DECEASED

I am not okay today.

I opened up my blog to start a new post. Was my 'joy.' post really just one week ago?

Today's the opposite. If you're looking for some encouragement or something light-hearted today...I would suggest not reading any further.

Today I am set off. I just...cannot.

Nothing is safe for me right now.

Not my mailbox.

Not my bank account.

Not my phone.

Last night, I checked my account and I saw a check that had been debited. I clicked on the image. "Pay to the order of: Illinois Dept. of Public Health".

YES!! I was so excited last night. Jamey, his birth certificate is coming. You know, the one I put in a special request for? I was having an emotionally rough evening but checking that brought some joy. It should be in the mail any day now.

Let me back up a minute.

Two days after we were released from the hospital, we went to the Department of Public records to request a copy of Gabriel's birth certificate.

When your baby is dead, you hold on to anything and everything that has his name on it. I wanted that certificate asap.

"Can I help you?" the woman behind the desk asked. She was so sweet. Her office was decked out in Easter decor. It seemed so cheery.

"Yes, we need to fill out a form to request a birth certificate," I'd said.

We filled out the form and handed it to her.

She smiled as she took the clipboard back from us...and then her face fell. "I'm sorry," she said, "But you need to fill out a different form because this baby is deceased."

Wait...what? How do you know that?

"I just finished printing copies of his death certificate and recognized the name. I'm really sorry." She started looking through her desk to find the right form.

We filled out the form. Handed it back.

"I believe I have to put a special stamp on his birth certificate too," she'd said.

What kind of stamp?

"It says 'DECEASED'. I'm sorry...I wish I didn't have to, but it's the law."

We understand, and wouldn't want you to get into trouble. But is there any way to request a copy without a stamp? I would love to have ONE birth certificate without it. Just one.

She gave us a form and told us to fill it out and send it to the state records department in Springfield. "I believe you have 9 months to request a certificate without the stamp."

We thanked her and headed out, those ugly red letters spelling out DECEASED still drying on my baby's birth certificate.

I filled out the new form right away and sent it in. I wrote a letter to whoever happened to open our request. Please, if this is not the correct form or if any more information is needed, call me and let me know and I will make sure I send it in. I added my phone number. Of course, to make a request, you also have to send a check. I wrote the check, requesting 2 copies, and mailed it.

A month went by and an envelope came.

I ripped it open, so excited to have it.

2 copies. 

'DECEASED' stamped. 

In the middle.

A wave of grief just smashed into me. Now I've paid for 2 extra copies that I really didn't need. I know he's dead. I just wanted a certificate that said he was born ALIVE. That's it.

I picked up the phone and dialed the Vital Records department. A helpful woman had to ask her supervisor what was needed. "We don't get this request very often," she'd said. She gave me instructions for which form to fill out. I went to the website and printed the form. At the bottom, it reads, "Only the mother of the child named on the birth certificate is entitled to order one certified copy of the birth certificate that is not marked 'DECEASED.'" Okay good, this is the right form.

I filled it out. Made another copy of my driver's license. Wrote another check. Mailed it in.

Fast forward to last night, and my bank account. Excitement to have a copy soon.

It came today.

And wouldn't you know.

DECEASED. 

In the middle.

You guys. This roller coaster sucks. It might seem strange at just how important this is to me, but those of who've been there before...they get it.

I need this. I need just one birth certificate that doesn't say my baby is dead. I need it. 

I wanted to pull out my hair and scream when I opened that envelope today. 

Instead, I did the dishes because, well....

what else do you friggin' do when your baby's dead and the house needs taken care of?

So that's where I'm at.