Full Term. Finally :)

How Far Along: 37 weeks--FULL TERM!

Size of baby: 7lbs maybe?

Sleep: Near impossible to get comfortable, but I'm trying to get as much rest as possible right now.

Total Weight Gain: 28lbs

Symptoms: I have a lot of pain when I walk and I'm pretty much tired all the time. Almost done though!

Movement: This girl has been getting the hiccups more and more, and that's what I feel most often. But every so often she has a spurt of energy where she pushes out in the most uncomfortable spots and it's all I can do to keep from pushing back on her ;-)

Maternity Clothes: Getting a little big even for some of my maternity shirts.

Go-to eats: Fruit and cereal mmm mmmm!

Best moment of the week: Baby girl dropped last night! I woke up this morning and my tummy was super low! Hopefully she's making preparations to meet us!

Gender: We're having a little girl!

What I wish people knew: I still think a lot about what could or might go wrong. I told a friend this week that sometimes it has crossed my mind that the doctors know something is wrong but don't have the heart to tell us we're going to lose another. I know that's irrational, but it's something that I do think about every once in awhile.

What I’m looking forward to: Tomorrow is my last day of work before we meet our daughter. I. CAN. NOT. WAIT. TO. HOLD. HER. :-D

Comments

The Hardest Part

One year ago today I had my very last prenatal checkup. I saw both my maternal-fetal medicine specialist and my ob/gyn. My blood pressure was great. Gabriel was still there and moving. There was no indication that within 24 hours my liver would start to fail. I didn't know that April 13th, 2018 would be the last time I ever saw my baby on an ultrasound. It would be the last time I heard his heartbeat. I didn't know that the next morning a pain would begin. The next day I would meet my sweet little 2-month-old nephew. I wouldn't be able to eat because I just wasn't feeling well. I would stay up late with the pain, sipping water and waiting for it to pass. The next night would be spent in the ER, not knowing we would be meeting Gabriel face to face just 10 hours later. One year ago was the beginning of goodbye to this teeny boy. And I had no idea. Wednesday morning. It's time to get ready to leave. Except it's 3:00am. I keep waking up, worried tha...

A New Way to Celebrate

"But He could have saved my boys. He could have . I'm so angry He didn't. I'm going to have to work through that with God, and I'm going to need time to do it. This isn't a quick fix, and there is no band-aid big enough to patch this damage. This cut is so deep it's going to take some major reconstructive surgery." I wrote that nearly two years ago. Two years. I wasn't wrong. There has been no quick fix. There was no band-aid. I'm still working through this with God. I still need time. I'll likely be working on this grief until it's my turn to leave this world. What I can say is the waves have settled a bit; the intensity of the grief not quite so severe. I don't talk about them as much anymore. I no longer desire to go back to the hospital and cradle their cold bodies. We're done having children....even that thought isn't as painful as it was just a year ago. Sam's birthday is April 30th. Gabriel...

Unfixable

I have to share some things that are going to make some people uncomfortable. I'm okay with that, but I know it's not going to be easy to read because you might want to try to fix me. You can't. You can't "fix" these feelings. You can't pray them away. You can't tell me to "just trust God" and go on with your day. Well, I guess you can. But I can't. I am not in a good place. I am not okay. I don't even want to be okay at this point. I tell Jamey almost every night that I want to go back to the hospital. I want to lay in that bed. I want to kiss and cuddle my son. I want to stroke his cheeks. I don't care if they're cold. I don't care if he'll never open his eyes again. I just want to go back there and rock him in my arms. I took pictures of the bruises on my arms and hands from being in the hospital. There are so few memories of my son, that I didn't even want to forget that part. My blood pressure w...

Kaila Mugford

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