Kaila Mugford

Wow, I have blogged a total of 16 times this year (compared to 85 the year before). I think it goes without saying that having a toddler takes up just a bit more attention than a non-mobile baby. Quality, over quantity, right? I have very little to say as of late. I'm sure my previous sentence would knock my husband's socks off, hahaha. I usually say that though, and then write a book. I promise, I won't. Unless it would make me some money. Then, I'll write you a nice long book. I'll even put pictures in it ;) I've been sick for the past week. I'm really not good at being sick and being a mommy. Like, really not good. Those super moms who say, "Mom's don't have time to be sick, we still do everything while we're sick"? Yeah, not me. We pretty much just watched Disney movies on the couch the whole time with some pauses to heat up chicken nuggets. Or hot dogs. You know, the healthy stuff. I did manage to give her some applesauce in

Has there ever been a time where you logged onto Facebook (or any other social media site for that matter), and immediately saw something that set you off? I have. It just happened a few minutes ago, actually. An article popped into my newsfeed on how spanking delays cognitive development. The title was enough to irritate, and the comments...ugh why do I even care to read something people have to say about a subject I already have made my decision on? As if I didn't already have a hard time making parenting decisions, I now am looking at articles that might as well be titled, "Doomed to Screw up Your Child: Why Your Decisions are Always Wrong." I HAVE to let go of my social media addiction. And yes, it's an addiction. It's something that hurts me more than it does anything else for me, and yet I keep going back to it. Does that mean I'm going to be done cold turkey? Never to have an internet presence again? Umm. No. I like sharing the pictures of my family

I probably seem a little bipolar of sorts going through highs and lows on here, but that's mostly because the times that are happiest (and saddest), I like to share. I don't care for putting on an air of perfection, because I'm not. Tomorrow Jamey and I will be celebrating our 4 year anniversary. Has it really only been 4 years? I feel like we've already lived a lifetime together. And that's a good thing ;-) We didn't really seem to have much of a chance when we first started dating. Eight months after our first date, Jamey moved me in to college in North Carolina and shortly after that, he boarded a plane for Japan. I was told by multiple people in college that it would never last, and we'd be better off ending it early to save heartbreak later. Somehow, we survived that year of saying good morning/good night twice a day, and spent the next summer together. To make a long story short, we did manage to make it through the next 3 years long distance. In

I have had a lot going on in my head lately. So much so that I haven't even been able to begin to write, mostly because this fullness in my brain has resulted in a fog I can't shake. There are moments of clarity, but that's all they seem to be...moments. Most of what I've been dealing with lately is very personal. I have a lot of anger directed at many people, some of whom have absolutely no idea. I've felt as though boundaries have been crossed, and privacy has been invaded. And yet, for the sake of maintaining "healthy relationships," (or the illusion of them), I've said nothing. People, that is so hard for me. I don't understand those who hold things in. Yes, there is a time and place for conflict, and I think that people who constantly fight with each other are dysfunctional, but I also feel that people who never fight or disagree are just as much so. I also don't understand those who let things go (although I seriously need to wor

My entire life I was told that when I grew up, I needed to be independent and successful. Like any other kid, I dreamed of being a doctor, a lawyer, or anything of that kind. I even told my Dad once that I planned to start an insurance company because then I'd be really rich. He laughed and said he didn't need to worry about retirement then. It wasn't just my parents who said these things. I know they were just trying to make sure that I believed I could reach any height I aspired to and that anything was possible. The songs of the 90s were riddled with songs of female i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-c-e, women don't need men (period), and any woman who depends on a man is weak. As a result, I grew to be a very strong woman. My husband will tell you that, as well as my parents and sisters. I spent my days in high school going to school board meetings, urging its members to incorporate more advanced courses in our school. I went to one of the top ten schools in the country, and

I am an incredibly vulnerable person. I feel vulnerability in every aspect of my life-my faith, my family, my friends, my finances, myself. I'd have to say that the place where I oftentimes feel most vulnerable is my faith. That is SO hard for me to admit. But listen to what I'm saying here...I'm vulnerable, not unsure. If you want to hurt me, start there. Most of it comes from being worried about what others think of me. I know, I was there for the majority of my life. I stood on that side of not believing unless I saw. I have to say, I'm still that way when it comes to things of THIS world. I thought those who had faith were trying to console themselves, were brainwashed, and made the rest of us uncomfortable with their prayers and their Jesus-talk. I thought faith was for the weak-minded, for those who didn't know enough to be able to figure things out for themselves so they settled for something that told them everything they wanted to hear. I thought that i

