Best-laid Plans

Our biggest fear during this pregnancy was that we would leave town and that I would go into labor, delivering Gabriel without our team of doctors.

We didn't leave the city for 3 months.

We left for a day trip 2 hours away last Saturday, and ended up needing to go to the ER.

Gabriel was born out of town. 10 weeks early. Without our team.

When we were making our plans for his birth just a few weeks ago, our palliative care nurse asked, "Have you imagined what his birth day will be like?"

No. I haven't pictured it. I respond. Because I know that no matter what I imagine, it will be even better than that. I don't want to ruin his birth with what I think would make it perfect. I just want to be as prepared as possible.

Well...

His birth was exactly the opposite of what we'd planned.

But it was 10,000 times more perfect than what I'd imagined.

I cannot wait to share his life with you all. Today we are home, resting.

I left my house 8 days ago 30 weeks and 4 days pregnant. We left dishes in the sink because we were coming home that night.

I came home today with an urn and an incision. 

I came home with an ache that cannot be fixed.

I came home and set my son on a shelf.

Next to his brother.

This is not how it should be.