I've finally figured it out. I blogged back in February about the choices we make for Mira as parents, and the 'mommy wars' that happen over those choices. Although someone did recently unfriend me over a photo I posted of Mira eating her first happy meal, I now realize where the majority of these wars are being fought.
In my head.
I ask myself a hundred questions a day: is she eating okay? Is what she's eating nutritious? I think other moms feed their kids better stuff, don't they? Is it okay she plays alone often? Is it okay she has favorite tv shows and movies at such a young age? Good moms don't let their kids watch so much tv do they? Should we be outside more? Should I be teaching her more? Should we have more face to face time? Do I look at my phone too often? Will she grow up thinking I don't care about her? Will she grow up unhealthy? Will she not be smart because of the choices I've made for her? Am I setting a bad example? Should I lose weight to set a good example? Are we unhealthy?
I could go on. And on. And on. I'm surprised I haven't driven myself crazy yet with them. I've asked Jamey if he ever asks himself any of these questions, if he ever doubts our parenting choices, if he ever worries himself sick to the point he wants to do an overhaul of his life and make big changes.
"Nope," he says.
Nope. Seriously?! How I envy his easy-going nature. :-)
Something has to change though. And it needs to come from within. My brain is exhausted by the end of the day, and now I see why. It takes a lot of energy to question every single move you make each day.
I'm tired. Tired of asking myself those questions, because I'm the only person asking myself them. This would be a totally different story if someone else asked me: "Is she eating okay? Is what she's eating nutritious?" Of course! I feed her a balanced diet of Ritz crackers and raisins. Just kidding. She also gets lots of veggies, fruit, protein, and dairy. This girl eats what we eat, and we eat what my family ate growing up. Breathe, Kaila, she'll survive. "Is it okay that she plays alone often?" GOODNESS YES. Mira is independent, and she'll learn to use her imagination in ways she couldn't if I constantly provided it for her. "Is it okay that she has favorite tv shows and movies at such a young age?" Yep. This is a big one for me. She can sit and stare at the tv for the length of the entire movie, The Lorax. It's the music she really loves, and she dances while watching it! Will she grow up and say, "Gosh Mom, I wish you hadn't let me watch so many cartoons. Now I'm dumb and I have no life."? No...Mira gets out A LOT for a baby her age. She'd take the car if I gave her the keys, I'm sure. She has best friends in other kids, we go to the zoo, we play outside, and she loves to swim. She'll be okay. "Will she grow up thinking I don't care about her?" Um. That's such a stupid question, and I don't even know why I ask myself that one.
But I do. And I let them all weigh in on me. I know I'm not alone in asking myself these types of questions by any means. And I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm the one who got myself to this crazy question place, and I can most certainly get out.
I just read a book that addressed this type of craziness. Of course I can't remember the title, or the author, because I lent it to a friend. But the point of it was this: all mommas have cups that need filled to the brim with love and appreciation. We are constantly looking to have that cup filled by others-our spouses, our children, and our friends. And although they might be able to add drops to your cup, you can never get it full because they just don't know how exactly you want and need and crave that love and appreciation.
The only One who CAN fill your cup to the top and make sure it's overflowing, is Jesus. He knows just how much I love my family and would do anything for them, and He appreciates me for being a momma who is always trying to lead my family to Him. I may not always be successful, but each day is a new day. He loves me, my husband, and my children, more than I could ever know, and I'm sure He feels a sadness when I listen to the lies of the deceiver.
I have been letting the lies that I'm not a good mommy take over. That's got to stop, today. I'm the daughter of a perfect Father, raising up another of His daughters. I'm doing a good job, and He loves us.
And that's all that matters.
In my head.
I ask myself a hundred questions a day: is she eating okay? Is what she's eating nutritious? I think other moms feed their kids better stuff, don't they? Is it okay she plays alone often? Is it okay she has favorite tv shows and movies at such a young age? Good moms don't let their kids watch so much tv do they? Should we be outside more? Should I be teaching her more? Should we have more face to face time? Do I look at my phone too often? Will she grow up thinking I don't care about her? Will she grow up unhealthy? Will she not be smart because of the choices I've made for her? Am I setting a bad example? Should I lose weight to set a good example? Are we unhealthy?
I could go on. And on. And on. I'm surprised I haven't driven myself crazy yet with them. I've asked Jamey if he ever asks himself any of these questions, if he ever doubts our parenting choices, if he ever worries himself sick to the point he wants to do an overhaul of his life and make big changes.
"Nope," he says.
Nope. Seriously?! How I envy his easy-going nature. :-)
Something has to change though. And it needs to come from within. My brain is exhausted by the end of the day, and now I see why. It takes a lot of energy to question every single move you make each day.
I'm tired. Tired of asking myself those questions, because I'm the only person asking myself them. This would be a totally different story if someone else asked me: "Is she eating okay? Is what she's eating nutritious?" Of course! I feed her a balanced diet of Ritz crackers and raisins. Just kidding. She also gets lots of veggies, fruit, protein, and dairy. This girl eats what we eat, and we eat what my family ate growing up. Breathe, Kaila, she'll survive. "Is it okay that she plays alone often?" GOODNESS YES. Mira is independent, and she'll learn to use her imagination in ways she couldn't if I constantly provided it for her. "Is it okay that she has favorite tv shows and movies at such a young age?" Yep. This is a big one for me. She can sit and stare at the tv for the length of the entire movie, The Lorax. It's the music she really loves, and she dances while watching it! Will she grow up and say, "Gosh Mom, I wish you hadn't let me watch so many cartoons. Now I'm dumb and I have no life."? No...Mira gets out A LOT for a baby her age. She'd take the car if I gave her the keys, I'm sure. She has best friends in other kids, we go to the zoo, we play outside, and she loves to swim. She'll be okay. "Will she grow up thinking I don't care about her?" Um. That's such a stupid question, and I don't even know why I ask myself that one.
But I do. And I let them all weigh in on me. I know I'm not alone in asking myself these types of questions by any means. And I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm the one who got myself to this crazy question place, and I can most certainly get out.
I just read a book that addressed this type of craziness. Of course I can't remember the title, or the author, because I lent it to a friend. But the point of it was this: all mommas have cups that need filled to the brim with love and appreciation. We are constantly looking to have that cup filled by others-our spouses, our children, and our friends. And although they might be able to add drops to your cup, you can never get it full because they just don't know how exactly you want and need and crave that love and appreciation.
The only One who CAN fill your cup to the top and make sure it's overflowing, is Jesus. He knows just how much I love my family and would do anything for them, and He appreciates me for being a momma who is always trying to lead my family to Him. I may not always be successful, but each day is a new day. He loves me, my husband, and my children, more than I could ever know, and I'm sure He feels a sadness when I listen to the lies of the deceiver.
I have been letting the lies that I'm not a good mommy take over. That's got to stop, today. I'm the daughter of a perfect Father, raising up another of His daughters. I'm doing a good job, and He loves us.
And that's all that matters.
Amen!
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