Waiting for my Christmas

Today was my last day of work for the next 12 weeks. I have been so excited about this day, about finally being able to put my feet up and wait for baby girl to get here. And instead of the elation I expected, I have this sinking feeling.

This holy moly this is really happening what the heck am I going to do I don't know what I'm doing feeling.

Maybe I'm just really tired right now. Either way, my heart is fluttering, and I wish it would stop.

I keep having this feeling of inadequacy, that says, "You really should have just kept working right up until you had the baby. You could have kept going, and if you don't go into labor before the 31st, you'll have missed out on 2 weeks with your baby."

Okay, 2 weeks. Big deal. But Sam had 50minutes. 2 weeks is an eternity to me with my baby.

And what about when I go back? Who will I leave my baby with? How could I possibly ever leave her?

I'm so excited to be home and to finally meet our daughter. But actually being home breaks the balance I've had for so long....being pregnant and continuing to work. Being home changes everything, and is forcing me to think about a lot I'd rather not.

I feel like a big kid waiting for the days to pass til Christmas day and at the same time terrified for summer vacation to end. It's a weird place, an emotional place. So please be gentle right now :)

Comments

Unfixable

I have to share some things that are going to make some people uncomfortable. I'm okay with that, but I know it's not going to be easy to read because you might want to try to fix me. You can't. You can't "fix" these feelings. You can't pray them away. You can't tell me to "just trust God" and go on with your day. Well, I guess you can. But I can't. I am not in a good place. I am not okay. I don't even want to be okay at this point. I tell Jamey almost every night that I want to go back to the hospital. I want to lay in that bed. I want to kiss and cuddle my son. I want to stroke his cheeks. I don't care if they're cold. I don't care if he'll never open his eyes again. I just want to go back there and rock him in my arms. I took pictures of the bruises on my arms and hands from being in the hospital. There are so few memories of my son, that I didn't even want to forget that part. My blood pressure w...

Memories

I have videos of the entirety of Sam's life...so even if I forget them, I'll be able to see everything from those moments. The moments after he was born, however, are only images in my head. After Sam died and everyone had the chance to hold him, it was time to get some rest. Jamey's family went home, my sisters slept on the chair and couch in my room, and my parents went out to the car to sleep. The hotel attached to the hospital told my family they'd be charged full price for a room if they checked in at 5am but would need to check out at noon, so they opted not to get one. Jamey crawled into bed with me, Sam snuggled between us. He had been in heaven for over an hour, but to us it just seemed natural. We wanted to share one nap with our boy, before he was physically taken from us. It wasn't a peaceful sleep, of course. Hospital beds aren't made for 2 grown people. But we made it work. Phone calls were made, and we were told that the director of the Cr...

The Hardest Part

One year ago today I had my very last prenatal checkup. I saw both my maternal-fetal medicine specialist and my ob/gyn. My blood pressure was great. Gabriel was still there and moving. There was no indication that within 24 hours my liver would start to fail. I didn't know that April 13th, 2018 would be the last time I ever saw my baby on an ultrasound. It would be the last time I heard his heartbeat. I didn't know that the next morning a pain would begin. The next day I would meet my sweet little 2-month-old nephew. I wouldn't be able to eat because I just wasn't feeling well. I would stay up late with the pain, sipping water and waiting for it to pass. The next night would be spent in the ER, not knowing we would be meeting Gabriel face to face just 10 hours later. One year ago was the beginning of goodbye to this teeny boy. And I had no idea. Wednesday morning. It's time to get ready to leave. Except it's 3:00am. I keep waking up, worried tha...

Kaila Mugford

Search This Blog