Skip to main content

2 Years


I can't believe nearly 2 years have passed since I've seen this beautiful face. Since I've touched him, kissed him, smelled his sweet baby smell.

My personal memories are fading, as memories do. Our pictures and videos are all we have to remind us of the details that are no longer clear.

I have literally THOUSANDS of pictures of Mira. And there will be thousands more to come. People make comments about all of the pictures I have an post of her.

I have less than 200 pictures of Sam. All taken within 4 days of his birth. Most taken after he died. Let's just say, I might value photographs just a tad bit more than your average person.

My heart hurts more this year than last. I knew we were missing out on a lifetime of memories with Sam when he died, but I truly didn't know what those memories would be until we had Mira.

1 year ago, I missed him. Missed his hair. His fingers. His toes. His cry.

Another year gone by, and I miss him rolling over. His giggle. His first taste of solids. His crawling. His first word. With every milestone Mira reaches...I will miss Sam's.

This week, if you could, please keep us in your prayers. A mother and father who've lost their son. Grandparents who lost their first grandchild. Aunts and Uncles who lost their nephew. And a sister who will grow up without her big brother. Our hearts will always have a piece missing.

However, that piece is in heaven...which is always a wonderful place to have your heart. <3



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Hardest Part

One year ago today I had my very last prenatal checkup. I saw both my maternal-fetal medicine specialist and my ob/gyn. My blood pressure was great. Gabriel was still there and moving. There was no indication that within 24 hours my liver would start to fail. I didn't know that April 13th, 2018 would be the last time I ever saw my baby on an ultrasound. It would be the last time I heard his heartbeat. I didn't know that the next morning a pain would begin. The next day I would meet my sweet little 2-month-old nephew. I wouldn't be able to eat because I just wasn't feeling well. I would stay up late with the pain, sipping water and waiting for it to pass. The next night would be spent in the ER, not knowing we would be meeting Gabriel face to face just 10 hours later. One year ago was the beginning of goodbye to this teeny boy. And I had no idea. Wednesday morning. It's time to get ready to leave. Except it's 3:00am. I keep waking up, worried tha...
2 comments
Read more

A New Way to Celebrate

"But He could have saved my boys.  He could have . I'm so angry He didn't. I'm going to have to work through that with God, and I'm going to need time to do it. This isn't a quick fix, and there is no band-aid big enough to patch this damage. This cut is so deep it's going to take some major reconstructive surgery." I wrote that nearly two years ago. Two years. I wasn't wrong. There has been no quick fix. There was no band-aid. I'm still working through this with God. I still need time. I'll likely be working on this grief until it's my turn to leave this world. What I can  say is the waves have settled a bit; the intensity of the grief not quite so severe. I don't talk about them as much anymore. I no longer desire to go back to the hospital and cradle their cold bodies. We're done having children....even that  thought isn't as painful as it was just a year ago. Sam's birthday is April 30th. Gabriel...
2 comments
Read more

On Not Writing.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash Kaila...why don't you write? I stopped writing, really writing , almost 3 years ago.  Sometimes I share my old posts. Sometimes I just read them on my own, so glad I put words to my feelings at the time.  Sometimes they remind me that the feelings haven't gone away. Last night as I put the kids to bed, Edward said, Mom, I know what I want for Christmas.  What's that, buddy? He paused for a moment. I want a wittle brudder. This isn't the first time he's asked. It likely won't be the last. We're honest with Mira and Edward that we can't have any more kids; and to try would risk my life. There's a bit of confusion just because of their ages, but they're getting to the point where it's really starting to settle in. Mom, can we go get a baby? Like, adopt?  We've walked this thought-road as well, weighing our options. We've weighed every. single. option.  We've considered trying again, rolling the dice...
Post a Comment
Read more