Kaila Mugford

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash Kaila...why don't you write? I stopped writing, really writing , almost 3 years ago.  Sometimes I share my old posts. Sometimes I just read them on my own, so glad I put words to my feelings at the time.  Sometimes they remind me that the feelings haven't gone away. Last night as I put the kids to bed, Edward said, Mom, I know what I want for Christmas.  What's that, buddy? He paused for a moment. I want a wittle brudder. This isn't the first time he's asked. It likely won't be the last. We're honest with Mira and Edward that we can't have any more kids; and to try would risk my life. There's a bit of confusion just because of their ages, but they're getting to the point where it's really starting to settle in. Mom, can we go get a baby? Like, adopt?  We've walked this thought-road as well, weighing our options. We've weighed every. single. option.  We've considered trying again, rolling the dice

 "I wish I had your energy." "How do you do it?" There's a weird sense of pride taken when I wear myself too thin. I'd blame it on culture, on the go-go-go mentality of everyone around me. I get swept away in things. Good things. Things that take time and energy.  My schedule is mine to make and mine to keep. No one says yes to things *for me*.  How do I do it? How do I have the energy? The thing is I don't. I don't have it. I force it. Age is on my side right now I'd say in that my body can take a lot more than I should be forcing on it. It will  catch up with me one day if I don't change something. The late nights. The early mornings. The social calendar. The planning. The doing. The yeses that should have been nos.  I'm a broken record to those closest to me. I talk about the need to cry fairly often. I need to...but I don't. I hold it in because I don't have the energy to cry.  I don't have the time to feel my feelings.  I