I've never been one to enjoy sleep.
I know, I'm in the minority here. I abhorred napping my entire life (just ask my mother), and I never understood why anyone would ever want to waste time in the afternoon with their eyes closed. I never drank coffee, (Edward changed that for me) but even when I started the coffee, I still never napped.
Until last May.
I've absolutely needed regular naps since Gabriel died. My brain has refused to function without more sleep. Grieving takes an immense amount of energy that no amount of coffee can fix.
I've learned that I don't hate naps anymore. In fact, they connect my heart to a little bit of Heaven.
Shortly after lunch almost every day of the week, I tell Edward, Okay buddy, it's time to go upstairs.
Every day, he responds, "NO! I don't yike it."
I know, but we need to go. We need rest. Do you want me to carry you?
"Yeah. Caywehyou. Pee Peese?"
We lay down in my bed, and I grab the blanket that lays on the end for me. Buddy, do you want to snuggle me?
"NO." Then he slowly backs up next to me, almost as if I can't see him then he isn't really snuggling me. We go through this routine every. single. day.
I put his blankets over him and then wrap my blanket tightly around me. It feels like a hug, it's so heavy. I breathe deeply. I made this blanket what seems like a lifetime ago, and yet it's only been 10 months.
I made it for his little brother.
"From the moment we held you you snuggled into our hearts" is crocheted into the squares. Oh, how I'd cried knowing he would never get to be snuggled in that blanket alive.
I fall asleep for a short while, but I always wake up before Edward does.
And then I wrap him up in it too. I picture two little faces that look just like his, snuggled into my arms along with their sister.
I know my arms were big enough for four babies. My heart definitely is.
I soak in these moments with this little boy. This sweet son who makes me want to pull out my hair and cover him in kisses all at once. I know all too well that time will go by much faster than I'd like it to.
So for now, I love naps. And the closeness it brings me to my sons.
All three.
I know, I'm in the minority here. I abhorred napping my entire life (just ask my mother), and I never understood why anyone would ever want to waste time in the afternoon with their eyes closed. I never drank coffee, (Edward changed that for me) but even when I started the coffee, I still never napped.
Until last May.
I've absolutely needed regular naps since Gabriel died. My brain has refused to function without more sleep. Grieving takes an immense amount of energy that no amount of coffee can fix.
I've learned that I don't hate naps anymore. In fact, they connect my heart to a little bit of Heaven.
Shortly after lunch almost every day of the week, I tell Edward, Okay buddy, it's time to go upstairs.
Every day, he responds, "NO! I don't yike it."
I know, but we need to go. We need rest. Do you want me to carry you?
"Yeah. Caywehyou. Pee Peese?"
We lay down in my bed, and I grab the blanket that lays on the end for me. Buddy, do you want to snuggle me?
"NO." Then he slowly backs up next to me, almost as if I can't see him then he isn't really snuggling me. We go through this routine every. single. day.
I put his blankets over him and then wrap my blanket tightly around me. It feels like a hug, it's so heavy. I breathe deeply. I made this blanket what seems like a lifetime ago, and yet it's only been 10 months.
I made it for his little brother.
"From the moment we held you you snuggled into our hearts" is crocheted into the squares. Oh, how I'd cried knowing he would never get to be snuggled in that blanket alive.
I fall asleep for a short while, but I always wake up before Edward does.
And then I wrap him up in it too. I picture two little faces that look just like his, snuggled into my arms along with their sister.
I know my arms were big enough for four babies. My heart definitely is.
I soak in these moments with this little boy. This sweet son who makes me want to pull out my hair and cover him in kisses all at once. I know all too well that time will go by much faster than I'd like it to.
So for now, I love naps. And the closeness it brings me to my sons.
All three.
The word I've chosen to embrace this year is "enjoy." 2019 is a year I want to enjoy all the moments that I am able to. I will be sharing more eventually about the changes I've made to make this year more enjoyable. Napping will definitely be on the list. 💙
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