The Should That Never Will

I design and buy a Shutterfly calendar every year with pictures of the kids. This year as soon as our calendar arrived, I wrote this.

I've been staring at these words since the page flipped from May to June.

Talking with friends last night, I'd said, I just wish I could go back to "before." I wish I could go back and be HER again. The woman who felt joy. Who didn't see it coming. I'm tired of being broken over and over.

Everything is a reminder. The beginning of my 2018 journal hurts...

Jan 1, 2018

Milestones in 2017:

Mira turned 4

Edward turned 2

I turned 30

Expecting baby #4!

Student loan debt FREE

Milestones to come:

Mira turning 5

Edward tuning 3

New baby in June

Debt FREE

Jan 5, 2018

In just 12 days we will find out the health status of our newest baby Mugford. Time seems to have flown by for me already.

I started a journal for Gabriel that same day.

Daddy and I are so excited to have you join us. I have already been feeling you move for several weeks now. We have decided to wait and find out if you're a boy or a girl until you are born, but we have a Level 2 ultrasound scheduled 12 days from today to make sure you are healthy and growing well!

Saying I miss Gabriel doesn't even come close to my true feelings.

I yearn for him. My body craves for him to be in my arms.

I babysat my 4 month old nephew last weekend. I loved every minute listening to those baby giggles and even hearing his cries. Mira blew raspberries on his tummy. I just love him, Mommy.

I kept thinking, I could do this.

And then I'd think, I SHOULD be doing this. Or close to it.

It's hard being stuck in the should that never will.

It's hard thinking about the could but we can't.

How many times can a heart be broken before the pieces are too little to put back together?

Some of mine are still missing.

I'm not sure exactly how to feel about June 19th, 2018.

Other than it's here.

And he's not.

Comments

The Hardest Part

One year ago today I had my very last prenatal checkup. I saw both my maternal-fetal medicine specialist and my ob/gyn. My blood pressure was great. Gabriel was still there and moving. There was no indication that within 24 hours my liver would start to fail. I didn't know that April 13th, 2018 would be the last time I ever saw my baby on an ultrasound. It would be the last time I heard his heartbeat. I didn't know that the next morning a pain would begin. The next day I would meet my sweet little 2-month-old nephew. I wouldn't be able to eat because I just wasn't feeling well. I would stay up late with the pain, sipping water and waiting for it to pass. The next night would be spent in the ER, not knowing we would be meeting Gabriel face to face just 10 hours later. One year ago was the beginning of goodbye to this teeny boy. And I had no idea. Wednesday morning. It's time to get ready to leave. Except it's 3:00am. I keep waking up, worried tha...

A New Way to Celebrate

"But He could have saved my boys. He could have . I'm so angry He didn't. I'm going to have to work through that with God, and I'm going to need time to do it. This isn't a quick fix, and there is no band-aid big enough to patch this damage. This cut is so deep it's going to take some major reconstructive surgery." I wrote that nearly two years ago. Two years. I wasn't wrong. There has been no quick fix. There was no band-aid. I'm still working through this with God. I still need time. I'll likely be working on this grief until it's my turn to leave this world. What I can say is the waves have settled a bit; the intensity of the grief not quite so severe. I don't talk about them as much anymore. I no longer desire to go back to the hospital and cradle their cold bodies. We're done having children....even that thought isn't as painful as it was just a year ago. Sam's birthday is April 30th. Gabriel...

On Not Writing.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash Kaila...why don't you write? I stopped writing, really writing , almost 3 years ago. Sometimes I share my old posts. Sometimes I just read them on my own, so glad I put words to my feelings at the time. Sometimes they remind me that the feelings haven't gone away. Last night as I put the kids to bed, Edward said, Mom, I know what I want for Christmas. What's that, buddy? He paused for a moment. I want a wittle brudder. This isn't the first time he's asked. It likely won't be the last. We're honest with Mira and Edward that we can't have any more kids; and to try would risk my life. There's a bit of confusion just because of their ages, but they're getting to the point where it's really starting to settle in. Mom, can we go get a baby? Like, adopt? We've walked this thought-road as well, weighing our options. We've weighed every. single. option. We've considered trying again, rolling the dice...

Kaila Mugford

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