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The Should That Never Will


I design and buy a Shutterfly calendar every year with pictures of the kids. This year as soon as our calendar arrived, I wrote this. 

I've been staring at these words since the page flipped from May to June.

Talking with friends last night, I'd said, I just wish I could go back to "before." I wish I could go back and be HER again. The woman who felt joy. Who didn't see it coming. I'm tired of being broken over and over. 

Everything is a reminder. The beginning of my 2018 journal hurts...

Jan 1, 2018
Milestones in 2017: 
Mira turned 4
Edward turned 2
I turned 30
Expecting baby #4!
Student loan debt FREE

Milestones to come:
Mira turning 5
Edward tuning 3
New baby in June
Debt FREE

Jan 5, 2018
In just 12 days we will find out the health status of our newest baby Mugford. Time seems to have flown by for me already. 

I started a journal for Gabriel that same day.

Daddy and I are so excited to have you join us. I have already been feeling you move for several weeks now. We have decided to wait and find out if you're a boy or a girl until you are born, but we have a Level 2 ultrasound scheduled 12 days from today to make sure you are healthy and growing well!

Saying I miss Gabriel doesn't even come close to my true feelings. 

I yearn for him. My body craves for him to be in my arms.

I babysat my 4 month old nephew last weekend. I loved every minute listening to those baby giggles and even hearing his cries. Mira blew raspberries on his tummy. I just love him, Mommy.

I kept thinking, I could do this. 

And then I'd think, I SHOULD be doing this. Or close to it. 

It's hard being stuck in the should that never will. 

It's hard thinking about the could but we can't. 

How many times can a heart be broken before the pieces are too little to put back together? 

Some of mine are still missing. 

I'm not sure exactly how to feel about June 19th, 2018.

Other than it's here.

And he's not.

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