Kaila Mugford

I have had a lot going on in my head lately. So much so that I haven't even been able to begin to write, mostly because this fullness in my brain has resulted in a fog I can't shake. There are moments of clarity, but that's all they seem to be...moments. Most of what I've been dealing with lately is very personal. I have a lot of anger directed at many people, some of whom have absolutely no idea. I've felt as though boundaries have been crossed, and privacy has been invaded. And yet, for the sake of maintaining "healthy relationships," (or the illusion of them), I've said nothing. People, that is so hard for me. I don't understand those who hold things in. Yes, there is a time and place for conflict, and I think that people who constantly fight with each other are dysfunctional, but I also feel that people who never fight or disagree are just as much so. I also don't understand those who let things go (although I seriously need to wor...

My entire life I was told that when I grew up, I needed to be independent and successful. Like any other kid, I dreamed of being a doctor, a lawyer, or anything of that kind. I even told my Dad once that I planned to start an insurance company because then I'd be really rich. He laughed and said he didn't need to worry about retirement then. It wasn't just my parents who said these things. I know they were just trying to make sure that I believed I could reach any height I aspired to and that anything was possible. The songs of the 90s were riddled with songs of female i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-c-e, women don't need men (period), and any woman who depends on a man is weak. As a result, I grew to be a very strong woman. My husband will tell you that, as well as my parents and sisters. I spent my days in high school going to school board meetings, urging its members to incorporate more advanced courses in our school. I went to one of the top ten schools in the country, and ...

I am an incredibly vulnerable person. I feel vulnerability in every aspect of my life-my faith, my family, my friends, my finances, myself. I'd have to say that the place where I oftentimes feel most vulnerable is my faith. That is SO hard for me to admit. But listen to what I'm saying here...I'm vulnerable, not unsure. If you want to hurt me, start there. Most of it comes from being worried about what others think of me. I know, I was there for the majority of my life. I stood on that side of not believing unless I saw. I have to say, I'm still that way when it comes to things of THIS world. I thought those who had faith were trying to console themselves, were brainwashed, and made the rest of us uncomfortable with their prayers and their Jesus-talk. I thought faith was for the weak-minded, for those who didn't know enough to be able to figure things out for themselves so they settled for something that told them everything they wanted to hear. I thought that i...

This week has been...a challenge. Toddlerhood. It's hard. It's also amazingly rewarding. But hard. This isn't new to anyone though who's parented a toddler. This also isn't new to anyone who hasn't parented a toddler (because we parents sure talk about it enough, don't we?) So I'll just give you a small (and hopefully humorous) peak into my life with a 14 month old. Morning: I hear the baby monitor. I honestly can't really complain here, since usually I don't hear a peep until sometime after 9. I should just skip this morning part but ever since Mira has turned 1, she has very little interest in smiling until she's had her 'baba'.  I bring her downstairs into the kitchen and set her on the floor while I make her bottle. Mira cries big fat giant tears that make me feel like the worst mama ever while I will the microwave to countdown faster. Finally I get that bottle popped into her mouth, but only after her face has turned splotchy...

I've started about 5 different sentences to begin this blog post. None are sufficient. I'm tired. Mad. Frustrated. I could really (and have wanted to) punch some people right in the face. Would I ever? Have I ever? No. Would it feel good? Probably not. But you don't know until you try. I'm so serious. Mostly I'm tired. But serious. I've had one too many negative interactions with people in a very short period of time. Do you know what they all revolve around? Sam. I hate that. I hate that there is still so much hurt to be had, there is so much anger to be felt. Who WANTS the memory of their firstborn son surrounded by so much negative? I talked to a woman today who I don't know. I didn't ask her any questions, but she decided she needed to ask some of me. She tried to diagnose me with a gluten allergy. Thank you ma'am, but I don't have one. Then further into the conversation asked me about my birth experience. I was being as vague as poss...

I've finally figured it out. I blogged back in February about the choices we make for Mira as parents, and the 'mommy wars' that happen over those choices. Although someone did recently unfriend me over a photo I posted of Mira eating her first happy meal, I now realize where the majority of these wars are being fought. In my head. I ask myself a hundred questions a day: is she eating okay? Is what she's eating nutritious? I think other moms feed their kids better stuff, don't they? Is it okay she plays alone often? Is it okay she has favorite tv shows and movies at such a young age? Good moms don't let their kids watch so much tv do they? Should we be outside more? Should I be teaching her more? Should we have more face to face time? Do I look at my phone too often? Will she grow up thinking I don't care about her? Will she grow up unhealthy? Will she not be smart because of the choices I've made for her? Am I setting a bad example? Should I lose we...

I might have watched Frozen one too many times... Why hello there! After 2 months on hiatus, if you're still with me, then thank you for sticking around! I know you're just dying to hear what's been on my mind lately. Crickets . That's okay, I'll tell you anyway. So my last blog post? About not ever forgetting my first Mother's Day with Mira? I was right. I'll never forget it. I got the stomach flu...seriously. I have YET to spend a Mother's Day truly enjoying myself. There's always next year! Moving on... Speaking of moving, we did! We've made Rossford our permanent home. Bought our house at the end of May, and we are absolutely loving being home owners (again)! We like to make things really fun: closed on a Thursday afternoon (it was a foreclosure and needed cleaned up so I spent all that evening scrubbing while Jamey spent 7 HOURS mowing the yard because it hadn't been mowed yet. We had a pasture...I wouldn't kid you.) My pa...