Kaila Mugford

Today would have been Sam's first birthday. Right after he was born, this was actually a day I dreaded. I was afraid to move past his birth and death, because I didn't want to let go of the love and feelings I had right in that moment. I'm so glad that feelings change though over time. I'm okay with being a bit more removed from the day he was born, but being able to recall feelings when I need to. Sam was the most perfect baby, and I thank God for the fight he had in him. Although we only knew him for 50 minutes face to face, we got to know our son so well in the 16 weeks we had after his diagnosis. We had the most amazing day today, and we know it is because of the peace we have within us knowing that we will see Sam again one day. We started off with a very relaxing morning. I like to think that Sam asked God to give us the most beautiful day for his birthday. We spent most of the day at the zoo, something that we did shortly after Sam was born last year. I d

Anyone who knows me knows that patience is not one of my virtues. I'm sure even if you've followed a few of my posts, you could tell that as well. It's really easy to tell someone else to just be patient , but honestly...when it's something YOU want, it's a totally different ball game. Why is the last bit of a long wait seem longer than the rest of any of the time that came before? We found out September 19th we were pregnant with this girl. And although there were spurts of time that felt like ages had passed, I can't believe we're almost to May. A friend of mine told me the day we found out we were pregnant, "You just wait girl, when you're holding that baby next year I'll say remember when you called me in September? And it will feel like time just flew by." Time has not "flown" by any means, but I do know what she means. It's always such a nice feeling to look back and know that the wait is behind you. There's o

Sam's birthday is coming up so fast, it's hard to believe. It's hard to believe it's been almost a year. But it's even more difficult for me to believe that it's only been one year. Jamey and I are in such a weird place right now. We are ecstatic about having a daughter in the next month or so, but this week has just been strange. We've both been feeling off, and we both know why. We should be planning a 1 year old's birthday party, planning smash cake photos, and working on teaching our baby to walk. Instead this weekend we are attending a memorial service for children who passed away at the University of Michigan children's hospital. We will be making a windchime in Sam's memory. On his birthday we will be going to the zoo, alone, and then out to dinner at Biaggi's...the place we had dinner from the night after Sam was born. I know we need and will enjoy the time together, but Jamey and I are just tired of this. Tired of being just

How Far Along: 33 weeks 4 days Size of baby: We got a measurement today, 5lbs 11oz! Sleep: I really hate laying in bed knowing it's not going to be a good sleep. It hurts to roll from side to side, and most mornings I have to walk stooped for a little bit right when I get out of bed. Total Weight Gain: Oh probably 25lbs, I'm not sure though. Symptoms: I have ridiculously painful round ligament pain. And swelling. It just plain 'ol hurts to walk right now. And I still have about 6 weeks. Movement: I feel all movement right under the right side of my rib cage. And today I found out why. This kid has not only her head stuck there, but her knees, feet, and arms. Maternity Clothes: I'm getting really excited to do some shopping for non-maternity clothes this summer! Go-to eats: Fruit, mostly watermelon. Best moment of the week: Our second baby shower! I'm so blessed with wonderful friends to throw us such a beautiful celebration for our daughter :)

I really don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life, but I'm afraid I might. I'll be perfectly fine for days, maybe even weeks, and then it just seems to hit me out of nowhere. Something huge is missing from my life. I feel homesick even though I'm home. Jamey and I packed a bag tonight for when we go up to the hospital. We read through the lists of suggestions from other moms, mostly of what to bring for baby. Only because we don't know what we'll need for her. We bought two outfits for Sam, bathed him once, and he only wore one diaper. I know the hospital has most of the stuff we'll need, but I like to bring a little extra. As much fun as it is to pack a coming home outfit, it's equally sad for us. I asked Jamey if any of this made him sad and he said, "yes, it does." I don't want the happy moments in my life to be overshadowed by this sadness that we have for Sam. Although I don't ever want to forget him in any way,

