It's Not About You

I am an incredibly vulnerable person. I feel vulnerability in every aspect of my life-my faith, my family, my friends, my finances, myself.

I'd have to say that the place where I oftentimes feel most vulnerable is my faith. That is SO hard for me to admit. But listen to what I'm saying here...I'm vulnerable, not unsure. If you want to hurt me, start there.

Most of it comes from being worried about what others think of me. I know, I was there for the majority of my life. I stood on that side of not believing unless I saw. I have to say, I'm still that way when it comes to things of THIS world. I thought those who had faith were trying to console themselves, were brainwashed, and made the rest of us uncomfortable with their prayers and their Jesus-talk. I thought faith was for the weak-minded, for those who didn't know enough to be able to figure things out for themselves so they settled for something that told them everything they wanted to hear. I thought that if I lived a good enough life, I would be good to go, no matter what anyone else believed. And I just knew that I would never join the Bible-thumpers.

I love Jesus. I love what He did for me on the cross. I love that He loved me enough to forgive me when I was still a sinner.

Did I just say that? Saying those things make me feel vulnerable, because I know what this world thinks of faith. I've sat in conferences that preach anything but, I've had discussions that ended too quickly because of it, I've been asked questions about it only to be snorted at when I respond.

And it hurts. Every. Single. Time.

It hurts when someone makes a blatant statement (spoken or not) of disregard for my faith. It hurts when someone chuckles or rolls their eyes at the 'crazy' beliefs that I hold. And it's a special kind of hurt when the suggestion is made that my son is anywhere but Heaven.

However. "It's not about you." I try to be mindful of this first line in Rick Warren's book The Purpose-Driven Life. I tend to think of everything as being about me. That's how I'm wired. That's how you're wired. It takes a lot of discipline (which I do not yet have but am working on!) to remember that it's not.

When I'm hurt like this, I tend to almost always respond in anger. Why can't you just believe what I believe? Why won't you just listen to me? I honestly want to tie you up in a chair and not let you go until we've talked it out and you've agreed that I'm right. O_o

Good going there, Kaila. You've just turned everyone off to the Jesus whom you love so much.

In the last few weeks, I've experienced a lot of spiritual and emotional pain. A lot of it is because I love people so much and want them to feel the kind of love that I have. Some of it is because others have said hurtful things, whether intentional or not. But I've realized...it's mostly because I have more of a love for my need to be right than my desire to express my love to others.

What would Jesus do? So cliche and yet so appropriate. I'm certainly not doing that, and it's been brought to my attention.

Jesus would not tie people to a chair and talk them til they admitted He was the son of God.

He just loved them.

And I will too.