This week has been...a challenge. Toddlerhood. It's hard. It's also amazingly rewarding. But hard. This isn't new to anyone though who's parented a toddler. This also isn't new to anyone who hasn't parented a toddler (because we parents sure talk about it enough, don't we?) So I'll just give you a small (and hopefully humorous) peak into my life with a 14 month old. Morning: I hear the baby monitor. I honestly can't really complain here, since usually I don't hear a peep until sometime after 9. I should just skip this morning part but ever since Mira has turned 1, she has very little interest in smiling until she's had her 'baba'.  I bring her downstairs into the kitchen and set her on the floor while I make her bottle. Mira cries big fat giant tears that make me feel like the worst mama ever while I will the microwave to countdown faster. Finally I get that bottle popped into her mouth, but only after her face has turned splotchy

I've started about 5 different sentences to begin this blog post. None are sufficient. I'm tired. Mad. Frustrated. I could really (and have wanted to) punch some people right in the face. Would I ever? Have I ever? No. Would it feel good? Probably not. But you don't know until you try. I'm so serious. Mostly I'm tired. But serious. I've had one too many negative interactions with people in a very short period of time. Do you know what they all revolve around? Sam. I hate that. I hate that there is still so much hurt to be had, there is so much anger to be felt. Who WANTS the memory of their firstborn son surrounded by so much negative? I talked to a woman today who I don't know. I didn't ask her any questions, but she decided she needed to ask some of me. She tried to diagnose me with a gluten allergy. Thank you ma'am, but I don't have one. Then further into the conversation asked me about my birth experience. I was being as vague as poss

I've finally figured it out. I blogged back in February about the choices we make for Mira as parents, and the 'mommy wars' that happen over those choices. Although someone did recently unfriend me over a photo I posted of Mira eating her first happy meal, I now realize where the majority of these wars are being fought. In my head. I ask myself a hundred questions a day: is she eating okay? Is what she's eating nutritious? I think other moms feed their kids better stuff, don't they? Is it okay she plays alone often? Is it okay she has favorite tv shows and movies at such a young age? Good moms don't let their kids watch so much tv do they? Should we be outside more? Should I be teaching her more? Should we have more face to face time? Do I look at my phone too often? Will she grow up thinking I don't care about her? Will she grow up unhealthy? Will she not be smart because of the choices I've made for her? Am I setting a bad example? Should I lose we

I might have watched Frozen one too many times... Why hello there! After 2 months on hiatus, if you're still with me, then thank you for sticking around! I know you're just dying to hear what's been on my mind lately. Crickets . That's okay, I'll tell you anyway. So my last blog post? About not ever forgetting my first Mother's Day with Mira? I was right. I'll never forget it. I got the stomach flu...seriously. I have YET to spend a Mother's Day truly enjoying myself. There's always next year! Moving on... Speaking of moving, we did! We've made Rossford our permanent home. Bought our house at the end of May, and we are absolutely loving being home owners (again)! We like to make things really fun: closed on a Thursday afternoon (it was a foreclosure and needed cleaned up so I spent all that evening scrubbing while Jamey spent 7 HOURS mowing the yard because it hadn't been mowed yet. We had a pasture...I wouldn't kid you.) My pa

Two years ago, I spent my Mother's Day lying on the couch unable to get myself up. I had wanted badly to go to the zoo. Mothers get in free on Mother's Day, and I was going to take a picture of Sam with me. I just couldn't. I lay there and cried and cried...with a husband feeling the same way but trying to make my day special. We should have had a 2 week old. Instead, our arms were empty and our hearts were breaking. Last year was a little better. We still had 2 weeks left to wait for Mira to make her arrival. I celebrated Mother's Day as a mother of two, but neither were in my arms. I don't really remember what we did that day. I just remember what we didn't do. We didn't go to church. They dedicate babies two times a year at our church- Thanksgiving weekend and Mother's Day. I just couldn't watch other mommas proudly holding their healthy babies as they were dedicated to God. I had no choice but to give mine to God all too soon. It was just t

