Kaila Mugford

I had to Google the stages of grief last night. I couldn't remember what they all were and I prefer not to know too much about "stages" because then I'll have expectations about what I should  be doing. I needed to look them up though, because I was searching for one in particular. Bargaining. On the first site I clicked on, it says this, " Guilt often accompanies bargaining. We start to believe there was something we could have done differently to have helped save our loved one." (Taken from  h ttps://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/). Guilt. Overwhelming. Crushing. Guilt. Everything I do right now comes in a nice guilt-wrapped package. Two of my children are gone, and it doesn't seem to matter that even though I *know* there was nothing I could do...it feels like I failed them somehow. That I don't measure up as a mother. That I didn't deserve them and they're gone because God knew I couldn't handle just on...

It's quiet tonight. Everyone in my house is asleep. Tomorrow morning the quiet will be broken by the sound of 4 little feet coming down the stairs. I'll hear, "Mommeee? Where Dahee?" from my baby boy. He'll be 3 on Wednesday. I don't wish I could freeze time. I know what frozen time looks like, and it's awful. I will celebrate every single milestone, every single birthday, and I will smile...because the alternative is a nightmare. Just like so many parents out there right now though, I am ready for my kiddos to head to school. They've been bored with me for quite awhile now ;) and we are ready to get back into a routine. But on August 15th... My sweet 5 year old starts kindergarten. My spunky boy turns 3. And my tiny baby will be celebrating 4 months in Heaven. That's a lot in one day for a momma heart. I'm terrified, and excited. Nervous, and anticipatory. My hormones have been all over the place ever since Gabriel's...

I don't even know how to start this. I wrote an entire blog post just moments ago and hit save instead of publish, because while I had intended to write about test results, I wrote about upcoming milestones and my momma heart. Maybe I will post that one in the next couple of days, but I realize more and more that I simply have not been wanting to write about "the end." The answers we've been waiting for. The answers we weren't sure we'd ever get. If you've read my previous posts, we have had multiple genetic tests run on both Sam and Gabriel. None of them had come back with answers after Sam died and so we were told to try again. We would only ever really know if we were genetic carriers for a disease if we had another sick baby.  We've had 4 pregnancies. And we've never truly gotten to experience the joy and excitement that comes with that 20 week ultrasound. "Boy" or "girl" has never been the most anticipatory p...