Kaila Mugford

Today has felt odd and I can only sum up my emotions in one word: Split. Split between two boys in heaven. Split between two children in heaven and two on earth. My heart doesn't seem to be able to hold everything I feel right now.  The hormones don't help. I just gave birth two weeks ago to a perfect little boy who couldn't come home. We said our final goodbyes yesterday at the most beautiful funeral service done by our church. Surrounded by friends and family. I woke up yesterday morning with signs of an incision infection. Thankfully the day before, I didn't feel right and went to be seen by my OB, asking for antibiotics. I wanted to avoid at all costs the need to be in the hospital for his funeral. They seem to finally be taking effect today, but yesterday was pretty painful and tiring.  I was very sick in the hospital just two weeks ago, so any symptoms I've had lately have caused suspicion. I go to bed every night talking to Jamey about ...

Our biggest fear during this pregnancy was that we would leave town and that I would go into labor, delivering Gabriel without our team of doctors. We didn't leave the city for 3 months. We left for a day trip 2 hours away last Saturday, and ended up needing to go to the ER. Gabriel was born out of town. 10 weeks early. Without our team. When we were making our plans for his birth just a few weeks ago, our palliative care nurse asked, "Have you imagined what his birth day will be like?" No. I haven't pictured it. I respond. Because I know that no matter what I imagine, it will be even better than that. I don't want to ruin his birth with what I think would make it perfect. I just want to be as prepared as possible. Well... His birth was exactly the opposite of what we'd planned. But it was 10,000 times more perfect than what I'd imagined. I cannot wait to share his life with you all. Today we are home, resting. I left my house 8 days ...

I am so grateful to read my own writing just 5 days ago and be reminded of the beauty of each day. Because today is not one of those days. Today I am tired. I'm worn. My mind hurts. I smile and shake my head when I share with those in person about what our current issues are because I just cannot believe the twists and turns this journey with Gabriel has taken us on. It doesn't seem real. Believe it or not, the newest news we've received is even harder than what I've shared thus far. I'm hurting. I can't even explain it other than I feel heavy. I'm having one of those days. One of those weeks. 30 weeks pregnant today. I wish I could be excited. I wish I could take a glowing picture. Three fourths of the way done! In the home stretch! But I haven't showered. I haven't even brushed my hair.  I'm devastated. And I look it. I feel everything so deeply today...this week. Everything hurts. I have terrible heartburn. Every t...

Why me? Why us? A huge question. A hard question. One that I ask often.  This Monday, however, I asked it in a different way. As I journaled, I did write out those difficult questions. Why did Sam die? Why do we have to do this again with Gabriel? And then I felt the need to write even more questions... Why did God bless me with two loving parents? Who struggled with alcoholism for over a decade and are now both nearly to a decade of sobriety? Why did He give them back to me? Why did God bless me with this marriage? One that nearly ended just 2 short years ago but has been since redeemed, healthier, and happier today x1000? Why has God blessed me with 4 beautiful babies? Why has He blessed us financially here in Illinois, a tough state to find financial success? Why has God blessed me with healthy, loving relationships with both of my beautiful sisters? Why do I have not just one, but a multitude of wonderful friendships free from judgment and d...