Last night my brain must have been on overload. I don't remember my dreams very often, but I did last night. I think I had at least five different dreams, all very charged with emotion. I only remember two of them with any clarity, but one hit me very hard in particular.
Jamey and I were pregnant again. Why do our minds take these things as truth in dreams when quite obviously the opposite is true in real life? Anyway...we were pregnant. Not just newly, but 20 weeks to be exact. We were at the doctor's for that routine ultrasound, and we were so excited to find out if Mira was going to have a baby brother or sister.
The technologist put the wand on my belly and started scanning. "It's a boy!" she said. Jamey and I just looked at each other, so excited to have another baby boy. "And how does everything else look?" I asked. All of a sudden the technologist's face went ashen, as she kept moving the wand around. "Hold on," she said, "I'm having difficulty with some of the images because of low fluid level."
No. It couldn't possibly. Not again. I kept a smile as I said, "Are you sure it's not just the angle? I'm sure everything's fine." I looked at Jamey to see what he thought. He just looked back at me, shook his head, and said, "I don't think so, Kaila. I saw his kidneys. They're too big again."
I don't think I've ever cried so hard within a dream. All I remember is sobbing, "Nooo. No. No. No. No. Not again."
And then thankfully...Jamey's alarm went off. I was still half dreaming and half awake when I told Jamey about my dream and asked him to just lay with me for a little bit.
Many ask me when we're going to have more children. They ask as if it's an easy choice for us, a given that now that we have one healthy child, we surely could have more. And they could be right. I am very much looking forward to having more children...if it's in the Plans.
But it's not an easy choice, by far. I feel like our pregnancy with Mira was 9 months of holding our breaths just waiting to see what would happen. We know all too well that not all births end in bringing a baby home. And now that we've become part of the "baby loss community," we've become all too aware that what happened to us...does have the possibility of recurrence.
You don't get a free pass when you lose a baby. Or when you have a healthy one for that matter. Just because they don't have a name for what Sam had, it doesn't mean it can't happen again. And just because Mira is healthy, it doesn't mean we don't still have the possibility to lose another. Genetics just don't work that way. And although everyone runs this risk, most don't think about it until it's happened to them. I had one doctor once tell me, "Statistics don't matter when it happens to you. Then it's 100%"
I know people who see dreams like this as ominous and foretelling. I think that's superstition, and my faith is thankfully not rooted in my subconscious fears. Jamey and I will try in the future to have more children (it's just a matter of when).
I really needed to write this out, since I just woke up and it's so fresh in my mind. I pray the day never comes that we ever have to hear those words from a doctor again. But if it does, I am thankful for God, my family, and my community who has seen us through, and would do it again.
Jamey and I were pregnant again. Why do our minds take these things as truth in dreams when quite obviously the opposite is true in real life? Anyway...we were pregnant. Not just newly, but 20 weeks to be exact. We were at the doctor's for that routine ultrasound, and we were so excited to find out if Mira was going to have a baby brother or sister.
The technologist put the wand on my belly and started scanning. "It's a boy!" she said. Jamey and I just looked at each other, so excited to have another baby boy. "And how does everything else look?" I asked. All of a sudden the technologist's face went ashen, as she kept moving the wand around. "Hold on," she said, "I'm having difficulty with some of the images because of low fluid level."
No. It couldn't possibly. Not again. I kept a smile as I said, "Are you sure it's not just the angle? I'm sure everything's fine." I looked at Jamey to see what he thought. He just looked back at me, shook his head, and said, "I don't think so, Kaila. I saw his kidneys. They're too big again."
I don't think I've ever cried so hard within a dream. All I remember is sobbing, "Nooo. No. No. No. No. Not again."
And then thankfully...Jamey's alarm went off. I was still half dreaming and half awake when I told Jamey about my dream and asked him to just lay with me for a little bit.
Many ask me when we're going to have more children. They ask as if it's an easy choice for us, a given that now that we have one healthy child, we surely could have more. And they could be right. I am very much looking forward to having more children...if it's in the Plans.
But it's not an easy choice, by far. I feel like our pregnancy with Mira was 9 months of holding our breaths just waiting to see what would happen. We know all too well that not all births end in bringing a baby home. And now that we've become part of the "baby loss community," we've become all too aware that what happened to us...does have the possibility of recurrence.
You don't get a free pass when you lose a baby. Or when you have a healthy one for that matter. Just because they don't have a name for what Sam had, it doesn't mean it can't happen again. And just because Mira is healthy, it doesn't mean we don't still have the possibility to lose another. Genetics just don't work that way. And although everyone runs this risk, most don't think about it until it's happened to them. I had one doctor once tell me, "Statistics don't matter when it happens to you. Then it's 100%"
I know people who see dreams like this as ominous and foretelling. I think that's superstition, and my faith is thankfully not rooted in my subconscious fears. Jamey and I will try in the future to have more children (it's just a matter of when).
I really needed to write this out, since I just woke up and it's so fresh in my mind. I pray the day never comes that we ever have to hear those words from a doctor again. But if it does, I am thankful for God, my family, and my community who has seen us through, and would do it again.
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