Bargaining.
On the first site I clicked on, it says this, "Guilt often accompanies bargaining. We start to believe there was something we could have done differently to have helped save our loved one." (Taken from https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/).
Guilt. Overwhelming. Crushing. Guilt.
Everything I do right now comes in a nice guilt-wrapped package. Two of my children are gone, and it doesn't seem to matter that even though I *know* there was nothing I could do...it feels like I failed them somehow. That I don't measure up as a mother. That I didn't deserve them and they're gone because God knew I couldn't handle just one more kid.
Every time I yell. Discipline. Lose my cool. Whatever you call it or do. I feel sorry for my children.
We had a therapist coming to the house up until last week to help with coping strategies for us and the kids as we navigate our loss. I calmly handled each time one of the kids did something that was driving me nuts or when they needed discipline. I looked at her one day and I said, "Tammy...this is not what I'm like when you aren't here. My patience goes much further when someone is watching."
She responded, "Of course it does. It's like that for everyone."
I immediately thought: No, you don't understand. I'm mean. I'm awful. My kids are suffering because I can't keep it together all the time. If only you knew what I was REALLY like, you would think I was a horrible mother too.
My personal therapist looked straight at me once when I'd gone down this line of thinking and asked, "Kaila, are you abusing your children?"
I just stopped and stared at her. I was shocked. I didn't answer for awhile because I really wanted to let that question soak in. Am I? She already knew the answer, and I'm sure that's why she asked it. She wanted me to be able to hear myself say-
No. I'm not. I love these babies more than anything in this world.
AND yes I can lose my cool. Go off my rocker. Yell. Get frustrated. It's when this happens, that I immediately think, you don't deserve them. They'd be better off with someone else. You don't yell at people you love. I've had close friends tell me, "Oh girl, I lose it too!" But I think...not. like. I. do.
That's the lie I believe. That I'm the worst. I'm the ONLY one. I'm the meanest. If I truly loved my children, I'd never take a moment for granted. I'd never yell. I'd figure out the very best discipline methods...and we would all be happy all the time.
Right.
I texted my sister last night. She told me she retreats 'real fast' to her insecure place at the slightest hint that she's not "doing it right." I told her I've been living in that insecure place for the last couple weeks and *freaking everything* feels confirmatory that I don't know what I'm doing and my kids deserve better.
These feelings are real. But they are not true.
I find myself bargaining with God now regularly. I was terrified Mira would die on her first day of school. That she'd be taken because we had a bad day the day before, and I had gotten frustrated too many times with her. I wrapped a prayer shawl around her the morning before she left in a desperate attempt to reconcile the bad day before and keep her safe while she spent 8 hours without me in a new place with new people. I fear that life is one big scale of "good" and "bad" and I keep a running tally of the bad things I've done in a day. I worry about the punishment I'll receive. Is Jamey next? Mira? Edward?...me?
People. This is anxiety.
I'm tired often. And I know it's because I am battle weary. I'm exhausted fighting the lies, but fight I do. It's not always going to be this way. I've got too much professional, social, emotional, and spiritual support for me to fail.
Much of our days are good. We have MANY joyful moments. We have a beautiful family. I love my babies fiercely. I don't have to perform to receive grace. There are no scales and they are not tipping. I will not be punished for my hard days. I'm a wonderful Momma. I believe that. I need to let go of the lies.
And embrace the truth.
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