How Far Along: 32 weeks 1 day Size of baby: About 4lbs & 17in long Sleep: Enjoying it while I can! Total Weight Gain: I haven't checked in a couple weeks but so far it's been 20lbs. Symptoms: I've been pretty swollen in my hands and feet lately, and heartburn's always present. Walking around has started to get a bit painful, and breathing has become difficult. Movement: This girl likes to make BIG movements and then stay stuck in a certain spot for awhile. At our appointment this week she was transverse...which looked really uncomfortable to me. And Jamey asked who's child this was since neither of us are very flexible! Maternity Clothes: Of course, still wearing them. I honestly am very excited to get to zip up my pants again one day...I feel like I've forgotten what that's like. Go-to eats: Fruit, mostly watermelon. Best moment of the week: Our doctor's appointment. They told us I would most likely not be pregnant by June, so

I absolutely love how the weather changes things. How the sunshine warms me from the inside out. It's amazing the difference from one month to the next. And although I feel like winter overstayed its welcome, it makes me all the more thankful that spring is here. Even my doctor seemed to be in better spirits with the start of this month. She's an amazing doctor but sometimes when I share with her my complaints or worries, she gives me this look like, "Really? THAT is what you're whining about?" But today was such a happy day. Jamey and I got off work at noon (too bad that is not an every day occurrence), and went to speak with a lawyer about creating a will for us. We want to do everything possible to make sure that our children are well taken care of should anything ever happen to us. We thought we were on top of the game and doing things right. And we are, except that the lawyer was a little bit surprised at having people come in to make plans for their ch

How Far Along: 31 weeks! Size of baby: About 4lbs & 17in long Sleep: Pregnancy dreams are crazy! A few nights ago I had an incredibly vivid dream of being on a rocket going into space (and thinking to myself, "my doctor wouldn't approve this..."), and last night I dreamed I was being chased by a family of vampires and the only way to defeat them was to put stickers on them! I have no idea where my brain comes up with this stuff... Total Weight Gain: I haven't checked in a couple weeks but so far it's been 20lbs. Symptoms: Swelling...and major heartburn. I have to sleep propped up for the most part, and the swelling is no fun at all. I have numbness in my fingers and pain in my feet because of this. Probably my least favorite symptom so far. Movement: She moves quite a bit now and gets the hiccups often! Maternity Clothes: I'm even getting big for some of my maternity clothes, but I have to make these last...I don't want to spend any m

It is absolutely amazing to hear the viewpoint of people who don't have children on what it means to be a parent. I mean, the insight...the knowledge!! ;-) Did you know that when you become a parent (if you're a good one that is), that you can no longer participate in any activities that you once enjoyed? That you'll have no time at all other than staring at your child, watching their every move? That you cease to exist outside of the being that is your kid? Did you know that your life is over the minute your child takes its first breath? All of these were quite startling revelations to me today. Did you also know that most parents couldn't possibly be happy as they say they are? That they say they are happy just so the world doesn't think they're bad parents? That the happiness of parenthood is one big conspiracy??? WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THIS BEFORE? Why couldn't you have just told me the truth, let me live in the bliss that is pre-parenthood?

We are just so excited to be parents again. SO EXCITED! We had an an appointment today. We're starting to go every week now only because I had a minor meltdown last week and she thinks it would be best if I had the reassurance that everything was okay at least once a week. Although I'm a little skeptical it's going to really make a difference on how good I feel, I'm happy that she recommended it. I know everyone is very understanding why I would want to take a look at her so often after what we went through with Sam...but I just hate that feeling that things may not be okay. I asked Jamey on the way back from the doctor last week, "Do you feel like something IS wrong, and they're just not telling us until she's here so at least we have a few more months of excitement and joy?" I know, I know. Completely irrational and unrealistic. And I'm pretty sure it'd be illegal on their part. But, the question still manages to pop into my head. Just