20 weeks

Gosh, it's been almost 2 years since I've looked at a blank page on this screen, waiting for me to fill it with words. Two years and my last post was about how stressful ultrasounds are for me. Even after two healthy babies, I can't stand being in those dark rooms with the technician quietly taking images. Today I'm back to fill this empty screen because I've lived my worst fear. Twice.

We're 20 weeks today. The half-way point. Usually such a victory in pregnancy, hip hip hooray! In 20 short weeks you'll hold your baby. You'll take them home. Not long now, momma.

I've ran the gamut of emotions these last 2 weeks since finding out our Gabriel won't live long after birth. I don't even fully know which one to process first...or if I even get to choose (spoiler: I don't, they all come at once). It's strange processing an entire grief cycle I've done before. I have the journals from when I was pregnant Sam, who went to heaven six years ago in April. I read them and think, well, I don't have much to write this time. I've written this before. I'm having a hard time separating these two sweet boys, which just makes it sadder. Both lives equally important. Both boys equally loved. Both boys with a momma who grieves death before birth.

I've told so many people without shedding a tear. Am I not sad? What kind of mother doesn't cry when she talks about the death of her children? I mention it to a fellow loss momma. Kaila...you've been telling this story for 6 years. The same story over and over. You can't fall apart every single time you tell it. Yes. Oh, how I love the women of this community I never wanted to be part of.

The loss community. So tight knit. So willing to love each other in times of need. I have to admit, I'd taken a bit of a step back from it. I'd hidden the posts from all the loss journals I once subscribed to. That was my past; my future was to be filled with babies, "Sanctimommy" and "Honest Toddler" posts. Facebook is once again a difficult place (I mean, it's never truly a joyful place), but there are too many babies. Too many announcements. Knowing we will likely never make another announcement of our own is hard.

Our lives are fairly normal (so to speak) right now. Kids still get up and go to school, Jamey goes to work, I stay home and take care of things. Mira just started a new gymnastics/dance class. And as normal as it all feels, I sometimes step into a parallel universe....goodbye Mira, have a wonderful class! And the phone rings: Hello? Yes, this is she. Yes, I do want to hear what the genetic testing results are.

It's just odd.

For now, we are playing a waiting game. Our next appointment isn't for another two weeks, but after having an elective 4D ultrasound it's quite obvious that much of Gabriel's amniotic fluid is gone. We are making preparations for his birth and have a bereavement doula and photographer lined up. We'll be making a birth plan this week. We've received two keepsake boxes filled with memento-making kits to take with us to the hospital. As much as a hate this, I'm incredibly grateful for the resources available to us.

So much of what I've written these last two weeks has been fairly mechanical. I know the feelings posts will come, but for now this is what it is because I just can't take myself that deep yet. All I can say is thank you to all who have been praying for us, as well as those who have been meeting our tangible needs since we got Gabriel's diagnosis. Please continue praying for us, as we've had difficulty praying for ourselves. Please keep reaching out, and do not be afraid to ask questions. I was so grateful we got to share Sam's life with so many, and I look forward to sharing Gabriel's too.

20 weeks

Sweet baby boy, I want you to feel all my love.