Light Shining in the Darkness

The last week has been...rough. And I'm okay, but I'm not okay. 

We've been here before. In this "okay but not okay" place. Everyone has at some point or other in their lives. Three times that feeling has really stood out for me- when pregnant with Sam, pregnant now with Gabriel, and that third time was 2.5 years ago.

It's not really a secret, but not something I think I've shared this publicly either- Jamey's and my marriage nearly ended around the time we moved here. We moved in a desperate attempt to save it, and I can stand here today and tell you that it was the very best thing we could have ever done. The pain of leaving our home in Ohio was intense, but there would be no home left if we had stayed. 

We both had a very poor outlook on life in 2015. We carried emotional baggage and neither one of us knew how to resolve conflict in a healthy way. When we moved here, all I could do was cry that I had left behind "everything I loved" in Ohio to gamble on a crumbling marriage with twice the number of kids and no one here to help. It was depressing to say the least, and it felt very hopeless. I regularly told Jamey that the entire year had been a horrible waste and we had no good memories to show for it. 

Why do I share this now? How is this relevant to our pain today?

For the Christmas of 2015, we bought gifts for each other. We usually don't do much gift giving, but that year was different. I have no idea what I got Jamey, I can't even remember, but I will never forget one of his gifts to me. 

It was a picture album. He'd chosen a burlap-covered basic 4x6 album, and inside were pictures from the entire year. I store all of my photos from my phone by month, and he had gone through my laptop and chosen his favorites. With the album came a card. It read:

I love you so much! While 2015 was not a great year for us personally, we had many high points in the year that are worth noting and remembering. I want you to enjoy this gift and remember all of the wonderful things that have taken place in the last 12 months.

1-It was a year ago that we announced to the family (we were pregnant) with Eddie.

2- We moved to a new city with a new job opportunity.

3- We welcomed Eddie into the world and our family.

4- We have gotten to see Mira grow and become a goofball toddler.

5- We have had moments this year that we have been closer than we have ever been in our relationship.

I love you and I hope that you enjoy this gift. -Jamey

The album was completely filled with sweet pictures (and funny captions) of our entire year. Jamey gave me such a gift in seeing the sunshine peeking through the storm clouds of 2015 when I couldn't see it myself.

It was this gift that made me wake up this morning and decide to look through all of the pictures I've taken since Gabriel's diagnosis. I have been in an ugly place, especially in the last week, and I haven't been able to enjoy a whole lot of anything. While I do need to feel all of these awful feelings and to process them, today was a day for some much needed sunshine. Each and every one of these pictures brought a smile to my face, and it seemed that the more simple the picture, the more I loved it.

We bought a new vacuum- bringing much joy to my gadget-loving husband and even more to my box-loving kiddos!

The sweetness of thoughtful gifts delivered to our door.
It has felt a bit like Christmas continued <3

I battled a sinus infection for 3 weeks after Gabriel's diagnosis. I got an eye gel mask to help with the sinus pressure. As you can see...someone else enjoyed using it too!

I love that we all have coffee. And a dog. In between the family and
dog is apparently a monster that I left unlabeled ;)

I got my nails painted by the cutest manicurist.
"I a good painter Mommy!"

She brings such joy just by coloring pictures
"for you Mommy because I love you." <3

22 weeks pregnant Feb. 13th

A devoted Daddy and his babies. Momma sat inside and ate Dunkin' Donuts!

Pink and Red day during "Friendship Week" at school.

Jamey turned 35. Edward wasn't excited at all ;)

I received a very thoughtful gift on Saturday- a wind chime to hang outside. "Every time the wind blows and you hear it ringing I pray you think of Gabriel." I love this woman's heart. And Edward loves the chimes <3

The rarity of sibling love- they're still very much 4 and 2.
All. Day. Long.

Everyone, meet my deep sea diver. She was looking for humpback parrot fish but ran into a pink eel instead. I adore her imagination. And thank you to Octonauts for teaching me more about sea creatures than I ever thought I'd know. 

There we have it, just over a month since Gabriel's diagnosis. So much joy intermingled with our grief.

I just have to be intentional in looking for it. <3