these types of things...but we are so ready to have a little one join us. All we could do today was talk about what life might be like when this girl gets here, and how fun it will be as she toddles around this time next year.
It has been a beautiful day. I'm not really ready to go back to reality tomorrow, but I am so very thankful we got to enjoy this special day. We even have some German chocolate cake to celebrate (Sam would have loved it I know that for sure...I ate more chocolate while I was pregnant with him than any time in my entire life combined).
We thank everyone for their prayers, we have felt every single one of them. And most of all we thank God for giving us such a beautiful son who we couldn't imagine our lives without. We miss you baby!
I'm so glad that feelings change though over time. I'm okay with being a bit more removed from the day he was born, but being able to recall feelings when I need to. Sam was the most perfect baby, and I thank God for the fight he had in him. Although we only knew him for 50 minutes face to face, we got to know our son so well in the 16 weeks we had after his diagnosis.
We had the most amazing day today, and we know it is because of the peace we have within us knowing that we will see Sam again one day.
We started off with a very relaxing morning. I like to think that Sam asked God to give us the most beautiful day for his birthday.
We spent most of the day at the zoo, something that we did shortly after Sam was born last year. I don't know how many people know this, but we planned on going to the zoo on Mother's Day, 2 weeks after Sam was born. I just couldn't drag myself out of the house that day, so we went on that Monday instead. We were waiting on Sam's urn being delivered, but the crematorium had given us his remains in a small container...one that I carried in my purse that day. When we had first found out we were pregnant with him, we dreamed of taking him to the zoo, pushing him around in his stroller. So we took him with us. And we took some pictures, but for the most part he stayed in my purse. That was a hard day, mostly because we had several families walking around the same areas we were while screaming at their children. I wanted to run up to the mothers belittling their beautiful kids and ask them to stop, because it was killing me to see them take them for granted. But I didn't. We walked around in sadness..that was a hard day for us.
But today was different. Of course, there were those parents at the zoo again, but for the most part I was able to ignore them. I have a peace that I of course didn't have this time last year. We walked...and walked...and walked...doc says anytime in May would be fine for us to deliver, so why not May 1st? ;-)
After the zoo we went to Biaggi's for an early dinner. The day we came home from the hospital last year, our campus pastor brought us food from there and I remember it being so delicious. I think that night that God was just holding me tightly, because I don't really remember it as the most difficult night. In remembrance of Sam's birth, we decided to go again. It was so relaxing, so needed.
And now we are home, with the couch pulled out, me on my computer and Jamey putting together his Lego sets. We absolutely love being together and doing these types of things...but we are so ready to have a little one join us. All we could do today was talk about what life might be like when this girl gets here, and how fun it will be as she toddles around this time next year.
It has been a beautiful day. I'm not really ready to go back to reality tomorrow, but I am so very thankful we got to enjoy this special day. We even have some German chocolate cake to celebrate (Sam would have loved it I know that for sure...I ate more chocolate while I was pregnant with him than any time in my entire life combined).
We thank everyone for their prayers, we have felt every single one of them. And most of all we thank God for giving us such a beautiful son who we couldn't imagine our lives without. We miss you baby!
Comments
Post a Comment