I have videos of the entirety of Sam's life...so even if I forget them, I'll be able to see everything from those moments. The moments after he was born, however, are only images in my head. After Sam died and everyone had the chance to hold him, it was time to get some rest. Jamey's family went home, my sisters slept on the chair and couch in my room, and my parents went out to the car to sleep. The hotel attached to the hospital told my family they'd be charged full price for a room if they checked in at 5am but would need to check out at noon, so they opted not to get one. Jamey crawled into bed with me, Sam snuggled between us. He had been in heaven for over an hour, but to us it just seemed natural. We wanted to share one nap with our boy, before he was physically taken from us. It wasn't a peaceful sleep, of course. Hospital beds aren't made for 2 grown people. But we made it work. Phone calls were made, and we were told that the director of the Cr

I can't believe nearly 2 years have passed since I've seen this beautiful face. Since I've touched him, kissed him, smelled his sweet baby smell. My personal memories are fading, as memories do. Our pictures and videos are all we have to remind us of the details that are no longer clear. I have literally THOUSANDS of pictures of Mira. And there will be thousands more to come. People make comments about all of the pictures I have an post of her. I have less than 200 pictures of Sam. All taken within 4 days of his birth. Most taken after he died. Let's just say, I might value photographs just a tad bit more than your average person. My heart hurts more this year than last. I knew we were missing out on a lifetime of memories with Sam when he died, but I truly didn't know what those memories would be until we had Mira. 1 year ago, I missed him. Missed his hair. His fingers. His toes. His cry. Another year gone by, and I miss him rolling over. His giggle

Last night my brain must have been on overload. I don't remember my dreams very often, but I did last night. I think I had at least five different dreams, all very charged with emotion. I only remember two of them with any clarity, but one hit me very hard in particular. Jamey and I were pregnant again. Why do our minds take these things as truth in dreams when quite obviously the opposite is true in real life? Anyway...we were pregnant. Not just newly, but 20 weeks to be exact. We were at the doctor's for that routine ultrasound, and we were so excited to find out if Mira was going to have a baby brother or sister. The technologist put the wand on my belly and started scanning. "It's a boy!" she said. Jamey and I just looked at each other, so excited to have another baby boy. "And how does everything else look?" I asked. All of a sudden the technologist's face went ashen, as she kept moving the wand around. "Hold on," she said, "I

"I feel that this is the best way, the only way to truly do things, and if people would only do their research, they would know the same. If staying uninformed makes them feel better though, then I guess that's what matters most to them." Person A "Well...I have done my research too and from what I've found, what you're saying isn't true. I'm going to have to stick with what MY findings (and the majority of research) have resulted in." Person B "Oh. Well, I wasn't talking about you , just everyone else who is uninformed about the FACTS." Person A Ever have a conversation like this? I have. Multiple. And it just usually ends up where I left it. Everyone is wrong except the two people having the interaction who stand on totally opposite sides. I've had a conversation with someone who is pro-choice, telling me that because a baby is not viable to live outside it's mothers womb that it is merely a cluster of cells withou

So...we're starting to reach the age of owies. People used to give me suggestions on how to get Mira to start to move on her own. Tummy time, certain toys to help her strengthen her muscles...and I would just say "She'll do it when she's ready." Of course she did some tummy time, but I didn't force her. And now I know why. Why would I force my baby to be more mobile for the sake of doing it so she can be exactly perfect on the development scale when all that meant for us is the sooner she bumps her head and falls off chairs? No thank you, she has figured all this out on her own with only minimal encouragement on my behalf ;-) Mira headbutted me this morning. And as I put my hand over my mouth and nose to recover and protect myself from another blow, I peeked over my fingers to see how she was doing. That pouty face, oh that face. The lip went down, the eyebrows furrowed, and she gave me this look as to say, " Why mommy did you do that? " She

Hey There! Boy, I have really let this thing go. When I first started this blog, it was nice to get my thoughts out there for others to read. It was healing for me to share about our grief while waiting for Mira, and I definitely look back on a year's worth of posts with a smile. But I realized that I was putting a little bit too much stress on myself to keep updating. I got worried that if I didn't write at least once or twice a week that no one would read anymore. I was forcing myself to come up with new ideas, and sit down even if I didn't have any. Well...that didn't work. So, as of right now, I'm not going to be forcing myself to do anything. I have a 7 month old, and she is quite active. If I don't have time to brush my teeth, I certainly am not going to have time to sit down and write an entire blog post that is entertaining/informational/awe-inspiring ;-) (Just kidding, I totally have time to brush my teeth...most days) I don't have any New Y